The Unfaithful Wife - That's Still Me #3

[K4D]

(((Mel)))

Does this mean you are leaving the forum? I hate to see your M come to an end. Are you sure he is going to file? Is there really nothing left in you to try and hold out? I mean I know you have to do what you have to do.

I know its not an easy place to be in. But what is 6 more months to see if yall can get things going again in the course of a lifetime?

Your marriage is special. Its just at a very rough point right now. And it will take some time to get back to where it needs to be. DB. Ya gotta keep the efforts up and keep the faith.

Ok, I know that is my 2x4 to ya. I just hate to see a marriage finally end. I don't want mine to end and I don't want to see others end either. Take faith in Jesus. He can help you. God can fix this.

Its just not necessarily in our own time. I know its tough to be strong and patient. Believe me I know. But I know you can do it.

I'm just trying to be encouraging and get your family back together.

I say this with a whole lot of care for yall. Don't despair. Definitely move on with your life by DBing and doing what you need to. Prepare for the worst and pray for the best. Pray for strength.

I have faith in you.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

Well, we ended up talking about R again. I swear.

It comes down to that he doesn't think he can ever trust me again. It comes down to that when he looks at me, that's all he can think of. He is disenchanted with the idea of marriage in general. Because there have been two As and he feels like no matter what I should have made better choices. And he's right. But I can't change that. I can change the future. But he just doesn't want to be married to anyone ever again basically.

I'm at the end. He finally said he was going to start working on the paperwork. I don't know if he will or not. (My emphasis added).

Melissa

All you know is what he said today. It differs from what he expressed last week and the month before. All you "have to do" is seek legal advice to know your rights and make sure NM treats military retirement the way we both hope it does. I am not up to date on that but back in the 90's SOME states did NOT count it as a definite, so that's a huge issue. If it is as I hope/think, then you benefit by taking your sweet time as your % of retirement goes up the longer the M...so, you can "invest" in patience and an IRA....

and let him maybe get around to filing or maybe not...Let him assume responsibility for filing, why should YOU? Assuming you know your legal rights, and you aren't doing anyting financially stupid by sticking around then why rush it? You can certainly "decide emotionally you are done" so as to protect your heart, and do nothing legally until it behooves you in your purse....and my L told me a third of the divorces she files, never quite get done....for whatever reason, they don't actually go thru with it. Maybe they don't care to make it official but at least some of them changed their minds after the papers were filed. AND I told you that 2 relatives of mine got divorces and remarried YEARS later my friend. That is how long it took for them to "get it" and work it thru and forgive, and learn whatever crap they needed to learn, etc.

But they both said the 2nd time around was better...
Your h needs time to trust you again and not nearly enough time has passed my friend. Honestly. If h had had 2 affairs, and IF I even considered taking him back which I am afraid I might not, although I think learning of them at the same time was better than getting thru one, forgiving and it happened again. Sounds more like a small series of the same destructive behavior and kind of a "crime spree" rather than two separate, well thought out "crimes" for lack of a better metaphor.

I'm tired, but will post more later.

Mel, I am on facebook and will try to find your group. Your facebook name is your first name ? and in that place so I'll see what I can see....MODERATORS--
I don't know how to say this without breaking the rule that I have not read, anywhere. But when I returned to the posts a few months ago, after a hiatus, someone told me we can't post phone numbers or emails and that part, I get.
In the past, some people "hooked up" and it didn't go well either b/c one of them stalked the other (this is 3rd or 6th hand info, btw) or they "HOOKED UP" and since this is pro=staying m, it doesn't look so great if we come here to support M's and end up NOT doing that b/c we found someone here!! I did hear from semi-reliable sources that a couple who had been LBSers ended up marrying, rather happily I'm told. That must have presented a dilemma. I thank GOD for the men I meet here, b/c without them, I'd have a much lower opinion of guys.

So some of this is why the emails were not allowed to be posted. MODERATORS____ NOTE THIS PLEASE....I really understand the deal with the emails not getting posted b/c in this case here at hand, I want to touch base by email or phone with Mel and only her. We're not gay (yet!! kiDDING!!)

If I post my email here, I cannot control who else gets it and that is NOT something I want to do. So I accept completely your position on this. But what if I could directly and privately mail her a message, or even thru YOU, and YOU can screen it, then she can decide if she wants to be in touch privately,?? etc. Also There are topics I'm more comfortable sharing with a woman but don't want everyone here knowing it, yet maybe someone uniquely similar to my sitch could help. There are AA members here, SSMs, and co-dependents, etc. so it'd be nice to have this.

MODERATORS/// IF this is not possible I could really use an explanation. I know you have reasons for what you do, but it'd help me to know them. Just explain and I promise to shut up about it....fair enough?? Do you moderators have any suggestions for how we can keep in touch with the friends we make here, outside the DB board? I feel so close to some of the people here, it's true that they've helped me more than many in my "real life"...

Okay Mel, I need some sleep. I have to post my own dang thread asap too. So dont' disappear b/c hello? I need your advice too buddy, this friendship things' a two way street....you narcissist you...

(plus I'll need the "self defense for slum teacher's" seminar you should be giving me...)

( j )

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Mel,

No advice for you (for once in my life!), but just wanted to stop by and offer my support, and my prayers for your marriage and your decision-making in the days and weeks ahead.

