Another new topic! already? Here we go

[LoginName]

Thank Aud, for the comments. I read them, then later talked to my wife. I'm going to write/journal about that talk first, then, if I've enough energy left, I'll respond more to your post.

Talked to my wife: we talked about taxes, kids, day to day life. The talk was nice, as it almost always is. We get along well, we are good partners. Phone call ends. I'm feeling like I'm missing something. I realize what it is - that passion thing, or fun, or I don't know what to call it. That feeling that you're more than just good friends, good business partners. That feeling, spark, tingle. Feeling special, feeling that the other person is special. Anyone know what I mean? Is it too adolecent, immature of a feeling? I don't care if it is, it's what I need and want.

So many times over the years I've felt this way and I've kept it inside. Sometimes I've tried to talk about this with my W. I hate talking about it with her. She hears me saying she is inadequate, not meeting my needs and a failure. I hate hurting her. She tells me I'm needy and immature, I don't like hearing that either. So I've learned to keep a lot of this feeling to myself.

But things are different now. I decide to call her and tell her how I feel. I tell her I need more than just being good friends, partners and parents. After tears, all the normal feelings, she asks what exactly I'm asking from her. Fair question. Hard to answer.

Yes, it is related to sex, but it's more than that. I told her I need to hear her say she misses me, she wants me, she wants to touch me, she wants me sitting on the couch watching her favorite TV show with her, that she feels something special when she thinks of me.

Is that too much too ask? If she can't do that, or at least try harder, I'd rather be alone. About 12 years or so of me feeling this way is long enough. Maybe this is the root, or one of the roots or our problem. Now we're going to deal with it.

Didn't she feel this way about me at one time? Didn't she feel that way about the OM? So she should know what that feeling is, and know if she can feel it and express it toward me.If she can't, then fine. I'll be alone, or find someone else who can.

She can, and has, given me what I want and need, so I know she can do it. She's even done it while we've been living in separate states. Sometimes (not very often, is the problem) she's talked to me via phone, texted me, IMed me, and I have felt like a teenager, my insides melt. I've been married 24 years, I can still feel that way. I still like feeling that way.

I'm not giving up, or in. The situation seems to be a lose lose one. She can never please me enough, I have to life with unmet needs and just keep my feelings to myself. That can't work. How to cut this gordian knot?

The only hint of an answer I've seen is in the book Passionate Marriage. And, as I understand it, it takes time, is painful, and is worth it. It's basically know what you want, make your choice, face the consequences, but don't give up if it is what you really want or need. Don't make ultimatums in order to coerce the other person, but if it's something you can't give in on and still have personal integrity (be true to yourself, not hide part of yourelf)then don't give in. Be ready to face the consequences, even divorce, even being alone.

whew, I'm tired. It shouldn't have to be this hard.