Standing on the Edge

[MsMelancoly]

Hhhmm, sounds like you recovered well from the spat. I'm sure the car issue is something she needs to figure out on her own. Giving advise is so difficult not to do sometimes. So how's it going with your roommate?

[native]

My housemate, Adam, her younger cousin, is a young guy (25) who needs a lot of help. He's been to prison for stealing, has two children by previous girlfriend, present girlfriend is pregnant (she does not stay overnight here) and he ends up being used by the people he contracts painting for because of his lack of business savvy.

I can help him with only so much as he wants help with. We get along pretty well right now. He is not here most of the time.

All I can say is that there aren't too many worse combinations than being young and well.....dumb.

He is a nice guy though, with intentions generally.

[native]

Tonight the evil WAS came out again. Like a corpse on Halloween. After several weeks of really nice, really cooperative behavior, saying she missed me, etc. she turns into the evil one incarnate again.

Don't know what triggered it, but she seemed to be upset because I had called her father the other night when she did not respond to my text from the circus I took our daughter to. I thought it odd because she has not been in the habit of not answering lately.

I called when we left the circus, about 9:30, she did not answer. It was late so I asked her cousin to drive by her house to see if she was home. I knew she had a class that night till 8:30, it was the middle of the week so it seemed unlikely she would have gone out.

The only reason I was concerned was because she is my child's mother. If we did not have a child together I would not be calling her at all, nor worried about if she were ok or not.

I didnt think she was seeing anyone, I was just concerned she might have suffered harm on the way to her car. Turns out she went to a bar with a girlfriend to unwind, since she had missed the circus (which she had wanted to go to....at least she had said so).

We talked about it that night and all was resolved, or so I thought.

Tonight she went out to eat at Red Lobster with her Grandfather. He paid. She did not invite me, though she was happy to go to dinner with me the night before. She called me, upset because she lost her key to get in her house. On my only night off I had gone to get a beer. So I came in 10 minutes with my copy of her key which I had used to leave a single rose for both her and my daughter, a little chocolate and some cards. Nothing mushy, just humorous. I also put $50 in her card since she is over $300 in the negative on her bank account due to poor bugeting.

So I get there with the key and she tries it but can't get the door open. She says its the wrong key. I said I used it to get in earlier. She claims I have her other key ( the one I used to make this one) and tries to take a work key off my key ring. I tell her she is wrong, I don't have her old key, only my copy, which she tries again and it works. I leave it with her.

Then she is pissy about the valentines stuff I left for her and daughter. She says the famous 'we have to talk' about the other night when I was concerned for her well being.

I said ' No we don't!' and walk out of the house.

About 15 min. later I text " My only night off. Don't need drama. No harm intended."

Her response: ' Emma loved the Valentine's gifts. And I understand not wanting drama on a night off.'

My response: ' Thx. I really appreciate it."

Hers: ' Yeah...'

Mine: " I really hope that's not sarcasm"

But of course it is.

But why ? I am so sick of this evil twin coming out and ruining things.

[AJM]

Hey native, I'm surprised to see how much in common I see in your WAS behavior. My situation is a bit different - we're in the same house still.

But the evil twin, or as I refer to her, Sybill 1-10, behavior is soooooo familiar.

I am taking a similar approach too, although I'm coming at it slowly. My thoughts are similar - if you are ready to walk away, you no longer get beaten down and lose your own self-esteem. The risk is that you may not want to come back. Or in my case, you may not be willing to let her come back when she tries. I suspect you get that same feeling - i.e. do you really want her to come back sometimes. Especially when she won't even take care of herself AND beats you down as much as possible.

I think you have to be patient just like you are. I think you've proven that works. I think you'll need to let this slide off and wait a few days. I suspect that WAS will be different again. She will if you wait a few days.

I also think you may not want to give her any money. I think that reminds her of the incompetence of managing money and the rest of her life. The chocs and flowers were a good idea, but she, like my WAS may need to hit rock bottom. The only question you'll have to answer is whether or not you'll be there when she does. I think like me, you've already answered that question - you'll be there in some way.

Meanwhile, GAL. From your threads it looks like that works for you two.

I also appreciate seeing you have that success. I'm inspired and unfortunately for you, feel like we're going through similar when it comes to the way our WAS is acting.

Keep it up!

AJ

[MsMelancoly]

AJ makes some very good points, that I agree with. Unfortunately, when your W gets frustrated with her own current life & that it's not a bed of roses, she takes it out on you. Try not to take it too personal. Tomorrow is another day.

PS. Good to hear your D liked the gifts & that you made her day!

[native]

Guys....I am reluctant to say this, but I think she pushed me over the edge this time.

As much as I want my D to have a family, as much as I feel W is in a fog and making an unfortunate choice....I just feel like she took the wind out of me this time.

She blasted me on Valentines day for a string of imagined faults and misdeeds. Her unfounded accusation fest drove me to the point of loosing it. I walked away from her car cursing her for her stubborn wrongheadedness and hatefulness. I have no respect for her any longer. She does not deserve me. I am not a bad person. She is sick.

After this incident, I followed up with a few text messages, apologising for my loss of self control but not for my anger at her completely shitty way of dealing with me.

Eventually she called me and here is her confession:

Basically she acknowleded that she is behaving in this manner because she feels guilty about leaving the relationship and that she needs to 'own' her behavior instead of blaming me, but that she doesn't love me and wants to move on and date other people.

