WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 2

[MrBond]

CIPA,
It's not confusing at all. Everything you did wrong is right in your post. I kept seeing the word 'I' and 'We' from you. There IS NO 'I' or 'WE' right now. Look at your examples of how you're showing your neediness and your need to control the situation:

She was wearing a sweater today that made her body look really good

I said its important to talk.

she didn't feel like celebrating Vday. I tried to explain how I wasn't trying to celebrate anything but got her flowers because I knew she liked them and candy because I know she liked chocolate and a funny card to make her laugh.

And so on.

Don't you get it? Everything you're doing is pissing her off! You've got to stop. I'm sorry for being so harsh, but it's like watching an accident that's going to happen.

You say the longer this goes on, she'll be more cemented in the divorce, well, let me tell you...she's checked out long ago. Right now she's just going through the motions of dealing with your actions.

She feels like she has no control over what she's doing but are just doing things to appease you. When I mentioned the word "validating" I was referring to the DB definition which is essentially agreeing with the negatives our WAWs are expressing and leave it at that. It doesn't mean you start debating them on each point.

Like the talking part. She doesn't need to talk to you if she doesn't want to. Maybe she did in the past, but she doesn't want to anymore. Leave her alone and give her space.

Even for her birthday, you should have told her that she should just go ahead and have fun with her friends period. Instead you had to say "I told her that I appreciated her inviting me and would love to go but if she really didn't want me there I would understand. " There it is..."would love to go". You just made her feel guilty.

To her that means ... well I'll be a bitch if I didn't say he should come because he says that he would "love to go". It's what she was trying to explain to you about the getting cut analogy. She doesn't want you to just see the superficial, you have to see what caused it.

I know we men aren't geared that way, but that's what our LBSs expect. And if you still plan to try and save this M, I suggest you do a 180 on EVERYTHING you're doing.

[MrBond]

CIPA,
It's not confusing at all. Everything you did wrong is right in your post. I kept seeing the word 'I' and 'We' from you. There IS NO 'I' or 'WE' right now. Look at your examples of how you're showing your neediness and your need to control the situation:

She was wearing a sweater today that made her body look really good

I said its important to talk.

she didn't feel like celebrating Vday. I tried to explain how I wasn't trying to celebrate anything but got her flowers because I knew she liked them and candy because I know she liked chocolate and a funny card to make her laugh.

And so on.

Don't you get it? Everything you're doing is pissing her off! You've got to stop. I'm sorry for being so harsh, but it's like watching an accident that's going to happen.

You say the longer this goes on, she'll be more cemented in the divorce, well, let me tell you...she's checked out long ago. Right now she's just going through the motions of dealing with your actions.

She feels like she has no control over what she's doing but are just doing things to appease you. When I mentioned the word "validating" I was referring to the DB definition which is essentially agreeing with the negatives our WAWs are expressing and leave it at that. It doesn't mean you start debating them on each point.

Like the talking part. She doesn't need to talk to you if she doesn't want to. Maybe she did in the past, but she doesn't want to anymore. Leave her alone and give her space.

Even for her birthday, you should have told her that she should just go ahead and have fun with her friends period. Instead you had to say "I told her that I appreciated her inviting me and would love to go but if she really didn't want me there I would understand. " There it is..."would love to go". You just made her feel guilty.

To her that means ... well I'll be a bitch if I didn't say he should come because he says that he would "love to go". It's what she was trying to explain to you about the getting cut analogy. She doesn't want you to just see the superficial, you have to see what caused it.

I know we men aren't geared that way, but that's what our LBSs expect. And if you still plan to try and save this M, I suggest you do a 180 on EVERYTHING you're doing.

[confusedinpa]

Stuck,

You are absolutely right. We talked this morning and I appologized for pissing her off last nite. She talked about my comment of the facebook comment and how ridiculous it was. I acknowledged and validated. She then started about the emotional abuse she felt she suffered over the years. I acknowledged and validated.

We talked about what it means to try. She thinks she's trying now. I acknowledged and validated. She talked about what is making her uncomfortable now. I acknowledged and validated

It didn't feel good to me but she seemed a little better.

We shall see

[working on me]

Hi, I am new here and I read your last post. I am going through a near identical situation right now. I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but I just wanted to let you know that I respect your loving efforts to keep your family together. I have only known that my wife wants me out of the house for two weeks now. So I feel your pain. I guess we just need to be the best fathers we can and stay the course of being true to what we believe in,...our family.

