Is the upside up?

[glamgirl]

Upside go have that wine! Yeah I am a bit jealous of the overnights, but then I know if they were happening I would then complain that he is not living at the house. It seems like I am never satisfied, but who would be satisfied with the current state of affairs.

I hope you have fun with your h tonight. At least he is coming over and spending some time with you this evening.

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, I'm jealous of BOTH of you, so there!!!

My H told me a few days ago that he wanted "no contact" for the next month except finances and S17. And he said he would try to keep that contact to e-mail. He says that he thinks this will be better for me because I "get emotional". Did I mention the "next month" includes Valentines day, our 26th wedding anniversay, my birthday, AND the 28th anniversay of the day we met!! Yep, ain't it grand!! The bast***!!

But, actually, I'm doing just fine! If he acknowledged anything at all, it would sound false and be all tense, and I don't need that heartache!

Anyway, hope you enjoy your wine and your evening with your H, Upside! Really, I do!!

[[[[[[Upside & Glam]]]]]]

[Upside]

Hi glam and SC-
My H came over and was very sweet...maybe he realized he hadn't been very nice to me earlier. He came in and kissed me first thing (very unusual post bomb). He brought me flowers and had groceries to make chili because my D texted him the other day telling him she was craving his chili. My H and I made the chili, drank some wine and then relaxed watching a little TV. While we were cooking, I gave my H the gift I had bought for him...at first he complained that I shouldn't get him anything and that he hates Valentine's Day but he accepted the gift and thanked me for it. When my H left, he kissed me and thanked me for helping him cook. He said it was fun.

After the meltdown I had earlier in the day, the evening ended up so much nicer than I thought it would. My H did what he could to let me know he does care...I do appreciate his efforts.

[Silent Chrleader]

....After the meltdown I had earlier in the day, the evening ended up so much nicer than I thought it would. My H did what he could to let me know he does care...I do appreciate his efforts.

That's wonderful, Upside!! The fact that you had a meltdown, and your H didn't go scurrying back to he hole, but stepped up to the plate and did something to show he cared.

I think that's a very significant step!!

[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

[Upside]

Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of the bomb and my H leaving. So much has changed and yet some things have stayed the same...

My H came over for a few hours last night. I couldn't help but bring up the date. I think the discussion went well and was somewhat enlightening. I asked what is it going to take for things to change. My H talked about his anxiety and feeling like he has no control in his life. My H continues to admit that he is no longer angry at me...however he is now angry at his business partner. At one point in the conversation he said that maybe it will take me kicking him to the curb in order for him to straighten himself out...later he said he was only kidding about that. He said that he does not feel very much pleasure in his life right now. We discussed whether or not he is depressed and I showed him the signs of depression listed in Jim Conway's book Men in Midlife Crisis. He went through the list and said he only had 3 of the symptoms and that the book says that you need to get help if you have 4. I told him that I wasn't sure he only had 3. Then I showed him the stages...he skimmed through them making some comment about being in depression and withdrawl...maybe nearing acceptance. I offered the book to him but he didn't want it. He says he thinks maybe he should go talk to our C alone. I told him that was a good idea. We he left, he gave me lots of kisses and hugs...he even thanked me several for being so sweet.

I wonder if he will ever be able to figure out his issues and put them behind him...it does seem like he is at least willing to acknowledge that he has issues...BUT will he ever do the work???

[Grace_O]

At least he was willing to talk to you about depression and the stages. I like that he may go to C alone too.

Mostly I like the hugs and kisses stuff. <Sigh>

I wonder if he will ever be able to figure out his issues and put them behind him...it does seem like he is at least willing to acknowledge that he has issues...BUT will he ever do the work??

I admit I'm a bit of a behaviorist so, my question is if he behaves and thinks in a way that moves him forward (forward being towards a healthier R and communication etc) can the old stuff can be left for dead?

HUGS

[glamgirl]

At least your h is not still spewing at you. Did you read my recent spewing from my h. I am wondering will he or can he ever let it go?

What are your plans Upside? It seems like both our h's are still stuck.

[Upside]

Hi Grace-
Thanks as always for your encouragement. I do see that he is trying. He is spending more time with me and in someways acting more like we are a couple. He still has a lot of anxiety though. For example, he spent the night the other night and woke up around 3:00 a.m. He couldn't go back to sleep so he woke me up and told me he was thinking he was going to go to his apartment (half hour drive each way) but he would return in the morning since he had committed to being here when my family came over that day. He eventually calmed down and went back to sleep here. Very strange behavior that shows his anxiety.

hey glam-
I am sorry about your H's spew. I think your H is trying to let go of his issues but he goes back to them whenever he gets frustrated. I know it has to be hard but it really isn't about your or your M so if you can, try not to take it personally. My H said all kinds of mean things in the beginning but he has now redirected his anger. I'm not sure that is a good thing or not because the anger is still there.

The only plan I have right now is to live my life and try to be happy...however, when in this situation, I know feelings can change moment to moment.

I'm not sure I would say that our H's are stuck...maybe just moving at a snail's pace.

[new_attitude]

Hey Upside!
Your h sounds alot like mine, ... not happy with themselves, not feeling the control that they want. At least they have realized that they are married to wonderful women that they want to keep in their lives!

[Upside]

I haven't been the best at DBing lately. I have been pretty fed up. I see my H is trying but his behavior has gotten somewhat strange. Our C has been telling us that my H should start spending several nights at my house. My H will make plans to stay but when it comes down to it, he will back out. For example, he will fall asleep on the couch and when I tell him I am going to bed, he stays on the couch...later he will come in and telling me he can't sleep so he is going back to his apartment. He obviously is having anxiety issues...but why???

We had a C appointment scheduled a couple of days ago but my H backed out at the last minute. My H has been complaining about having elevated blood pressure lately (he is on meds) so he went to try acupuncture that day and was told to relax afterward. I went ahead and went without him. I was so frustrated I was telling the C that I am done. The C told me to give him more time...another couple of months. The C said that it is apparent that my H is being forced to deal with his issues and it is manifesting itself in his hyper-tension. I'm not sure what to think of any of this. I talked to my H yesterday and told him that I don't want to do this anymore. He has no answers. He does want to work on things but is pretty clear that he is having difficulty with the thought of moving back in with me. This is all really getting to him physically...he told me that he thinks he will die if I am not in his life.