WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 2

[confusedinpa]

I know this is a long one so I appreciate your patience in reading it.

It was a nite of abrupt shifts. I guess that's starting to be the status quo

Originally she said that she would need to work late to finish some reports but then she called at 4:30 to say people didn't submit data to her so there wasn't anything to finish. So she said we could go out like we normally do as a family on Fri nites.

We wound up going out and had a nice dinner but the kids were wound up from too much sugar from their school VDay party. She was wearing a sweater today that made her body look really good, especially when she sat back in her chair, so I complimented her on that. It seemed like it made her uncomfortable so she hunched back over. Strike 1

When we had gotten home, she saw the flowers and candy I got her for Vday. She said thank you and gave me a hug but I could tell she was irked by them. I know its pursuing but I felt like I had no right answer for this. I knew if I did nothing, she would think I was ignoring her. So I did the "norm" of what I did every year. I got a funny card that joked about some of the behaviors that annoyed her in the past.

When I saw that she wasn't happy about the flowers, we talked about it after the kids went to bed. I appologized by acknowledging that she had said Thurs nite she didn't feel like celebrating Vday. I tried to explain how I wasn't trying to celebrate anything but got her flowers because I knew she liked them and candy because I know she liked chocolate and a funny card to make her laugh. She said she liked the smell of the flowers but she says that I get the same brand of chocolate every year and she hates that brand. Strike 2

Then we were back on the internet where she was showing funny pictures and videos her friends posted on her facebook page. Then I noticed a post on her wall from a guy that said just name the time and place. I asked who he was and she was irked. She clicked through to show how he was married with 2 kids and she then was offended that I would think she would be "interested" in a guy that looked like that. I said in the past I wouldn't have said anything and just became more withdrawn but didn't want to do that

She then went on how riduculous it would have been if it was as the post was on the wall that all her friends (including me) could see. Strike 3.

Not one to give up, when were done on the internet, we sat down on the sofa and we started talking. She then vented on a few more issues which had made her mad/angry/hurt/alone to the point where she filed for divorce.

I tried to validate but it didn't seem to go as well as last nite.

We wound up talking about how she felt like she has no one to talk to. She feels there were 2 friends she confides in. One is divorced and she is very anti divorce (Yeah!). Ironically that was the one I told her I didn't like her hanging out with last year (because of my wrong misconceptions). The second one is happily married that said she will support her whatever happens.

I told her I would love to have her talk to me whenever she's comfortable but I know that's awkward for her. I said its important to talk. I then told her how I talk to one friend, who talked about how work stress negatively affect her marriage. I acknowledged how my wife has expressed frustration with her job but I didn't listen. I had vented about my job in the past so she knows about that. I went on to tell her how they both changed jobs over the past year and it really helped their marriage.

My wife got perturbed as to who this person was and why I felt I could talk to her. I explained she has also been married for 9.5 years and suffered for post partum with her 1.5 year old. She then went into how did I have time to talk to her and how often. She vented about how would I react if she was talking to a guy about her problems. Strike 4

It got late so we went to bed. As soon as she laid down, she complained about how full her stomach was. We still talked some more though. She started by saying another reason tomorrow is hard (besides Vday) is that she said 2 years ago when I went with my kids and her married friends husband to the monster truck show, she had a disturbing conversation with her friend. She was venting her frustration when her friend asked if what she would do if it wasn't for the kids. She said she immediately said leave. So tomorrow's monster truck show is another reminder of that Strike 5

She then went on about how I never appologized for the emotional hurts I did. I tried to validate that as well. It didn't go very well

She then went on about how disturbing is that I changed so quickly. When she tells her divorced friend, she says that's so nice and great. But my wife says she's so unsure of it as it was so sudden and abrubt so she's skeptical. However her divorced friend tells her how frustrating it is for her to see how well her ex-husband treats his girlfriend now that he gets it,

I tried to validate and told her I'm doing this for me as I know we can't work on the relationship together if I don't work on me first.

Then we got onto the topic of happy hour for her Bday. I told her that I appreciated her inviting me and would love to go but if she really didn't want me there I would understand.

She started with saying she felt that if I was there for a little at least I would know that it wasn't anything that I need to get upset about (I always thought when she went there was another motive - other than to destress). I told her it was her Bday so she should do what she wants. I would love to spend it with her, either just the 2 of us or as a family.

Then we started talking about hugs/touching. She said she's really uncomfortable when I touch her in bed as what the bed represents. I didn't say much to that.

Anyway, she got up because her stomach was hurting too much (she thinks from food) and is back in the family.

Sigh

very confusing

I'm really losing hope as I don't see how this is helping or working. I'm afraid the longer this goes on, the more cemented she will be in the divorce. Why didn't I get it before she filed!?!? I know she's frustrated with that as well.