After work I picked up my daughter and went home. When I opened the door, I was totally surprised. There were balloons everywhere and on my kitchen table there was a cake that said "thank you for all you do for me". That was completely unexpected. My ex has a key to my place and had gone during her lunch hour to decorate my place. That evening we all got dressed up and went to some fancy restaurant up in Boston. It was such a wonderful night and my ex (won't use the word wife so that new folks don't get confused) looked just beautiful. We had great conversation and I so much want to hold her and tell her how much I love her (of course, I held back).
Regarding a couple of days ago, I was simply frustrated and had to let out some stream. There is absolutely no way I am giving up - although I sure feel like it some times. It seems like the more progress you make, the harder it gets. But this is where the rubber meets the road. I have to stick with this no matter how I feel and demonstrate to my ex that I am serious about being by her side. Like my buddy FaithfulH says, I must love her the way she wants to be loved with no strings attached.
25yearsmlc, Thank you so much for your feedback. There was no affair. You can read my story here:
In short, I got married, we were really happy the first three years and then when we had our daughter, I walked out on the family. Lodo, both you and FaithfulH are right. In the beginning I wanted to get a divorce and she wanted to make it work out. Later, I "woke up" and she made up her mind that I was never going to change and decided to divorce me. I did all I could to try to stop it from happening, but my realization came too late.
When I said it was better to be happy than to be right, I think there is a line between having an opinion and trying to prove everyone wrong. For the most part, I am not really a pushover and try to maintain and express my views/ideas/opinions. I don't think our little altercation had anything to do with our opinions though as it did with her perception. Towards the end of our marriage, I was very bitter (this was b/f my awakening)and basically began to put her family and friends down. I was so unhappy with life and myself that I guess it was easier to try to make everyone else share my misery. She definitely sees the changes in my attitude and the way I interact with her family/friends, but anything that suggests that I am trying to put them in a negative light (regardless of if I am keeping the discussion cognitive vs affective), tends to bring up bad memories and I think that is what happened here. She is still learning to trust me and I am still having to earn that trust. I did a lot of damage and those memories are just not easily erased. I liked the suggestions about trying to shed the debate in a more positive light.
For the most part, I think I am pretty upbeat and try to be the optimist, at least when I am around my ex or friends. Lodo, thank you for your comments. You are so correct about women being attractive to confidence. And thank you about reminding me about not losing myself.
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I mean, are you getting defensive b/c you feel so guilty and ashamed that in order to level the playing field with others, so you won't keep feeling 'beneath', then you put others down?
No, I don't think that is what's happening. A lot of my friends and I are use to sitting down for lunch and simply having what we call "D&D" - discussion and debate, where we share our views on things and if we disagree, we try to present good arguments to make our case. It is always friendly and we never think much about it afterwards. For the most part, my ex is that same way too. I think I touched a sensitive subject that brought out bad memories of how I use to be.
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But it sounds like you guys already have a pretty good relationship, so that's a great start.
Yes, we have made a lot of progress since last summer. There is still a lot of work to be done though.
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This is likely to be a test and part of it is testing your ability to show that over time, you'll still stick around. If not, she wants to know now.
This whole process is a test, but one I am determine to past. I am discovering more each day how much I love my wife and daughter. It is definitely not easy, as I am constantly having to suppress my feelings and do what is necessary to demonstrate my love and change of character. I keep reminding myself that everything I do much be an expression of love and not an expression of need. I so much want to tell her how much I love her, to be selfish and make this about fulfilling my emotional needs. But truth be told only God can fill that void. So everything I do towards them must be motivated to providing greater happiness, greater joy and greater love in their life, regardless of how that might make me feel at the moment.
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LMNW, Actions, not words.
Breton39, what can I say. Thank you for always being here.
Well, please continue posting and I will do the same. Off to bed.
