In case I don't get a chance tomorrow, good luck to both of you on Saturday. BeingMe, I guess I've be of the screen too long, you'll have to fill me in later. Hope your doing well/better.
I gave H his stuff this morning so I wouldn't chicken out. The standard operating procedure is for him to get crabbier and crabbier until the Day has past, and makining me glad to stay away. Before he reached the peak of Crab I surprised him a day early. He said 'what's this? is that today?' A few minutes later we were both in the kitchen and H was standing in front the sink, I wanted a glass of water and he thought I was waiting for a hug. I'm trying real hard not to be upset by H's behavior again but I just really want to call H a jerk today.
I had a good rest of the day at work and had a wonderful lunch with family. I thought I had a movie date with my young gnephew but he stood me up!! Kids! I had people coming for riding lessons tomorrow but they've canceled also. It might end up to be a very long weekend afterall. Ick.
I might have to actually buckle down and do paperwork but I think I can get a few loads of manure hauled out on the field instead if the ground stays froze. It's unfortunate though that a manure spreader is the only piece of equipment that the manufacturer won't stand behind. hahahahahaha (get it?)
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Last night I went for a therapy ride on my horse, and then decided that I'd go back to town rather than be home alone for the evening. I went to the Christian Bookstore, I love browsing bookstores. They were having open mic, so I enjoyed a cappucino and music. Crabby H was home when I got back and I got the silent treatment.
Today the discussion about repairing the clutch in the tractor turned into an R talk. Parts of the convo included me asking H if he has decided yet if he was still leaving or staying. He wouldn't say. He asked me if I wanted him to go? We did some more work.
Finally I asked H to come stand with me. I said I don't want you to leave but there's a but, I don't want us to stay the way we are, we have to change. You are smart and funny and handsome and witty and intelligent and I want it all. H's response was his cousin told him that H's dads side of the family was all gifted and very smart. He was going to walk away and I asked for a hug. H said why? I said why not? we hugged.
So, nothing really new. I've said those things other times.
H helped me get the manure pile spread. Now we're headed to town to get some supplies, and maybe we'll eat out tonight.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
We went to town and got the things we were looking for. We went to eat at our favorite local restaraunt. H talked about this new business he is building and how him and this other guy have things all figured out. As we were leaving the restaraunt the owner talked to H about needing things from H's new business!
I remembered something I told H during our R talk earlier. I told him it took a stronger man to stay than to walk away. He got in the skid loader and said 'guess I better go then' and drove away.
I don't think my H is going anywhere but it would be nice to hear him verbalize it. False security for me.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I did a 180 tonight. Instead of thinking positive I wandered into all the things that are wrong between me and H and if he will ever be honest about anything again. What if he can't forgive himself?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I wonder about this with my own H. The answer I come up with is that I can't do anything about that. Looking that far into the future gets pointless for me--all the what ifs. It's out of our hands. I try to embrace the present instead, regardless of H and his state of mind.
How can I make this a short story? Long tough week.
I asked H today if he was staying or leaving. H said "I'll leave today if you want me too." I said I'm tired of that threat all the time. I said I'm going to a meeting, you can pack up what's left and be gone when I get home. More time, more stuff said, H came and took my coffee and set it down and hugged me a long time. Before I left he asked "what will you do if I'm not gone when you get back?" I said "what can I do?" H said he had errands to do but he let me know that if he wasn't here when I got home that he was just doing errands and would be home this evening. I'm not backing down, this screwed up life has to change. I just don't know how to enforce my words.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
