Steve- Thank you for your advice and perspective. There are times that my self eteem suffers, but mostly I am humiliated beyond belief. The shame that I feel is astounding. Not that I feel like it is my fault that he cheated, but more that I put up with it and that I feel everyone must have felt so sorry for me. I know that I was enough and that I gave it all I had. I tried to forgive, but when things don't jive, they don't. I should have trusted myself from the start. I cannnot waffle on this, at least where he can see it. He can pinpoint weakness and exploit it to the max. I had seen him do it with other people, I just was dumb enought to think that I would be different. My eyes have been opened and everything has fallen neatly into place. I see it all too clearly now and feel utterly disgusted with this man.
MB-Thank you so much. I could use a shot and a beer right about now! I worry about the kids so much in this sitch..it seems like H uses them to pull me in his direction. Case in point-this is my weekend with them. Since I cancelled plans to spend this day with H doing "family" events, I made sure we were plenty busy. He txted me to see if he could have kids on Sun, I ignore. He called this morning, I do not answer. He leaves me a vm that starts off"I am calling to tell you and the kids happy v-day. I also want to know if the kids are ok. I txt you and you don't reply, I call you and you don't answer. I expect you to answer when I call b/c I am concerned about the kids. You should answer the phone."
I wait to call back and tell him that the kids are fine and if there were something wrong he would know. I had plans with the kids on MY weekend (I have them all the time, but since I work full time, weekends are precious). He then started to yell at me about not answering my phone and "when I call you better pick up the effing phone! You hear me, answer your gdamned phone when I call.My response "you will not talk to me that way. If you want to ask about the kids you had better change you tone. How about you call me in a couple of hours and be an adult about it and we can discuss it then. Until then we have nothing more to say to each other."
I was fuming. Took the kids to eat and to an aquarium, and just like you said, MB, I could not focus or be patient.
My daughter asks me so many questions. I try to be honest without making H out to be the bad guy. I just tell her that we wanted different things in life. She says "when you are married you are supposed to consider what the other person wants in life" I just tell her I know it is confusing and I am confused too. She presses me and tells me that she deserves to know the truth and she knows that daddy walked away. She said she thinks that people should mean what they say and that when she get married, she will make sure that her H means it when he says "for better or worse, in sickness and in health". Not like daddy who lies. She said deep inside her, in the M****(my maiden name) side of her, she knows that we are fighters and we never give up. I freaking LOVE that kid. Oh man, it was a tough convo, but I know that she knows how hard I fought and I never had to say anything bad at all about H-she sees it. It truly breaks my heart. I hug and hold on to that girl every chance I get.
When we discovered the OW almost 4 years ago, D was with me. This woman declares her love for H and how they had been together for xx amount of time. D was looking at me and she says "daddy has a girlfriend? you are not supposed to have a gf when you are married." I could have ripped that woman to shreds if D weren't with me. D falls apart and starts to wail and moan. I get her to our house where she lies on the loving room floor and cries about how daddy just broke her heart. My stomach turns thinking about it.
Three weeks after that H comes home, crying, on his knees begging me to give him a chance. He says he can't stand what he did to D and me.
I tried to forgive, he tried for about 6 months, then he shifted back to old ways. He said as far as he is concerned, our marriage died summer of 06. No doubt the time he got involved with a lot of OW.
Oh well, I have to sift through the pain and anger and still be logical. I have the money in place in case I have to go to court, but will look at mediation. I have an appointment with IC next week and am setting up my D for some counseling through her PCM.
I am trying to be strong and maintain my confidence and sanity through all of this. I hate that a board like this exists-but am truly greatful for all the support I have found here...
