Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

XW just called to tell me she is on the way to pick up our children and I told her that I really appreciated her calling me as her first option to be with our children when she had a scheduling challenge. She said, "Of course."

I then apologized for even considering her an option to bail me out of my self-inflicted jam. She said I didn't need to apologize, but I said yes, I do and I mean it. I told her I was so disappointed in myself for failing to do the right things to get myself out of my jam; for not doing what is necessary to care for my children properly and for impacting her my failure up 'til now. I told her that I've been wallowing in my own 'stuff' and I am mostly ashamed that I have pissed away my time and wasted my God-given talents and abilities during the past 1-1/2 years. She thanked me for telling her what I did and for the first time ever in my sitch I am focused on me and NOT my XW.

I feel a renewed energy and focus to help myself and to get back on track being a man of God who was born to lead both myself and those around me, including my beautiful and perfect children. My recent troubles are a huge obstacle for me to overcome, but overcome them I will. I will do what I know I am capable of, which is to initiate all of the actions necessary to right my path and my situation.