WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 2

[confusedinpa]

On that that got me really sad tonite was that during dinner, she played on her ipod the "Buy me a rose" song.

She reminded me that she had given me a card last year with the lyrics written in it:

He works hard to give her all he thinks she wants
But it tears her apart ‘cause nothing’s for her heart
He pulls in late to wake her up with a kiss goodnight
If he could only read her mind, she’d say…
Buy me a rose, call me from work
Open a door for me, what would it hurt
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things I need the most in my life
Now the days have grown to years of feelin’ all alone
As she sits and wonders if all she’s doin’ is wrong
‘Cause lately she’d try anything just to turn his head
Would it make a difference if she said, if she said…
And the more that he lives the less that he tries
To show her the love that he holds inside
And the more that she gives the more that he sees
This is the story of you…and me
So I bought you a rose on the way home from work
To open the door to a heart that I hurt
And I hope you notice this look in my eyes
‘Cause I’m gonna make things right for the rest of your life
And I’m gonna hold you tonight, tonight
Do all those little things for the rest of your life

I remember reading it and didn't really get it.

When I heard the song tonite, all I could do was to caress her back slightly and appologize. I see I missed a very clear cry for attention and love. I knew I was thick and stupid about this stuff. Now I really know just how dumb I was.

I know I can't beat myself up with this but it does hurt.

She tried so hard but I didn't give her a chance to success.

Now it feels the roles are reversed. I'm trying so hard now (even with numerous backslides), but I don't feel like she's giving me a chance. I guess its true what the say about payback.....

I must remember that she tried for years, I'm just getting back week 5. I must be strong.

I know I am giving her the best VDay present right now by giving her the space she needs. I must remind myself that I'm not doing it for recognition or thanks but that I am doing it for the woman I love.

When I went to bed last nite she woke up. I appologized for waking her up and asked if she still needed space. She said she was ok so I got into bed with her.

I validated and acknowledged how hurt/bad she felt tonite. I thanked her again for the wonderful dinner and acknowledged how much time and herself she put into it.

She then talked about how difficult it was tonite as she kept remembering how aweful she felt last Vday when I did not make her feel like it was important and I didn't appreciate how hard she tried to make it special. I validated and acknowledged how bad it must have made her feel. She said she wanted to cry but didn't allow herself to. I told her I had noticed that she hasn't cried in some time. She said that she cries everyday, just not around me. She said she cried when I left with the boys to the monster truck show. I was really hurt but I tried to acknowledged and validated but I was so sad I know I did a poor job at it.

She then acknowledged how she felt that if she was open to it she knows it would be different this time

We talked more about lighter topics but then we talked about the card with where she wrote the Buy me a rose lyrics. I acknowledged and validated how hurt and angry she must have felt when I did not respond with any emotion or interest. We talked about how I had internalized my stress and it caused me to shut down all my emotions

She then acknowledged how these past 6 weeks was the most stress I've ever had but I seemed to be happier now than she has seen in years. I told her I was sorry it took her filing for divorce to recognize how much I internalized and shut down. Thereby shutting her out and how bad that made her feel. I did cross the line where I talked about myself for a bit about how I didn't allow myself to feel the bad (from the stress ) but didn't realize that at the same time I was shutting down the happiness feeling as well.

She then talked about all the different ways we used to just relax and "destress" together and how much she enjoyed that. She had said she had thought I was in denial of being stressed and so I didn't try to "destress", thereby shutting down.

I talked about the 5 languages of love book she had gotten me. How over the years she kept my love tanks overflowing while I let hers go empty for so long. I acknowledge and validated how lonely and unloved that made her feel when I was feeling everything was fine.

She complained about her back bothering her and I wound up giving her a massage. I didn't try to kiss her or hug/touch her in bed as I know that's a tough/bad time for her.

She was still fighting a cold so she wound up sleeping in the family room recliner so she could prop herself up while she tried to sleep. I was sad about that as this was the second nite in a row she slept down there. I just wished her good nite and hope she felt better. I know she felt that I was frustrated that she was going downstairs again

I remain hopeful and appreciate everyone's encouragement in keeping my strength going