CL...your wife needs to hear that you have the right to have your own feelings about her actions--she has no difficulty pointing out how your actions affect her.
I think there is a respectful way to do it, but saying nothing could be giving her the impression that the sleeping elsewhere and cold shoulders are okay with you (which to me, would send an unconscious message of DISrespect...like you really don't much care). Setting boundaries doesn't mean you have to be in conflict all the time, and something you'll learn with dog training is that basic boundaries are vital to a good relationship with your puppy. I think that applies in Rs as well.
Yes, you would have to be willing to live with consequences if you decided to implement strong boundaries. I guess the question becomes: which is worse? Living with the consequences of her bad behavior now, or living with the possible positive or negative outcome of your effort to communicate YOUR needs to her?
I think we can safely add to your list of needs: 1-respectful two-way communication 2-discontinue sleeping elsewhere. I am positive there is a way to approach this in your own style, as Matilda says.
