Hang in there buddy. 5 weeks is such a short time. Be patient with yourself, be patient with her. Keep up the good work. Remember what we told you here:
GAL, PMA, 180s, listen and validate, let go of the need to be in control.
One day at a time, and if you backslide, forgive yourself and learn from it.
SF
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
On that that got me really sad tonite was that during dinner, she played on her ipod the "Buy me a rose" song.
She reminded me that she had given me a card last year with the lyrics written in it:
He works hard to give her all he thinks she wants But it tears her apart ‘cause nothing’s for her heart He pulls in late to wake her up with a kiss goodnight If he could only read her mind, she’d say… Buy me a rose, call me from work Open a door for me, what would it hurt Show me you love me by the look in your eyes These are the little things I need the most in my life Now the days have grown to years of feelin’ all alone As she sits and wonders if all she’s doin’ is wrong ‘Cause lately she’d try anything just to turn his head Would it make a difference if she said, if she said… And the more that he lives the less that he tries To show her the love that he holds inside And the more that she gives the more that he sees This is the story of you…and me So I bought you a rose on the way home from work To open the door to a heart that I hurt And I hope you notice this look in my eyes ‘Cause I’m gonna make things right for the rest of your life And I’m gonna hold you tonight, tonight Do all those little things for the rest of your life
I remember reading it and didn't really get it.
When I heard the song tonite, all I could do was to caress her back slightly and appologize. I see I missed a very clear cry for attention and love. I knew I was thick and stupid about this stuff. Now I really know just how dumb I was.
I know I can't beat myself up with this but it does hurt.
She tried so hard but I didn't give her a chance to success.
Now it feels the roles are reversed. I'm trying so hard now (even with numerous backslides), but I don't feel like she's giving me a chance. I guess its true what the say about payback.....
I must remember that she tried for years, I'm just getting back week 5. I must be strong.
I know I am giving her the best VDay present right now by giving her the space she needs. I must remind myself that I'm not doing it for recognition or thanks but that I am doing it for the woman I love.
When I went to bed last nite she woke up. I appologized for waking her up and asked if she still needed space. She said she was ok so I got into bed with her.
I validated and acknowledged how hurt/bad she felt tonite. I thanked her again for the wonderful dinner and acknowledged how much time and herself she put into it.
She then talked about how difficult it was tonite as she kept remembering how aweful she felt last Vday when I did not make her feel like it was important and I didn't appreciate how hard she tried to make it special. I validated and acknowledged how bad it must have made her feel. She said she wanted to cry but didn't allow herself to. I told her I had noticed that she hasn't cried in some time. She said that she cries everyday, just not around me. She said she cried when I left with the boys to the monster truck show. I was really hurt but I tried to acknowledged and validated but I was so sad I know I did a poor job at it.
She then acknowledged how she felt that if she was open to it she knows it would be different this time
We talked more about lighter topics but then we talked about the card with where she wrote the Buy me a rose lyrics. I acknowledged and validated how hurt and angry she must have felt when I did not respond with any emotion or interest. We talked about how I had internalized my stress and it caused me to shut down all my emotions
She then acknowledged how these past 6 weeks was the most stress I've ever had but I seemed to be happier now than she has seen in years. I told her I was sorry it took her filing for divorce to recognize how much I internalized and shut down. Thereby shutting her out and how bad that made her feel. I did cross the line where I talked about myself for a bit about how I didn't allow myself to feel the bad (from the stress ) but didn't realize that at the same time I was shutting down the happiness feeling as well.
She then talked about all the different ways we used to just relax and "destress" together and how much she enjoyed that. She had said she had thought I was in denial of being stressed and so I didn't try to "destress", thereby shutting down.
I talked about the 5 languages of love book she had gotten me. How over the years she kept my love tanks overflowing while I let hers go empty for so long. I acknowledge and validated how lonely and unloved that made her feel when I was feeling everything was fine.
She complained about her back bothering her and I wound up giving her a massage. I didn't try to kiss her or hug/touch her in bed as I know that's a tough/bad time for her.
She was still fighting a cold so she wound up sleeping in the family room recliner so she could prop herself up while she tried to sleep. I was sad about that as this was the second nite in a row she slept down there. I just wished her good nite and hope she felt better. I know she felt that I was frustrated that she was going downstairs again
I remain hopeful and appreciate everyone's encouragement in keeping my strength going
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Lots of positives in that last post. You have done exactly what we described, created a safe environment and she feels comfortable opening up to you. See how she is interpreting it as you being happier than ever, when you are suffering through this at the same time? It is all a matter of her perception.
