Hi, I have never posted on a message board before and can't believe that my first experience is gonna be under these circumstances! I have been with my wife for 11 years, we have been married for seven years and have a daughter who is nine. I am in complete shock as I have always loved my wife dearly and thought our marriage was pretty good and solid and I was very happy, yeah, we had our moments as all marriages do but these were few and far between and normally short lived. My wife now seems to be focusing on these bad moments only and can see no good in our marriage at all or not an ounce of good in me. It all started towards the end of October when my wife suddenly announced that she was not sure if she loved me, we lived as normally as is possible for the next 3 or 4 weeks when she then announced that she thought a short break would help, just a few days she said, and I moved into my parents for a week. I returned home and she said that she was still unsure and said that we should carry on as best we could to see us all through christmas and then we would try and sort things out in the new year. When the new year came she turned into a different person and defiantly announced that it was over and we should split, I asked "what about trying in the new year" and she said she didn't want to. It was decided (not by me) that I should move back to my parents for a while to give her time and space to sort her head out and I reluctantly agreed. During my time at my parents (3 weeks) she would contact me and tell me that nothing had changed and it was over. My wifes insistance that our marriage was over and that she didn't want to try led me to move back home about 2 weeks ago as i thought what is the point in being away if its not doing any good. My wife is now talking about divorce and getting her own place for her and my daughter. She truly believes that she is doing the best thing for her and our daughter but can’t see the affect its having on our daughter. My wife has quoted her reasons why she feels this way, and although I can see some of what she’s getting at, her reasons don’t seem bad enough to destroy our marriage. The things she has said are things that can change quite easily, but she won’t believe that change can happen and just says she cant change who i am and is therefore unwilling to give it a go. I've stressed to her that the only person who can change me is me and i want to see these changes through to make me a better person and give our relationship a chance but she wont listen. It seems as if any person dare say something that she doesn't want to hear she will cut them out of her life. My wife is definately not my wife at the moment and has become a different person, not a very nice person I add, but because I love her so much I can see through this and want to stick it out until she returns. She has said so many hurtful and painful things recently but they are like water off a ducks back to me and they dont have the affect she desires. Over the last week she has become violent and attacked me several times, but again this is not her as nothing like this has ever happened in the last 11 years. I don’t know what to do and need some help!
Nerfus, I'm sorry to see you here in your sitch. My sitch is very similar sounding to yours as are many you will find on these boards. The spooky thing is that mine happened around the same time.
First of all, to get more reponse you may want to start posting in the Newcomers section. Next thing to do is to buy the Divorce Remedy book. Read it thoroughly and start applying the principles contained in it immediately.
I'm still coming to terms with my WAW (Walk away wife) but with the support I've been getting on these boards and the principles contained in the DR book, I'm slowly coming to terms with my situation. Don't get me wrong, I still very want to get my W back but the main goal someone in our situation has to work on is becoming comfortable with yourself.
There are a few basic principles to Divorce Busting which you will here repeated on these boards time after time. Take note of them and follow that advice. It's invaluable. There are still plenty of people on here posting who have come out of the other side with a stronger relationship than they had before. The two that spring to mind immediately are Coach and Saffie. Look them up. They are very wise with their advice and always willing to give someone support. Also, look up Sandi2. She has compiled a fantastic list of do's and don'ts in divorce busting.
Basically, what it boils down to is that you need to work on yourself. You are the only person who you have the ability to change so start working from there. GAL (Get a Life) by going out and starting a new hobby or catching up with old friends. Do some 180's. This means do something which is the complete opposite from what you would normally do.
Your W is lost at the moment and she needs to find herself. Make yourself in to someone she will want to come back to. You shouldn't believe half of the things she says to you. They're said out of anger and confusion. It's good that you already say that her words are like water off a duck's back. That's a great way to remain.
So, keep posting, find yourself, and don't lose heart. There are many success stories within these boards where you can go if you need some encouragement. Good luck on your journey.
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
Thanks for that Kev. I've got a copy of Divorce Busting on its way to me but not sure how long it'll take to get here as obviously its coming from USA.
I gotta admit that when she first dropped the bombshell I did a hell of a lot of things I shouldn't like plead with her and get her to try and see reason but as she's told me recently its had the opposite effect of just pushing her further away. I've done a lot of reading and research lately and realised that I shouldn't have done this so for the last couple of weeks I've played it as cool as possible, although its killing me, and just tried to be pleasant with her and get on with things. People told me months ago that thats how I should act but suppose I thought that by trying to talk it through with her we'd be able to sort it out. WRONG!
She just seems like a runaway train at the moment, a bit of a loose cannon, and seems hell bent on hurtling towards a divorce as fast as she can. Her inital thoughts were for us to have a legal seperation but she's changed her mind now cos she says she cant divorce me for another 2 years then. She also said that she would never force me to leave my own home cos as its her decision to break up she should be the one to move out, she's looked around and found out that she cant afford to do that so changed her mind on this one as well and is gonna get me kicked out! It all just seems to have happened so fast! We went on holiday to Spain at the end of September and things before and during seemed like wedded bliss but then just a few weeks after getting back all this kicked off and now just a few months later she's ready for divorce.
I'll look out for those guys that you mentioned and have a read through what they've posted, any one who can offer me good advice is exactly what I'm after at the moment as despite all thats gone on recently I still love my wife to bits and want us to come out of this intact.
I know it's gonna be hard but suppose we all just have to keep faith and remain focussed on what we really want!
Thanks for that Kev. I've got a copy of Divorce Busting on its way to me but not sure how long it'll take to get here as obviously its coming from USA.
