Que Sera, Sera - Whatever Will Be, Will Be

[lemonsnap]

Hello all,
I've been reading messages on this forum like mad for the last few days, and I've already read the DB book from cover to cover after getting it from the library early this week. This is the first time I've posted, so thanks in advance for your patience as I get the hang of this!
Here's a very abridged version of what's going on:
Me: 29
H: 29
M: 6 months, T: 8 years
Bomb: 1/24/2009
We've been together for 8 years. We met when I was a college student in Spain, and became great friends/started dating seriously soon after. We dated long distance while I finished college and then I moved to Spain to be closer to H (then boyfriend). Worked in a nearby town and lived with him and his family on weekends. Got our own apartment and lived there for several years until 2004 when we decided to move to the US - to my hometown in the northwest- for a better future economically, etc. Lived with my parents for a year to save money, then got our own apartment and have been there since. I've been working full time since then, and H has been studying full time in order to get college degree. He spent first full year learning English, since we'd always spoken in Spanish before.
In Nov. 2005 I had a 1 night A with someone I'd never met before while on a business trip to a foreign country (UGH. I still can't believe what a terrible mistake I made.) No contact ever again with that person, but I was open and honest with H and let him know it happened. It was a very difficult time for both of us afterwards. We decided to stay together and moved to our own apartment (we'd been living with my parents for a year since coming back to US in order to save $.)
Fast forward - we've been living in our apartment for 3+ years together now, H asked me to marry him in 2/07 and we were married in 8/08. The engagement was a stressful time what with my family being fairly intense and involved in the wedding, and his family being so far away (but 13 people coming from Spain for wedding, which we had to organize too.)
I tend to be a very detail oriented, specific, somewhat controlling person, so obviously this was difficult for my H. But we got through it, and while I knew we had some challenges and issues to deal with, I assumed they were things that any busy, stressed couple would deal with.
Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. After what seemed to be a small argument about something so minor I can't even remember it now, my H came out with the ILYBNILWY bit. He has always been the quieter one when it came to his feelings, although when we first were together he was incredibly open and straightforward about communicating emotions and feelings. I think over time he's become less open and more closed off (I recognize that I have had, I'm afraid, a large role in this.) The severity of our problems (at least in his eyes) surprised me greatly and I'm trying hard now to get my feet back under me.
During the first two weeks I did all the no-no's - crying, asking lots of "whys" and trying hard to understand why this was all happening (I'm a very analytical person. Lots of whys.) Trying to convince H that we could work on things together. All the things I'm now learning are NOT helpful.
At this point in time H is pretty adamant about separating and getting his own apartment. He says that he still loves me, and always will love me, and would like to stay close by so that we can still see each other and do things together, but that he needs time to be alone so that he can think. He feels that things have changed between us and that he can't feel much of anything right now.
Thank goodness for DB. In the last few days I've taken a big step back from option A (freakout) and am trying to do more of option B (DB, GAL) for myself. I've realized that I can't make him stay, and if I do, he won't be happy right now. I've stopped trying to talk about our R and what we can do to improve it. I'm spending more time by myself in order to give him some more space, while he's still living with me. I went to a yoga class this week, went for a walk with a friend, worked on a project in a different room. I'm trying to be positive when around H, although it's so hard to watch him suffering through what is obviously a very difficult time for him as well. He looks like a confused, hurt animal.
Well, this is already WAY too long. I'm hoping to use this site as a journal so that I can share my ups and downs and hopefully positive experiences with everyone. Thank you SO much for reading this and for any support you can provide.
I'm really happy to have found you all.