Don't give up. The validation you have put into practice is getting results, keep it going.
Maybe she is sleeping down there just to relieve the discomfort. Don't take it personally, it is what it is. Accept it and then there wont be any frustration for her to sense. She is not doing anything to you by going down there, you are choosing to get frustrated over it. Try to break free of having your emotions being attached to her actions and you will be in a much healthier place in your R. You can still love and be loved without each others moods depending on every little move the other makes.
SF
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
It's been an interesting Sunday morning with ups and downs.
Our kids woke me up when they came into the room. I told them that it was ok to wake up at that time (6:45 AM - usually it's 6:30 AM everyday, so I was grateful they slept in).
Anyway, I brushed my teeth and went downstairs to the family room. My wife was still sleeping/resting on the loveseat recliner. I sat next to her and she reached out to invite me for what seemed like a hug - I suspect she thought I wanted one. Anyway, we hugged and talked lightly about what we were doing that day. Then the kids wanted in on the action after about 15 seconds (sigh - gotta love the kids).
Anyway, she then made an incredible breakfast which I gave a eagerly acknowledged and thanked. She seemed happy.
Then we went out to run some errands. I noticed she wasn't wearing her ring, so I casually pointed it out. She just said, no she's not wearing her ring. She has done that a few times on the weekend when she's running errands. It caught my eye as I had talked with her about the 5 Languages book about people where Gift is a primary/secondary language, the rings are important sign of love. Gifts are very low for both of us. I must remember not to overanalyze and to "break free of my emotions being tied to her actions".
On the way to the first stop, she grabbed my hand to touch her leg as it was throbbing (it was). I wound up touching/resting my hand on her leg a few more times (never for more than 15 seconds). I tried to hold her hand, but stopped quickly when I sensed she wasn't "feeling it".
Our next stop was to a book store as I had them hold a copy of Love without Hurt for me to pick up. When I got it, she asked me what I picked up. I showed her and it seemed to put her off slightly. Of course as we were walking through the bookstore, we walked by a display, where one of the books was "Congratulations on your Divorce" was the title. She paused and just commented how the "5 Languages of Love Book" was there now - she couldn't find it before V-Day and had to order it. Not sure if that was just a "distraction" comment or what.
We then went to do our grocery shopping. We hurried through as my 2 year old was cranky/tired as it was well past his nap time. She really gets stressed when my youngest flips out. I know that's not a good time to touch or try to be loving to her. I tried to support her, but she was really on edge. When we got in the car, I urged her to breath and to just "keep swimming". It lighted her mood somewhat as she was able to laugh and joke a little.
She did make a really nice lunch for us. We put our youngest down for a nap. She said she was going to take one as well. Very unusual - I'm usually the napper, like I mentioned in an earlier post, it really feels like we're reversed.
Anyway, while she was napping I continued to straighten out my den - something she has been bugging me about for a while. I had made a lot of progress on it over the last 2-3 weekends, so I was just doing some minor organizing.
She interupted me as her back was bothering her so she asked for a massage. Of course I obliged. My 6 year old interrupted after 2 minutes, as he wanted me to play video games with him. In the past, she felt that was my priority over her, so I asked him to wait or play another game that he knows how to play.
We then joked lightly about how in the past if she complained about her back, all she would get would be a blank stare or an emotionless "Oh" or at best "You should use the back thumper". I then told her how she has my full undivided attention and I'm sorry that it took something like her filing for divorce to wake me up. She was really starting to relax.
After another short period of time, my son came back to ask for help playing video games again. I asked him to wait again, but my wife told me that her back was fine now so I should go and play with him. Before I went down, she asked me to crack her back though - which of course I obliged. I started by giving her a hug and she joked about it's suppose to be a crack of her back, not a hug. Anyway, I cracked her back and I know I pushed it when I tried to give her a kiss and all she offered was a check.
I must remember I not doing this as a covert contract to get a kiss, this is something I'm doing because I love her.
There is still a lot of Sunday left.
I know there will be up and down moments, but I must not get either overly optimistic nor pessimistic. The brutal facts right now is she wants to leave me and has filed for a divorce. She hasn't found a reason to change her mind. She is still angry and hurt and resentful.
It is just the begging of week 6. There are only 98 weeks, before it will definitely be finalized.
I must stay focused, positive and strong. It is hard, but the reward of saving our marriage and keeping our family together is more than worth it.
