Turning Arrows Into Flowers

[Concerned_Listener]

I guess the question becomes: which is worse? Living with the consequences of her bad behavior now, or living with the possible positive or negative outcome of your effort to communicate YOUR needs to her?

I think we can safely add to your list of needs: 1-respectful two-way communication 2-discontinue sleeping elsewhere. I am positive there is a way to approach this in your own style, as Matilda says.

Matilda and Aud,
I resist advice that has a zero tolerance tone to it. I consider that an effort to control the other person. I'm glad you think and appreciate the validation that there is a way to begin to set boundaries in a respectful manner, consistent with my style.

I think you're right. The first step in setting boundaries is to articulate what my expectations are--respectful communication and no sleeping elsewhere. As you say, it can be done in a nonthreatening tone. It doesn't have to be cease and desist or else. I recall from reading DR, that it's about asking for what you want, not demanding.

I'll think about how to integrate my expectations into our communication. One way would be to send her an email after each IC session, giving her a status update about where I'm at, or sharing insights, or new perspectives, or anything I think would be helpful for her to know. I think the written form will allow me to control tone and content with sensitive topics.

I think she's participating in my IC session the same way she participates in our R--from a distance while keeping an eye on it. I like the idea of giving her edited information about the session and my perspective as a way of being proactive, and getting my opinions more into the R.

The problem with setting limits in a M, is that you are legally intertwined. It's not like we're boyfriend and girlfriend, where I can leave at any time. It's like pulling a fire alarm; I better be serious if I want to pursue a D, because I can't stop the alarm from ringing at that point. I'd like to think I can put this fire out on my own, with my own fire extinguisher (skills), without having to call a fireman or woman (attorney).

I think this is the part of the journey where I need to summon some courage.

CL