I don't know about other people, but I absolutely feel so surprised when a book is able to put into concise sentences the way that I have felt for years, but was unable to describe so succinctly.
I wasn't going to read this book when I first heard about it. I had no desire to read one more book that would tell me what I needed to do differently in order to make our M better.
A good friend encouraged me to read it anyway. Ty
Terrance Real, "How Can I Get Through to You"
....Maggie had spent most of her life under Hera's curse. Like many wives of her generation, she had reached out longingly toward her husband's back, while he huddled over the pool of his ambition. "somewhere in the early years of our marriage," Maggie says, "I felt that Steve made a unilateral, irreversible decision that his career came first, over and above the family, and over and above his relationship to me. My career didn't even blip on his screen. He was always a good father to the children, when he was with us. But there just wasn't enough of him to go around. Not just physically, but energy-wise, emotionally. I tried to fight it. I really tried. But it just seemed to make things worse."
As Steve experienced it, mostly what maggie meant by "trying" was complaint. "I don't think I was aware of it," he confesses, "but it starts to feel easier to stay at work than to come home when you know you're going to be bitched at."
amazing......
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I promise myself that from now on, things are going to be different. I am going to make my plans with myself, my kids, & my friends, without waiting for H to call from work, come home from work, or finish his work at home.
Life is too short to wait all the time.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
What's so amazing about that? I am not aware of one guy, aside from those on this board, that doesn't feel that way. I did too. Still do to some degree.
My tune changed rapidy when
Quote:
I am going to make my plans with myself, my kids, & my friends, without waiting for H to call from work, come home from work, or finish his work at home.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
I promise myself that from now on, things are going to be different. I am going to make my plans with myself, my kids, & my friends, without waiting for H to call from work, come home from work, or finish his work at home.
Life is too short to wait all the time.
I tried that ... all it got me was "you are excluding me... making sure to not involve me in the kids' lives".
If I were to do it again, I'd make sure I was clear with him what I was doing it & why. That was probably my mistake. I just 'did it'. He viewed it as controling & manipulative. I viewed it as "getting off the pot" so to speak.
Waiting around for a work-a-holic to decide to stop working is insane. However, in my case, just taking the kids & going on with life, even while in the same house, just pushed him further away & into his job.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
My H is a complete workaholic too!! Our whole life, he has been a guy who always had to be doing something "productive". He always have several projects going. And it's not that he's a couch potato and doesn't ever do them. It's that he is never satisfied with the "status quo". And he always hated the fact that I liked to curl up with a good book, or watch a sappy movie. He thought it was a waste of time......
Hang in there, [[[[[SC]]]]]. You deserve happiness!! I think that making plans and not worry so much about your H may be ok, because perhaps your H doesn't like to feel like he's holding back your fun. Maybe if you talked to him and told him that you want him to join you, and don't want to exclude him at all, but that you don't want to resent him anymore either, so you are going to do what makes you and the kids happy, and you will let him know what you are doing so he can join, but you won't count on it.
Remember, GAL'ing is a good thing!!!
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
What's so amazing about that? I am not aware of one guy, aside from those on this board, that doesn't feel that way. I did too. Still do to some degree.
oops, I didn't explain my "amazing" very well. It was almost a thinking out loud comment.
the amazing part was that those paragraphs described me so well. Not that he felt bitched at. I did my years of bitching too.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Bridge, I see what you're saying, what I'm wondering is..... does H "lose track" of time at work because he knows I'm sitting at home waiting for him ?? Or I should, say I was.
How are you sweets ?
I'm sending you mail.
big hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I decided to do exactly what I wanted to. I laid in bed, read a book for a while "How Can I Get Through to You". Interesting read.
H called & said he was headed home from work, I told him I was just headed out.
I took S9 shopping for his favorite thing in the world Bakugan...... lol I took him to our favorite car wash, they have wax that is 3 colors & smells like big stick popsicles. We are both easily amused.
Then I dropped him off, & went & got my nails done.
Came back, picked up D14 & we went to our favorite place in the neighborhood.... Target. LOL
We got her some new ipod ear buds, & a t-shirt for valentine's day. Then I took her to get a frozen yogurt with fresh berries. We talked. I told her a few of the wild & crazy things I did before I was married & her mom. Like riding a mechanical bull for 10 full seconds, & snowmobiling up the biggest baddest vertical mountain I'd ever seen. I told her that I had given up a lot of myself in this relationship & that I didn't want her to do that, & I didn't want her to learn that from me.
She opened up & told me a few things about her new boyfriend.
I gave her some of my best mom advice.....call me anytime from anywhere & you'll have a safe ride home, no questions asked and no lecture.
I also told her that no matter what happened with her dad & I, I would not take her away from her school, her friends, her environment. She thanked me & seemed 100% relieved.
By that time we were headed back home, talking about her plans for the night. A group of them wanted to go see Friday the 13th.....
It was really great. The Hi's are very hi & the Low's are very low. Opposition in all things.
Now, I'm climbing in bed with a glass of blackberry merlot, & a good book.
I'm happy when I'm in charge of me & my decisions & choices.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Ty 