Well I have finaly come to the decision that I have to pursue the big D.
Things were going pretty good, you can see my sitch in my siggy, but the end came when H came to pick up our son for the day. He put S in the truck and was talking to me when I noticed a necklace hanging from his mirror..."what is this?" I asked.
It was an egyptian hyroglyph neckalce with the name of a woman on the back. He gave me a thin excuse about how he found it in the truck when he was cleaning it out and that it must belong to a friend of his sisters. His sister had lived with us about 2 years ago and used his truck and he is just now finding it??
Anyway, this was a girl I had suspicions about. He proceeded to tell me that there were a lot of women that he had led on and flirted with throughout the past three years, but that he never got physical. Ok, yeah right. I had already delt with an A back in 05 and now he tells me since then he continued with this behavior. He knew it was wrong, but it is what it is.
Everything fell into place and I realized that there is nothing left. I know that it is a common thought that affairs happen because there was something lacking in the marriage, but honestly, I believe that H is a serial cheater and no matter what I could have done, he would be this type of man. I know what I have contributed, but there is no way for me to justify what he has done to me and our family. None of my actions lead to this. I know that I was a loving and supportive wife. I stood by him even though I was being humiliated when there were numerous allegations at work about his behavior...
He is slick, charming and completely narsacisstic. He need admiration to a degree that I cannot fulfill. He has a tendency to exaggerate his accomplishments and he lies frequently. I guess it has always been there and I just turned a blind eye to it all because I fell under his spell...for 8 years. I thought there was a chance for a minute, but after this bomb drop this week, he tells me that he is not sure he wants me in his life because I never believed in him.
He refuses to take resposibility for his actions and blames me for his affairs and lack of committment. He tells me that I "made" him stay with me when he wasn't happy. I had left him a half a dozen times in the past three years and each and every time he came around and begged for me back, just to treat me like sh*t again. Just last year he was committed to a physchiatric hospital because after he attacked me in a drunkin rage and I got a restraining order, he threatened to commit suicide.
I feel like I have just woken up and realized that I was in an emotionally abusive realtionship and that nothing that I had in the past 8 years was real. On some level, I knew something was going on. Something in my gut kept telling me things weren't jiving. He always told me I was crazy, nuts, insecure and jealous. None of these characteristics are what any of my friends would ever describe me as. I am a confident and logical woman with a successful career and the respect of my peers. I never had a reason to feel insecure, except for the things that H has done to me over the years.
Although I am glad to finally gain control of the direction I want to go in, I am still hurting inside and in such turmoil. My daughter is in such pain because of all of this and I want to help her out as much as possible, so any advise would be appreciated.
Hey, sorry that your sitch has entered the phase where you felt inclined to move over here. I guess we all made the same move from other forums on the site to this one... Based on that, and especially my own experience in a sitch very similar to yours, you'll probably still "waffle" just a bit, so be prepared, it is normal.
At this point in time, with a serial cheater like you have, it is important to really step outside of the sitch and take an objective look at what you have. If you were a 3rd person looking in on your situation, what would YOU advise yourself to do? If you can pull that off, it could give you a bit of strength in whatever direction you truly decide to follow.
As for his excuses and any thoughts that you could have done something differently to prevent things from reaching this point, take them for what you KNOW they are. Complete bull! Sure, everyone could have done things "better" but when you are dealing with a serial cheater, someone with such an innate set of character flaws, the onus lies squarely in their court. Short of lowering your standards for what is right and wrong, or otherwise “enabling” his destructive behavior, there is nothing you could have done. And whatever you do, don’t allow this to hit you in the self esteem department. Again, it isn’t that you weren’t enough for him, weren’t good enough, etc. In truth, his behavior might have been caused by the fact that you were “too much” or “too good” for him.
So, take heart in that. Right now just try to step outside and see things for what they truly are. Then, you can choose your path wisely.