I admire your efforts, and the way -- despite everything YOU'VE had going on -- you've reached out to others.

Hugs,

Puppy

[Mellenmack]

Thanks, J.

J, that FB group is small. You can see the water tower.
Like you, I never wanted to put my email on here either. It's just not gonna happen. Of course I will come by and check on you! So you need a self defense for slum teachers...let's see...
Rule#1. don't work there to begin with?
I'll work on the rest!

Puppy, thank you for the kind words.

Melissa



Melissa

[rustie]

I guess I've been a long time away from the boards J. I did not know that emails (etc..) could not be posted here.

People set up accounts every day .. that is not necessarily under their real names on the fb site. I am part of a shopping network and set up a fb page under my user name on that shopping network.


rustie

[rustie]

(((Melissa)))

You've got to do what you've got to do. .. And you can only do what YOU can do.

If you decide not to continue coming here, I'm sure that is understandable.

I think you have the right idea about proceeding on with your life .. in the manner that you describe.

Myself and all of your DB buddies will miss you.

Take care,
rustie

[breakaway]

25, you should join fb. my hometown, uvalde, tx has a group on there that anyone can join. it's amazing what all is on there!

I've needed breaks too...it gets overwhelming and sometimes the best thing is to go do something else.

Okay..uvalde texas...OMG!!! Matt McConaughey-hey-hey is from there????????? Yum. So I might join that group. lol Could you give one more hint about the 10 uvalde groups?.

[SRTTF]

I hate that we are all in the same stitch and NONE of us can get on the same damn boat. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. And I am convinced Murphy was a single mother, too. Wish it was Murphy Brown, though!!

It comes down to this. It makes me feel a ton better to think of us as working towards something and everything I am doing (or not doing) as not pointless. I can take care of the things I need to if I look at it like this. I can take care of me. I can not focus on Obtrusive Wench (OW, knew I'd come up with something.). I have more hope than I did yesterday. He may not come back. And that's okay, too. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. He hasn't filed for D. He hasn't worked on the papers. He's not doing anything to help the stitch, except by NOT doing anything. And maybe, for now, it's okay. I can live in a bubble for a little while. Not permanently, but for awhile.

I think you summed it up for me Mel. I'm on FB, we should hook up. Love the new abbr for OW.

Hang in there my dear

[Sara]

Smartcookie and sunshine know where to find everyone. You could search for them.

[Mellenmack]

Well, I made it 24 hours. At least 24 hours without posting here to my own thread. I did not spend near as much time on here as I have been. Just a quick rundown.

Friday night. Went to class. Went as saw H at work after class. Just hung out. No R talk. Stayed for 1.5 or 2 hours. I left. Cried all the way home and to sleep. Woke up in the middle of the night, which I haven't in a long time. Mind was spinning. Saturday got up and went to class. Saw OW at the place where we all eat lunch. Of course she didn't acknowledge me. But she didn't stay and eat there either. So that was nice. You know, it's just one of those things that can help MAKE YOUR DAY. :P Shush.

Saturday night. Cried myself to sleep that night too. Anyone seeing a pattern here? He did text me on his own volition Saturday and kept it up for awhile, but then it finally stopped. I would text something that did not need a reply but he would reply anyway. So I dunno. Got down on my knees and prayed Saturday night. Haven't done that in a very long time. Have prayed, yes. On my knees, by the bed, not since I was five.

Today (Sunday) went to class early. Told Prof the whole deal. He said I have a good heart. He is clergy, too. I appreciated him saying I have a good heart. I realized that I am NOT that kind of person. I loved my husband dearly. I still do. But. It didn't always get given back, and then I didn't have any to give back to him. So I realized that two affairs does not a person make. They don't define me. They don't say anything about who I am. Just like his drinking doesn't define him. Does that make sense? Just to an extent? There are so many things that make up an individual. How is it possible to lump them all in one pile?

So here I am tonight. Not crying! Realizing (hopefully) that I have to let go and let God. I have faith...or I should have faith...or I need to have faith...that God's will will be done. Maybe I need to get out of the friggin way and let him do it. I have faith that His way will be the right way, even if it's not what I want. That where I am is where I'm supposed to be. There's a reason. There better be a reason!!

Anyway. Ya'll can laugh about this tonight. H called to drop off D4 at 4:45 or so. I was at movies by myself watching "He's Just Not That Into You," so I didn't text him back until 5:20. Then I told him I would be home in an hour and he could drop her off then. At my convenience. lmao, but I had a few errands I wanted to run. So now here it is 7:55 and he hasn't brought her by yet. So now he's just trying to be snotty I guess. That he'll drop her off when it's convenient for him. I know, I should go take and hour long bath...not answer the door...but I won't. I'll be nice. Knew ya'll would get a laugh out of that.

Puppy, I understand you're not having any advice. I appreciate your words. Just wonder what your impression is of H's feelings. Do you think if he wanted the D, he'd have already gotten it, or do you think he's just putting it off for whatever reason, still trying to work through stuff? You are a man on that side of the fence.

Breakaway. It's the one with the water tower. I'm the only Melissa there!

Will check back in tomorrow night and NOT BEFORE. New rule. Gotta find normal stuff to do.

Melissa