I appreciate all your support and encouragement.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
I asked her if she wanted to talk. She said that's what she dreaded. So I said that it seems like she wants space so I went to the living room (she was in the family room) to read the 5 Languages of Love book she got me for Vday
Just wondering if you checked it out with her that she wanted space. You may have assumed correctly but do make sure that you confirm your impressions with her.
What are you doing to GAL Confused? You're doing pretty well with being attentive to her. Now what do you need to do for you?
If she is so checked out, why is she buying you 5LL? Is that something you requested as a gift?
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
If she is so checked out, why is she buying you 5LL? Is that something you requested as a gift?
One of my friends had recomended it. I asked if she had read it as she had read a ton of books over the years she was trying. She said her mom sugested it but she never got it
I found the quiz on the internet and we both took it. The results were interesting as our primary and secondary languages were the same. I said I was going to get the book and she offered to get it for Vday. She did NOT get me a card. First time ever. It hurt but it was a reminder where her heart was.
What's toughest now is before she felt we were just roommates. Now she feels we're friends but because of her pain/hurt she can't be vulnerable to want me as a husband
So how do you move beyond friends?
I don't think DR covers that
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
The friends stage is okay. It is a stage you must pass through on your way back to a committed R. Your job during this stage is to keep providing a safe stress-free environment, and to show her you are not needy. In time you should be able to get to the next level. Key point is patience.
I can't offer much help since I'm still working on it myself.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
She was back in full blown WAW mode as we were starting after we put the kids to bed
I thought it was going to be different as the post kids bed time started by her complaining about her back again. I asked if she needed a massage again, she said perhaps a little later. But as we watched Lost - it was the Episode Walter's mother (who wasn't married to the father Michael) moved and married her boss, she got withdrawn again. I guess I should be used to it as this been the trend - whether its an up day or down day.
Perhaps I'm expecting too much after such a short amount of time. We're creating happy moments with the kids, but they would be the same whether I was there or not. She's not open to trying to create any happy experiences with just me.
We didn't talk much as we fell asleep. She fell asleep almost instantly she laid down. I asked if she still needed a backrub and she said her back was fine
We have our counseling appointment tomorrow. I'm sure its going to be a tough nite again as we seemed so focused on talking about why I didn't fill her love tanks. I still don't see how it helps
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
What are you doing to GAL Confused? You're doing pretty well with being attentive to her. Now what do you need to do for you?
I am working on getting a life by reconnecting with a few old friends. Unfortunately, none of them are local so I'm not sure if that's really going to help. We have two boys (in 2 months will be 7 and 3) so I'm spending time with them. I've also been focused on getting chores/honey do list items done. About 2 weeks ago, I started to use my weights and heavy bag a couple of times/week. There are a couple of close friends that I see once/week (during the day - either met for lunch or I leave early on Friday). They have really been supporting me emotionally about what's been going on. I've also be doing a lot of reading (Divorce Remedy, 5 Lanaguages of Love and will be starting Love without Hurt) as well as seeing a therapist by myself weekly.
I'm really not sure what else there is to do to GAL - I don't want to do things that make it appear I'm back on the "singles" scene. Any suggestions?
Today was a fair morning. My wife is home with our youngest as his daycare was closed for President's day. Our youngest was in a grumpy mood again as he woke up at 2:30 AM as he had an accident in bed - happens about once every month or so (not bad for a 2.5 year old). I took care of it as I couldn't sleep anyway.
I managed to get a couple of hours of sleep before I had to get up for work. I got ready and got the my oldest ready for school. Before I left, my wife was still in bed, but I went over and said I was going to give her a hug. She just opened her arm and I gave her a quick hug (seh hugged me with one arm) and I gave her a kiss on the check.
She seemed tired as she struggled with her cold last nite and her throat was bothering her again. She's also has a yeast infection that had just started. She's in a really tough spot physically, I'm sure it's related to stress that she's under as she physically takes a beating when she's under stress.
I should have picked up how she had issues with an ulcer over the last 2 years, but I didn't. I should have picked up how sad/disconnected she was since Sept of last year, but I didn't.
I should have done alot but I shut down and didn't allow myself to feel/see any of the pain or happiness. I know I'm beating myself up and shouldn't.
I am sad this morning, but I know I need to keep up a positive attitude in front of my wife and kids.
It is hard but do appreciate all the encouragement that I get from this board. It especially means alot to me as many/most of you are also battling the same issues I am.
In the past I didn't thank my wife when she cared. I don't want to make the same mistake here. Thank you everyone.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