My heart breaks for you. How can you be such a SMILE dealing with all of this sh*t!?!?!?
OK, I have absolutely no experience with a cheater (I HOPE!), and I'm a whining sap regarding my own sitch, which is not an eighth as bad as I've just read yours to be, BUT I do have something to contribute... Regarding your D...
I was D'd from my D17's Dad when she was 3 (were separated for almost a year, as well). I married my H a year after that, and from the time my H and I started dating (after divorce), her Dad went from a pain to a nightmare. I can share what didn't work...
--- going between houses a few times a week for a short period of time (confusing, completely different sets of values, etc...) --- constant battling between us (not in front of her) that caused ME to not be as patient, comforting, etc... to her, ESPECIALLY when it came to topics re: her Dad. --- wasted time in Court. (extremely stressful for everyone involved - get as much handled PRIOR to an D agreement as possible) --- NEVER let her hear negativity about her D.
My D17 hasn't seen her Dad for nearly two years because of the very behavior's that led me to divorce him. They figure it out on their own, if they have your solid foundation and ethics.
HUG those kids to death... Let them see and interact with their Dad, and just let it be, assuming it's a safe environment.
I wish we were closer! I'd send my D17 over to bbsit, and take you out for a shot and a beer!
HUGS!!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Steve- Thank you for your advice and perspective. There are times that my self eteem suffers, but mostly I am humiliated beyond belief. The shame that I feel is astounding. Not that I feel like it is my fault that he cheated, but more that I put up with it and that I feel everyone must have felt so sorry for me. I know that I was enough and that I gave it all I had. I tried to forgive, but when things don't jive, they don't. I should have trusted myself from the start. I cannnot waffle on this, at least where he can see it. He can pinpoint weakness and exploit it to the max. I had seen him do it with other people, I just was dumb enought to think that I would be different. My eyes have been opened and everything has fallen neatly into place. I see it all too clearly now and feel utterly disgusted with this man.
MB-Thank you so much. I could use a shot and a beer right about now! I worry about the kids so much in this sitch..it seems like H uses them to pull me in his direction. Case in point-this is my weekend with them. Since I cancelled plans to spend this day with H doing "family" events, I made sure we were plenty busy. He txted me to see if he could have kids on Sun, I ignore. He called this morning, I do not answer. He leaves me a vm that starts off"I am calling to tell you and the kids happy v-day. I also want to know if the kids are ok. I txt you and you don't reply, I call you and you don't answer. I expect you to answer when I call b/c I am concerned about the kids. You should answer the phone."
I wait to call back and tell him that the kids are fine and if there were something wrong he would know. I had plans with the kids on MY weekend (I have them all the time, but since I work full time, weekends are precious). He then started to yell at me about not answering my phone and "when I call you better pick up the effing phone! You hear me, answer your gdamned phone when I call.My response "you will not talk to me that way. If you want to ask about the kids you had better change you tone. How about you call me in a couple of hours and be an adult about it and we can discuss it then. Until then we have nothing more to say to each other."
I was fuming. Took the kids to eat and to an aquarium, and just like you said, MB, I could not focus or be patient.
My daughter asks me so many questions. I try to be honest without making H out to be the bad guy. I just tell her that we wanted different things in life. She says "when you are married you are supposed to consider what the other person wants in life" I just tell her I know it is confusing and I am confused too. She presses me and tells me that she deserves to know the truth and she knows that daddy walked away. She said she thinks that people should mean what they say and that when she get married, she will make sure that her H means it when he says "for better or worse, in sickness and in health". Not like daddy who lies. She said deep inside her, in the M****(my maiden name) side of her, she knows that we are fighters and we never give up. I freaking LOVE that kid. Oh man, it was a tough convo, but I know that she knows how hard I fought and I never had to say anything bad at all about H-she sees it. It truly breaks my heart. I hug and hold on to that girl every chance I get.
