There is truth in me stepping it up. The thing is that we have been living in all this doom and gloom for so long that after running around like a maniac trying to convince her that I can be super-husband, I eventually burn-out. Plus it seems like I can do 200 things right and the first thing I do wrong makes all the previous rights null and void. However, the real truth is that I need to make the changes for me and not to impress her. When she says the D word I panic and try to overcome the current situation. I need to really work on making those changes to be a better person all around not to make her call off the D. However, by living here, things are so gloomy all the time that I become obsessed with everything that is said and done on either end. I start analyzing and most of the time I can build up things that probably weren't that big to begin with.
This morning she left to go do some errands. I started cleaning up the house. The kids came home and my mom brought her birthday present with her (she hasn't seen her since her birthday on the 2nd). I gave my wife the present when she came home. I told her that my mom brought it not realizing she wasn't home. It's still sitting wrapped on the counter as we speak. She sat down and started watching television and eating her lunch. The kids were all over her. She eventually flipped out and said she doesn't know why she even tries to relax. She started cleaning the rest of the house. Other than "Do you know where the paper towels are?" I haven't spoken to her about anything.
So I finished cleaning up the house and she's upstairs doing something. I know that she's going to say that I was just cleaning because of Thursday. But I can't not do it because that would confirm her. I really do want to change permanently. I don't want to be so distant. I want to be more involved in the day to day. However, it seems impossible to do in this environment. If I could just reach the point of getting her to back off of the divorce and agree to separate, I could refocus and work on my goals. But right now I'm so skittish and gunshy that I have hard time concentrating on anything else.