[confusedinpa]

It is so hard to find hope. Especially on Vday

I'm sad but know I need to stay positive

My wife is at least going through the motions so she's not shutting me out completely. So that leaves me some hope. I know I hurt her really bad

I'm at the monster truck show with my kids

Its hard to stay positive as I didn't even get a hug or kiss goodbye. She gave me the 5 languages of love book for Vday but there was no happy vday or hug or kiss. I know I'm being selfish

I feel she didn't give me a chance as now she's saying she made her decision back in Sept. She said she told me 3 times before she filed. I don't recall. She said she knows it went right through me. Does seem to make a difference though

[Dudess]

Confused, you mentioned emotional abuse in your marriage. Have you read "Love without Hurt" by Steven Stosny? It's a great book with a program for changing those dynamics in a marriage. There is a section for wives and a "bootcamp" for men. I have found it very helpful and my H is doing the work now.

I wouldn't recommend that you try to get her to read it, but if she sees that you are reading it, she might become interested. The exercises for wives have helped me identify and heal the hurt I have felt in the marriage.

Just keep getting back on track when you fumble.

[confusedinpa]

Thanks for the encouragement and book recomendation. I will pick it up this weekend. I'm tempted to ask her to talk more about the emotional abuse so I can understand more of what I did that made her feel that way. What do you think?

[Dudess]

I'm tempted to ask her to talk more about the emotional abuse so I can understand more of what I did that made her feel that way. What do you think?

I don't think that's a good idea right now. She seems to be bringing it up without you asking. It is a good sign that she feels like she can do that. Just keep listening when she raises it without raising it yourself.

You don't want her to feel pushed or pressured into talking. Also, she already has plenty of hurts that will come to mind. If you ask for more, that may increase her already narrow focus on what was "wrong" and possibly even lead her to search her memory banks for more.

If you simply let her talk when she wants to, hopefully you guys will string together more positive moments in between talks about the past. You don't want to make the relationship all about dealing with the bad stuff. Unless it seems important to her that you use the "a" word (abuse"), I would steer clear of it.

Do you know if she read any books about emotional abuse? If so, you might want to read the same ones. It could give you a sense of where she's coming from.

[confusedinpa]

It was a odd nite

She made a wonderful dinner for us for Vday and she even poured champagne. It was very nice dinner and I made sure she knew how much I appreciated it

We chatted a little after dinner

Then after the kids went to bed she was in full WAW mode. She said this was the part of Vday she was dreading - the time of nite we usually spent just for us since she dropped the divorce bomb on Jan 9th

I asked her if she wanted to talk. She said that's what she dreaded. So I said that it seems like she wants space so I went to the living room (she was in the family room) to read the 5 Languages of Love book she got me for Vday

I heard her head upstairs so I went back to the family room so I can listen to music while reading. She closed the bedroom door so it was just slightly ajar without saying a word

I want to be sad, I am a little, but in my heart I know the right thing is to give her the space she needs right now

I pissed her off last nite. I vow not to do it again. This Vday is hard on me but I know it is hard on her. I need to be strong

[confusedinpa]

On that that got me really sad tonite was that during dinner, she played on her ipod the "Buy me a rose" song.

She reminded me that she had given me a card last year with the lyrics written in it:

He works hard to give her all he thinks she wants
But it tears her apart ‘cause nothing’s for her heart
He pulls in late to wake her up with a kiss goodnight
If he could only read her mind, she’d say…
Buy me a rose, call me from work
Open a door for me, what would it hurt
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things I need the most in my life
Now the days have grown to years of feelin’ all alone
As she sits and wonders if all she’s doin’ is wrong
‘Cause lately she’d try anything just to turn his head
Would it make a difference if she said, if she said…
And the more that he lives the less that he tries
To show her the love that he holds inside
And the more that she gives the more that he sees
This is the story of you…and me
So I bought you a rose on the way home from work
To open the door to a heart that I hurt
And I hope you notice this look in my eyes
‘Cause I’m gonna make things right for the rest of your life
And I’m gonna hold you tonight, tonight
Do all those little things for the rest of your life

I remember reading it and didn't really get it.

When I heard the song tonite, all I could do was to caress her back slightly and appologize. I see I missed a very clear cry for attention and love. I knew I was thick and stupid about this stuff. Now I really know just how dumb I was.

I know I can't beat myself up with this but it does hurt.

She tried so hard but I didn't give her a chance to success.

Now it feels the roles are reversed. I'm trying so hard now (even with numerous backslides), but I don't feel like she's giving me a chance. I guess its true what the say about payback.....

I must remember that she tried for years, I'm just getting back week 5. I must be strong.

I know I am giving her the best VDay present right now by giving her the space she needs. I must remind myself that I'm not doing it for recognition or thanks but that I am doing it for the woman I love.