[lemonsnap]

Last night I went out for a long walk with a girl friend of mine who's been a really great sounding board for me. Sometimes it surprises me that I'm able to laugh at some things even during what I'd consider the hardest time in my life. I came home and H was still awake. I sat with him for a while and really paid attention to him, listened to him, but didn't initiate any conversation. Went to bed soon after with a simple goodnight kiss.
This morning he came over to me at the breakfast table and gave me a long hug and kiss on the head and said, "Happy Valentine's Day. I want you to know that I love you" Of course, me being the stickler I am, I immediately said "Valentine's Day is tomorrow" (oops, keep mouth shut) but quickly followed with "but thank you, I love you very much too."
!!!
It's these little things that give me hope and make me think there is still a warm and beating heart in H still! I'm trying not to read into them too much, and just moving forward with life, working on my own plans.
But it did make me feel good to hear that...

[lemonsnap]

Well, H and I have our first EVER appointment with MC this Sunday. What a great way to spend a VD 3 day weekend!!!!

I'm not sure what to expect from the session, but I did speak with the MC and she's very familiar with solution focused therapy and often recommends DB book to her clients, so that's a big positive. Whether H continues sessions (I really hope so) or not, one of my goals is that I will continue to see her either way as this all plays out.

Wish me luck!

[saffie]

Good luck - and sorry you are here!!!!!

[lemonsnap]

Thanks, Saffie.
I'll post an update after we've gone to MC.

Last night I couldn't sleep for the longest time. I kept thinking back to all sorts of memories from when I was little - just random things, nothing negative. I haven't thought of some of those things in ages.

Is my brain so jumbled that it's bringing up all sorts of childhood memories? I feel like someone stuck a big spoon in my head and stirred it around. Or maybe I'm just trying to remember happier times...

I've got a new project to work on - a friend is pregnant and I'm making a quilt for her. I've never sewn anything complicated before, and am basically teaching myself how, so needless to say it's a super slow process and gives me more than enough time to think alone. Who would have thought ironing could be peaceful?

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone.

[song]

Good Luck at MC, it's GREAT that you found a solution based counselor. It's also great that you are here as early in the process as you are. I wasted 6 months or more doing all the wrong things before I found this site and Michele's books. I just hope I can undo all that damage that has been done in the meantime, and with the 2 failed MC encounters we went through.

Thank you for reading about my sitch and commenting. I really appreciate the kindness and wisdom of everyone here, it's so uplifting during such a painful time.

[lemonsnap]

Hi guys,
I'll give y'all a more detailed update of our first MC session tomorrow - just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and hoping that you all found some positive things to celebrate this weekend. I had beautiful sunny weather here and I went on a great walk. Small things to be happy about, but right now that's what I can hang onto. Valentine's Day was rough - but I made it.

[lemonsnap]

For the last few weeks, I've been having a really hard time falling asleep. I've got a brain that just seems to be working overdrive all the time. I'm tired when I go to bed, but it takes me at least 2 hours to fall asleep and then I wake up - or never really get to sleep - all night. I usually fall asleep around 5:00am, which isn't good when you've got to be up and functioning the next morning. Nighttime seems to be the most difficult for me. Everything seems to really hit home at night, and I feel more lonely then too.

What do you all do to battle the insomnia? How do you sleep?

[hopefulinEG]

Have you thought about seeing your doctor about the insomnia. I have been having similar problem but not every night. I lay awake for hours and when I do doze I wake up every hour or so and can't stop thinking about R & D.

I had a few sleeping pills my dr had prescribed for a previous problem that I didn't use all of and so I used them a few night and it allowed me to go to sleep and sleep through the night. I told my C about it and said I worried about getting more because they are habit forming and she said that to get through this time I need to get sleep and take care of myself and there is nothing wrong with taking some medication to help. And as far as the habit forming unless a year from now I can't sleep without them I wouldn't worry about it.

I have an appointment with my Dr. schedule do get some more.

[spellfire]

Resolving sleep issues was a big first step for me. I did things like:

* No coffee except first thing in the morning
* No using computer an hour before bed
* Increased physical activity (martial arts and working out)
* Taking care of stress items instead of procrastinating
* Journal my thoughts during the day

I notice you said it takes you about 2 hours to go to sleep and that time is usually 5am. Does that mean you are going to bed at 3am each night? What is your "usual" bedtime?