H has officially filed. Please help me!!!!!

[MomInPain]

Well in my last thread I posted that H has filed.

I've done my 180's, been trying to have a PMA.

I'm doing everything possible and trying to follow the book.

on May 22, we go in front of the Judge. If there are no changes we will be done.

I am going to see an A next week to go over what H has put in the papers, he filed pro se.

He's covered everything, btw we are in Washington. Parenting plan spouse maint, and cs.

I signed just to show that I want to respect his wishes but I was first to speak up and tell him that although I am signing, this is in no way what I want for our marriage.

I spoken my piece, told him I love him and want him to be happy. He is just done and doesn't want to be married.

I fear there is no hope. I'm making all my changes, I've taken all of his complaints and changed them, Not just for him but for myself and my kids. I've taken ownership for my part in the fall out of our marriage. He takes nothing and will not try and work things out.

I still love him,
I still adore him,
I miss him,

Please help me!

[MomInPain]

[spellfire]

I read your post, but the thing that threw me was the "please help me" at the end. Since you are already DBing, I don't really know what to advise. Has he noticed any of your changes at all?

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, MIP.

I'm so sorry you are hurting and going through this. I know that the pain is excruciating! And nothing anyone can say will take it away. Because it is a process we all must go through. We are human, and unfortunately, we don't come with a switch to turn off our emotions.

I could tell you that it will pass......and it's true that it will......but unfortunately that doesn't really help what you are feeling right now, I know. So, I will just tell you that I know how you feel because I have been there (and still go there on occaision).

Try to remember that each day is a new day, and you don't know the future. Spending your time and emotional currency lamenting about the past, or fearing the future, is pointless. When you find yourself doing these things, pull your thoughts back to the present and stay there as best you can. You don't have to live your whole life today!!

Remember that D papers are just papers. They neither truly make nor break the M. That is only done mentally and emotionally between you and your H. Your H may very well not come back. But, then he very well may!! I've read that 17% of divorced couples re-marry the same spouse.

It may be that one day your H will come home and you will suddenly realize that you don't want him anymore......and maybe he'll have to fight to try and win back your love.....and maybe he won't be successful because you will have moved on.

My whole point is that your really don't know the future!! I know that you know all the right answers. That you are not the first and certainly not the last to go through this. You know that you will survive. But, I know that there's a big difference between knowing and believing!! And that difference only comes with time!

So, try to be kind to yourself. Just take one step at a time, and become your own best friend! Learn everything you can about you, and try to find things that you enjoy, and do them. Let yourself feel the pain. I sometimes go into my room and wrap myself up in my "blanky" and hug my teddy bear (his name is Hero) and just cry. It sounds a bit crazy I guess, but it's cathartic.

Take care of yourself, (((((MIP)))))!!!

And if you need to, feel free to e-mail me through the alt.

[MomInPain]

Mike,

Thanks for the reply. If he has noticed any of my changes he
isn't saying or showing it. He's hell bent on D.

All the times that I gently nudged him so he would know that
I still love him and I am trying to respect his need for space, he
lashed back with pulling away even harder. So I haven't pushed or
talked R or anything.

If you read my 1st thread you will see that he did notice my changes quite soon after he left. Then he just turned cold. Hasn't said a nice thing to me since.

I'm at a loss, could be that he's just to far gone. ?? IDK

[Silent Chrleader]

....he did notice my changes quite soon after he left. Then he just turned cold. Hasn't said a nice thing to me since.

I'm at a loss, could be that he's just to far gone. ?? IDK

I think it's more likely that he just got scared so he scurried back into his hole.

-Scared of the "good" feeling he had for you, but not trusting it.
-Scared of history repeating itself
-Scared of facing the fact that he may be making a mistake
-Scared of facing the guilt for tearing apart his family.
-Scared of letting go of his newfound "freedom" after going through such pain to get it.....
-Scared that your changes are just an effort to get him back, and they won't last if he comes home.

This happened with my H too. In August thru October of last year, we were sort of "dating".....or rather "friends with benefits". And then several, and then his high school reunion was was not as "cathartic" as he hoped it would be, and his sister died, and the secret of his PA came out. And he ran for cover. He peeked out a little in early December mostly because of guilt and duty, but I was still too emotional over everything, and he was so tight and closed off, so we couldn't sustain it. And he high tailed back to his hole and hasn't come out since.....

Pleast take care of YOU and your kids, MIP!! Patience and kindness to yourself is the key!

[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

[MomInPain]

TJ,
We must have posted at the same time.

Thanks for the hugs, I need as many of those as I can get.

I seem to do best when I get mad. Anger is easier to deal with
than rejection.

Right now I'm ready to hire an A and take him to the cleaners.

Happy V Day. (((((((HUGS))))))

[lynn08]

MIP,
So sorry to hear about the D papers. As you can see I was given D papers not that long ago either. At first, I freaked out. I was an emotional wreck and I felt like I was spiraling out of control! For me if felt like, ok, this is really happening.

All I can say is that you really have to try and keep the changes going regardless if he notices them or not. Most likely he DOES see them, but wont say anything. I know my H is big into not giving me false hope. Just recently he acknowledged some of the changes..but you know what--when he actually did, I thought I would be happy and all I could think of was "I know, I dont need YOU to tell me that."

Don't get me wrong, I love my H and most days I want our M to work. Just recently I had a revelation and decided that my life was going to go on regardless if we D or not. I am trying to look at the positives in both situations and I encourage you to do so as well. Be careful to not revert back to your old ways of thinking. I backpedaled and started to become desperate and clingy again after I got the D papers. I have since regained control.

Like mentioned above (and I had to see for myself) They are just papers and its just a date. Things can always change between now and then. Or they may not..but try to prepare yourself for either scenario. My thoughts are that my H felt the need to file because he wanted me to know he is serious. So I finally just started agreeing with him and told him if its what he wants then I will do whatever it is he needs to move on. Someone gave me the advice and said to just let him vent, bite your tongue and just act like you agree to what he is saying. Ive told my H a million times that I love him, i dont want to D, and I want to make it work. He gets it so I leave it alone now.

Maybe you can read through my sitch a little, there is some wonderful advice and its helped me. I hope it helps you too!

[MomInPain]

Jenn,

Looks like you are doing really well. I would say that the majority of my time is spent being pretty OK with everything but it only takes something small to upset me.

Yesterday I saw him and told him I would be getting a consultation to make sure that I'm getting what I deserve. Anti DB'ing?
Probably, but I'm not going to lay back and get stepped on.

I'm ready to let go, and hope for the best whatever that is.

[MomInPain]

I did it. I guess you could call it my LRT.

Told him I didn't want the house. There were only a few things
I wanted in it, and he could keep the rest.

This house is one big unfinished project. All projects that he
started and did not finish.

Just living here is a reminder of how he has hurt me and thrown
me a way like a piece of trash.

So I'll be moving me and the kids out on the 1st of March.

I told him today. He was definitely not happy.

Oh well, you must live with the consequences of your decisions.

He said he wouldn't be paying me spousal support if I move.

I told him I would be seeing an A this week to discuss my rights.

He told me that spousal support is not required in WA.

I told him I am not worried about that. I need to do what is
good for me and our kids. He chose to end our marriage and
our family as we knew it, and now he would have to deal with
the consequences.

This is a complete 180 for me as before I was just accepting
everthing he was giving me. Hopething that he would change his
mind.

Now I could care less what he does. I don't want him to suffer,
but I certainly don't want him to be comfortable either.

I'm done venting for now. Thanks for reading.