I gotta admit that when she first dropped the bombshell I did a hell of a lot of things I shouldn't like plead with her and get her to try and see reason but as she's told me recently its had the opposite effect of just pushing her further away. I've done a lot of reading and research lately and realised that I shouldn't have done this so for the last couple of weeks I've played it as cool as possible, although its killing me, and just tried to be pleasant with her and get on with things. People told me months ago that thats how I should act but suppose I thought that by trying to talk it through with her we'd be able to sort it out. WRONG!
She just seems like a runaway train at the moment, a bit of a loose cannon, and seems hell bent on hurtling towards a divorce as fast as she can. Her inital thoughts were for us to have a legal seperation but she's changed her mind now cos she says she cant divorce me for another 2 years then. She also said that she would never force me to leave my own home cos as its her decision to break up she should be the one to move out, she's looked around and found out that she cant afford to do that so changed her mind on this one as well and is gonna get me kicked out! It all just seems to have happened so fast! We went on holiday to Spain at the end of September and things before and during seemed like wedded bliss but then just a few weeks after getting back all this kicked off and now just a few months later she's ready for divorce.
I'll look out for those guys that you mentioned and have a read through what they've posted, any one who can offer me good advice is exactly what I'm after at the moment as despite all thats gone on recently I still love my wife to bits and want us to come out of this intact.
I know it's gonna be hard but suppose we all just have to keep faith and remain focussed on what we really want!
Good Morning Nerfus. Hope you're getting on ok today? I was just wondering, when you say your DB is having to come from the US, where are you? If you're in the UK, you can get MWD's books from Amazon. That's where I got my copy of DR. I haven't read Divorce Busting because from what I understand, Divorce Remedy is an updated version. That's why I read that one.
Does your W have any right to kick you out of your marital home? If you are in the UK I would doubt it.Whatever you do, don't give in and leave willingly. Your W was dead right when she said that because she's the one who wants to leave, she should be the one to move out. Don't be a doormat for her to walk all over. Also, she can't get a divorce before 2 years unless there's adultery or unreasonable behaviour involved. Both have to be proved to a court. You've indicated neither of those within your post. Even at 2 years, you have to consent to the divorce. If you don't consent to the D after 2 years, your W will have to wait 5 years until she can get the D without consent. That's English and Welsh law anyway. Scotland is less time but the same kind of ideas.
Try to keep a positive mental attitude (PMA) Nerfus. I know it's really hard but I'm talking from experience when I say that it does get easier. I'm only slightly further down the road than you. Possibly because I found this site before you did. Every day I feel better about myself and being here to vent my frustrations helps immensely. I still have my bad days but on the whole, these are getting less. Good luck.
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
I see that CIW has been talking with you that's good.
My H also dropped a complete bomb on me and I also feel like that anyone who disagrees with him, he would cut them out of his life. You wrote down my sentiments exactly. I think my H is going thru MLC. Do you mind if I ask if you think your W is seeing someone else? Has your W complained to you about your M, do you have any idea why she is unhappy?
Like CIW said, I would start GAL but also part of that is improving yourself. That means to become the best person you can be. If that means taking some of her criticisms and improving yourself with her opinions then so be it. I know our spouses could be finding excuses and justifications but sometimes there just could be a kernal of truth in their observations.
I've had to face many of my own demons. I hope you can face them as well and come through this a better person. Then when she finally works out her own issues, maybe her 'new' eyes will see a better man waiting for her. Good luck.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I have just read one of Michelles threads and I gotta say that I too think my other half is going through MLC!
All the stuff I've just read sounds so familiar - my wife says that the problem is "me" and nothing else, her reactions to certain things that happen, her behaviour, her feelings, the lot - pretty much if it rains on any particular day then my wife thinks it's my fault.
If were right about this it sounds as though were both in for a long and bumpy ride!
If she is going thru MLC, then she won't be listening to you. So just sit back and wait for the roller-coaster ride. you will see all sorts of moods and they may not have ANYTHING to do with you. don't worry yourself sick about what is in her head, you will be figure it out. Just make sure you look happy, cheerful, light-hearted and content. I know!!! It's the biggest acting job you will get but your M rides on it so practice in front of a mirror, OK? Put on a smile and think 'I am Leo DiCaprio'.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I have already started on my acting career lol. Started about 3 weeks ago when I moved back into our home but this just seems to drive her crazy cos she can't understand why I'm acting so normal. I smile, am pleasant to her, initiate small talk and generally carry on as "normal" as I can but this just sends her into one of her rants and raves. I'm gonna carry on with it tho, yeah I have the odd slip up, as I know its what I have to do.
The only problem is that I'm not sure how long I'll be able to act this way as she tells me she's been to see a solicitor and has started the ball rolling. Don't mean that as in I'm gonna change my behaviour if something happens but as in I'm not sure what she's planning and whether or not I will be able to stick around.
Not sure if you've read my other post in the newcomers section but last night I was told 3 different things by 3 different people in less than an hour i)my wife told me she was gonna screw me for everything and get me out the house ii) my wife told my mom that she was planning on moving away to be with family iii) my wife told a mutual friend that she was looking to rent a flat locally - not sure which options gonna materialise so just have to stick it out for now.
Your wife who may or may not be in MLC sounds very unhappy. it seems she doesn't know WHAT she wants, so she wants to change EVERYTHING in hopes that something would work. She doesn't know yet that what is making her unhappy is within her, that changing the exterior would not fulfil her. That's why you have to be cheerful, take care of yourself and try to detach from her drama. Let her own her emotions, don't take her moods onto yourself. If she chooses to lose her temper, then let her own it. She needs to figure out why she is doing this and why she feels this way. If she has constructive criticism you can listen, if she is making threats, just don't react. She is unhappy and needs to get it off her chest.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