I really don't care anymore. I feel for the guy who gets involved with her. I think many other guys would have cheated on her within the first year. Few would have put up with the [censored] she dumped on me.

My one and only sorrow is my daughter. After listening to a christian radio broadcast where a teacher was talking about how they try to create an opportunity where their children can talk about anything, I gave my daughter that opportunity last night.

About 45 minutes after I made the offer that she could talk about anything she wanted to, she broached the whole issue of her mother and I. She wanted to know where she was gonna be.

Oh God...........my sweet little girl..........

I told her that her home was always and forever here with me,she could see mommy anytime she wanted, that I would always love her, her mommy would always love her, that I would always love her mom (in some way) and that God would take care of us and that we would be alright.

She said she like being with me because Mommy was crabby a lot.

God help me to protect this precious child. She is the apple of my eye......

[MsMelancoly]

Hey native, Sorry to hear about your bad day & that your W grew another head to spew sh*t at you. Not fun at all. We all reach our breaking point at one time or another. In the end you have to do what is best for yourself & your D. Maybe, it's time to go dark for awhile, except for D issues. And to work on detaching.

Good to hear you are making yourself a safe place for your D to talk & ask questions. It must be difficult for her as well.

Stay strong, be good to yourself & be a good father for your D. She probably needs you now more than ever.

[Kenn]

Hi Native,

I read your post about your daughter and wanted to give support. It is really tough when you see your children hurt. I know I will end up in a good place but it's really not fair for kids.

I have an eight year old daughter. I have been in this mess for about four months. In that time my daughter who I have about 12 days a month has;

-asked 4 times why she can't live with me and just have mom visit?
- said mom is no fun and won't do any fun things with me
- said all mom does is talk on the phone and won't play games with me

and the kicker is she won't go anywhere in my new place or her mom's (our old house) without someone with her. so I am standing in the bathroom while she brushes her teeth and looking in the mirror. I joke with her that I am losing more hair than normal. She tells me that on TV they were selling medicine to grow hair (LOL)and I should get some because ladies don't like bald guys. I told her I'll be okay and asked why is she worried about that? Her response was beacuse I want you to meet someone because I want a mommy and a family again in our house. (daggers in the heart!!!!)

The sad part is the next day wife and I have a talk which she turns into a realtionship talk and I tell heer she can blame me all she wants but now that I am out of the way she better not start to resent her daughter and she can be better. I tell her the whole story and her response? Our daughter is playing up this divorce for attention and needs to toughen up. WOW! Don't believe anything your hear right but that was the toughest thing said in our whole 4 month ordeal.

She has never been the most nurturing mom (very self centered and selfish) but she always adored our daughter. she has left this world on the crazy train. Sorry but it was impossilbe to validate that LOL

So native, not to vent on your thread, I want to give you support! So many dads out there adore and protect their kids. It's heartbreaking to listen to your child as they struggle to understand somehting that we can hardly grasp. You have my support and sounds like you are doing a bang up job!!!!

[native]

Thanks Msm, Kenn !! You know, it is hard to find people apart from this community who understand what we are struggling with.

Kenn, I don't mind if you vent at all. I call it empathising and being transparent. It helps to know others share the same struggles, but I am sorry for you and your D.

Msm, I'm going dark no doubt. So so so weird. She was really acting normal in a good way for past month and one half. I felt her getting closer. Then this crap.

Yeah, detach. And maybe date too.

Valentine's day must affect Was's who might have been thinking of reuniting. I imagine other people had similar experiences across this board.

I give my W kudos for 'owning' her behavior, but she still stinks. I think she needs some 'exorcise.'

How can you treat anyone the way she did me ? Especially me of all people ? I don't get it. I am beginning to wonder if she has some sort of disorder or something.

Kenn, aren't daughters just the greatest ? I grew up with brothers, but man, my girl is special. I had to be both father and mother to her for most of her life. Her mom has been more involved since she left the house. Emma said the other day when we were concerned about the whereabouts of her mom:

" Ohhhh, it would just be perfect if momma lived here and you were together !"

I sat down, pulled her close to me and told her how I felt the same way (minus the crazyness) and momma had to make up her own mind. That I knew she missed her and I did to. That we would pray for her.

That woman doesn't have any clue how I have covered for her but her stupid behavior is of such a magnitude that it does not go completely unnoticed, even by a 6yo.

[AJM]

I feel for you native. I don't think you should believe her. Nor do I think it's time to date. For either of you. My thought is that once you start dating, that's the last sign before leaving the tracks for good. Biblically, you should not while married. Unless I missed the divorce? You owe it to yourself and your relationship with God but I do understand your anger and resentment and hurt. I've had similar thoughts.

Kenn. That statement was similar to what my WAS said to about my kids. It's BS. I do NOT think it a good idea for you to defend your wife with your daughter. You should commit to not saying bad things about her, but you need to let your kids vent about her. To her. They should be allowed to tell her what they think because otherwise you're teaching them bad habits about handling feelings and because you're building a teapot of repressed emotions.

Let her vent. Your W will listen. It's up to her to figure out what it means to her. You can't take that ride for her or your kids. The kids will do better if they can let that anger out where it belongs in my opinion.

Give it some time and space. Going dark wouldn't hurt for a little while. Then, when you feel like it, contact her again. Until then, let it soak.

AJ