Hi PM, I went through something so similar with my W when things fell apart. My father was her biggest fan - and he just went over the top trying to find ways to fix our situation by pointing things in me that he hoped I could change (most of the things he thought needed change in me were things I had hope he would change about himself over the years...at least until I just accepted him).
As hard as it is, it's all part of the process though - and now my father is firmly behind my decisions - and while he still feels some sadness over the demise of my second marriage, he can't help but notice that I am doing better - and that I have come through a terrible time in my life (well, so far) with a lot of strength - and a determination not to be consumed by it.
It's hard to act "as if" around family sometimes - but it does make a big difference in terms of getting them to support us with positive energy - rather than trying to rescue us from dealing with emotions and issues that we really must tackle, sooner or later, and in one way or another. In my case, my family just kept asking me questions about how things fell apart...and underlying those questions was the assumption that things would have been different if I had done something different - that's not my family's fault - that's their love - but it does underscore the fact that outside of this process (and away from this board) a lot of people just don't understand that idea of letting someone go as an act of love - and that letting go also means that we accept their choices as their own - their decisions as their own - and we stop trying to take on so much responsibility for the actions (and even the crisis) of someone we love.
It's wonderful to hear so much strength in your words. Enjoy the weekend.
Hi PM, does your H know why you are not speaking to him? Or do you talk sometimes? When I gave my H the Plan B letter I told him I was detaching from him because I was starting to hate him and wanted to preserve what love I still had left for him.
Not a DB principle but the Plan B is basically a road map home with boundaries if things turn to dust with the OW.
You are doing great in spite of everything. Enjoy your family. I miss mine so much. My dad died 12 years ago on Father's Day. I still miss him everyday. He was the father we should all have in our lives.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Carlos, I will think about your words. It's really hard to take his decisions at face value because he is in a 'fog' so I tell myself that he is not acting himself. So what I need to decide is, if it's worth it to wait out till he comes to his senses and realize what his original values were or has he changed to the point of no return. I have been and continue to do work on myself. I have to face my demons and my shortcomings. I have very strong values so luckily I am centered. But no so my H. He is drifting, I can tell so eventhough my heart loves him, I don't want to get to the point where I hate him and resent him for wasting my time, waiting around for him to turn himself around.
Hope, I have been detaching a lot for the last eight months, not calling him up at all and just letting him come around on weekends. But last week, because I was worrying about S and his separation anxiety, I e-mailed H a couple of times. I didn't hear from him at all. Then the night before I left I called H up and just said plainly, 'I need to know that S will be taken care of. I have not heard from you, don't know if you are mad at me or not.' H said that the e-mails did not warrant a reply so did not contact me, that he was not angry at me and will be there for S. So I guess H e-mailed me yesterday because he wanted to reassure me that S was OK, eventhough I have called S personally and spoke to him every day. Hope, I am thinking about Plan B. I am not mentally there yet. You see, when I gamble I like to win ( I don't like to gamble at all really because I hate losing). So I don't bet on a loser. I know if I gave an ultimatum now I would lose. I want to give it at the time when I might get a 'perhaps we can revisit this'. That is the right now. So I need to have more patience and bide my time.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Keep up your good thoughts and positive direction. I totally agree with you about the LRT. You really have to be at that point to implement it, if you try to implement and then back off of it, you're doomed.
I know the waiting and wondering are difficult, been there. But please know that whatever happens w/your husband, your life will still be wonderful and amazing. Keep your focus on you and your children. You, and only you, will know when you're ready for what comes next.
When I gave my H the Plan B letter I told him I was detaching from him because I was starting to hate him and wanted to preserve what love I still had left for him.
Not a DB principle but the Plan B is basically a road map home with boundaries if things turn to dust with the OW.
Actually, I think Plan B sounds kind of like LRT which is a DB principle and going NC exactly for the reasons you describe. Preserving the love you feel, plus stopping the pursuit of the WAS so they stop running away from you.
Happy Valentine's Day, PM!!! Hope you're having a good one. I'll be fine when it's over though!!! Karen
Thanks for the Valentine's wishes Stacy and Karen. I spent it with my family and that's the best. We didn't celebrate or anything, just had dinner at home. I don't need excitment all the time, my happiest moments are spending it with my family.
Doing lot of thinking while I am here, though. Trying to figure out if I should move back home here with my family where the kids can grow up with their grandparents and my brother, his wife and their cousins. Maybe this would be part of my Plan B. Early during discovery of A, I threatened H that I would move home. But now I am really considering it. It's so calm here, we could have lots of family time. We are not constantly waiting for H to show up to see the kids every weekend. A lot less stress for us and for H. But you see, if we move then I know H would just totally disappear into his fantasyland world and never return. I know he won't come to pursue us so I need to make sure this is what I want for what it is and not to manipulate him. That's why I have taken the time to carefully think this through.
Well, I haven't decided but it's on my mind, I think the kids and I could have a happy life here.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Hi PM, left you some more info on my sitch about Plan B. I will look for some info on the other site about Plan B. Your right this stuff is scary. Karen your right it is Last Resort Technique with boundaries. take care. Know this VD day is tough for all of us. and hope it is a VD event for our wayward spouses. a joke
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
This thread is about to close up soon. I will be opening up a new one called PM Thread #4. See you all there.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