When we discovered the OW almost 4 years ago, D was with me. This woman declares her love for H and how they had been together for xx amount of time. D was looking at me and she says "daddy has a girlfriend? you are not supposed to have a gf when you are married." I could have ripped that woman to shreds if D weren't with me. D falls apart and starts to wail and moan. I get her to our house where she lies on the loving room floor and cries about how daddy just broke her heart. My stomach turns thinking about it.
Three weeks after that H comes home, crying, on his knees begging me to give him a chance. He says he can't stand what he did to D and me.
I tried to forgive, he tried for about 6 months, then he shifted back to old ways. He said as far as he is concerned, our marriage died summer of 06. No doubt the time he got involved with a lot of OW.
Oh well, I have to sift through the pain and anger and still be logical. I have the money in place in case I have to go to court, but will look at mediation. I have an appointment with IC next week and am setting up my D for some counseling through her PCM.
I am trying to be strong and maintain my confidence and sanity through all of this. I hate that a board like this exists-but am truly greatful for all the support I have found here...
Wow. Your daughter and my son really are some smart cookies that's for sure. They pick up on so much and I believe MB is correct that you have to take the high road. The kids will figure it out for themselves and you owe it to them to let them. They're innocents and very smart ones at that.
I'm always up for a shot and a beer by the way. Just let me know when and where
Confidence? I wasn't aware of the physical aspect. That's not cool at all. Do you really want your daughter to grow up thinking that's normal? I think not. I do think your husband wanted to get back together from what you told us. I do. I think he's really f'd up in the head too. Until he can look at himself in the mirror and realize what he wants, I don't think you owe him anything. I think if you go through with it he'll have to deal with it much more than you will. I think you'll be fine and will find somebody you really like and care about.
Your kids are what is important. Setting a good example for them is important. Your Daughter sees one. Your son will deserve the same. It'll take every ounce of strength but you're worth it. Your kids are way worth it.
I'm so sorry to hear this. I really had high hopes for you.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
...but mostly I am humiliated beyond belief. The shame that I feel is astounding. Not that I feel like it is my fault that he cheated, but more that I put up with it and that I feel everyone must have felt so sorry for me.
Yep, know that feeling OH SO WELL! Sounds like you are the kind of person that I am and the last thing you want is someone feeling sorry for you. Again, what I've discovered is that imagining that what other people are thinking about you is a lot like imagining you done when thinking what all your X MIGHT have done with others, and when. Your mind will tend to run with things and go to the worst case scenario. Bottom line is that you have no way of knowing what they are really thinking, so don't let it bother you. Chances are that they might very well be feeling sorry for your H because he is losing someone like you!
Good job on setting the boundaries with you H. Squash his verbal abuse, give him short replies via text to take away his "concerned about the kids" excuse. After the divorce I went for a period of probably 2-3 months where I would answer the phone when my X called, I used txt. It worked... she quit calling to bitch and complain.
As for D, yeah, take the high road. We all know that and it is MOST DEF the proper way to handle things. You prob haven't read my sitch but I'll give you condensed version. Four kids, married 17 years. X goes nuts with affairs, one was very public and my two oldest daughters heard the rumors and saw the aftermath. To this day I won't tell them anything beyond the most general things. As much as I think it would serve her right to have to answer to her kids on what she did, I DO NOT want the kids to think poorly of their mother. I worshipped mine and would like for them to have the same opportunity. My X, and you H, are doing enough damage on their own part, no need to dog pile. Kids, and everyone else, will figure it out on their own.
Steve, I have read some of your sitch and we certainly have similarities. I can imgaine the hurt and aguish that you were feeling and to go through all of that mess with her partying all the time while the kids were with her, you have a lot of strength and patience. I admire how you take the high road and I hope that I have the strength in my character to do the same.
AJ, Yes. He got physical with me and said a lot of hateful hurtful stuff when he came home in a drunken stupor. I tried to lock him out of our room, so I could lay with my son. He broke in and punched me in the leg while I was laying in bed nursing my 7 wk old son. My daughter had woken up and was in the hallway and saw the whole thing. When I gathered up the kids to get out of the house, he called the police and tried to say that I attacked him and I was taking the kids away. Anyway-they didn't believe him. He got thrown into the mental hospital and his doctors were telling me that he was ill and that the PTSD was making him irrational and then violent. That with counseling he could get better, yadda, yadda, yadda...it has been a long nightmare and I kept making excuses for him because I thought he was truly sick. He never acted like that before. Before the bomb of the first affair, he was mr. perfect, so I had to justify his actions in my mind. Oh well, the fog has lifted and I can see clearly for the first time in many years.
I try no to think to hard about everything, but then again, I am an overthinker. Sunday, H had the kids for the day so I spent it out an about and tried to kill the emotions with retail thereapy. When I got home I felt no better and commenced to cleaning the house and got a lot of anger and hurt out. Got all of the needless stuff I bought and put it back into the car, returned them today.
Anyway, when H picked up kids Sunday, he said "so, a friendship is something you are not interested in?" I said "no, I am not. I do not want to have anything at all to do with a friendship. We can be civil and be nice, but not friends." "But I think a friendship will be good for me" "Right, good for you. Once again, no consideration for me here. I will say this for the last time. You have cheated me out of many years and I will not waste another hoping that you will change. You will always cheat and I will never trust you. There is something wrong inside of you that I cannot fix. I have been good to you and patient with you and I cannot so it anymore" "I only cheated on you the one time" "Sure you did, H. Maybe it was the only time you f'ed someone else, but I boubt it." He just looks sad and nods his head, then says, "well, I am taking the kids to pizza hut if you want to go." "no, Thank you"
I guess he still doesn't get it-so it gets better.
He brings the kids home and he walks in wiht S freshly bathed and in PJs. He also brings in pizza and some bread from a local bakery. He gives me S and starts to go into my kitchen to make me a plate while I nurse. He does not ask if this is ok, by the way and his truck is still running in the driveway. He starts to talk about their day and he a D banter back and forth about the day. He sits down and takes S while I eat, and just hangs out. When I ask him if he had to go because his truck was still running, he was like, oh yeah, I'll go turn it off. WTF? D goes out with him and they play outside for a few minutes, then he comes in and says, "so you guys are going bowling tomorrow? Remember when we used to do that all the time. We had so much fun on that league, even though we sucked. It was a good time though" D asks him if he wants to go. (now why do I feel ambushed here?). I tell her that we would talk about it later. As he is FINALLy walking out of the door, he tells D to call him if she needs help with her bowling.
D tells me she is sorry for asking him, that she doesn't want to make me uncomfortable, but that she hasn't spent a lot of time with him since he moved here. Her visitation with her father coincides with H and S's weekends (make sense?) She calls him today and he shows up for bowling. We bowl and then H complains about being hungry and wants to take us to eat. We go to eat and then back to my house where he plays with D outside while I put S down for a needed nap.
After H finally leaves, he txted, "thank you had a good time" I reposnd with "you're welcome"
I did not have a good or bad time. My mind is still set on the D and at this point there is nothing that will change my mind. He talked a little today about where I was thinking of moving to. I am looking for a new neighborhood. He said he would like to live closer to us-like next door, so he could come over to 'see what mama's cooking' Ha! D got a kick out of that and I just smirked. he always talks about how we are going to be great friends an neighbors. That is how I know he truly belongs in the nut house
Anyway. I feel pretty good and glad not to be hanging on every word or gesture. As a matter of fact, H and I barely interacted and I liked it like that. I felt no draw or pull towards him, and for the first time in a long time I looked at him with no attraction. Making up my mind to no longer be held hostage by my emotions and walk towards my path feels good and right. I just gotta work through the shame and anger and I will be a-ok.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
