Committed, I think it is normal to begin to hate your spouse at times for their actions and for putting us through. Unfortunately or fortunately, don't know which is good, the feeling passes and you're right back feeling in love with them. Sometimes I wish I could feel that hate all the time so that I can forget him. But is way too persistent.
Update and another question: Going dark have been working so far. After almost a week of silence, she called me yesterday asking if I was mad at her (because "I don't talk to her anymore"). I said, I wasn't - just giving us space we both need. During the conversation I was asking questions mostly about her; health, job - encouraged her to make a move about her career. Nothing about M or R. Didn't say much about myself and for the first time I had full control during this conversation. In the old days I'd be the one who would eventually ask if we can meet soon and when etc. This time I didn't say a word. Can tell that she was very surprised by my approach and finally asked me if it was ok if she would come by the house again and maybe she could leave some vegetables (long story) for me. I said ok.
When I came back from work today I saw "my veggies" on the table, didn't pick up her mail which means she propably is looking for an excuse to see me.
Question; Given that I stayed silent for almost a week and that she called me first, came by the house again, how should I react to that sudden "veggie" trick?
Obviously she's been trying to stay in touch and I don't want to mess it up by going "too dark".
Should I text her simple "thanks for the delivery" or just let it go and wait what happens next?
But how do I know when is the right moment to shed a little light on? Just think that a simple thanks is well within the boundaries of staying elusive. I'm so confused.
It's OK to use common courtesies. Please; thank you; you're welcome.
It's NOT OK to do anything that's "pursuing."
So, a simple text of "thanks for bringing by the veggies" is fine. Adding anything else to it, or responding to her response (if she gives you one), would be a no-no.
but: To be honest, I'm so afraid of this "going dark" idea. Sure, she called me noticing that something was different but deep inside I'm terrified of the final outcome. Here is why; If W decided to move out and to have an A because of her feelings of "being neglected, lonely, living under one roof but in the two different worlds" how going dark will fix that?
Lets not forget that when I stay dark, OM works overtime to get her on his side.
So far I stay on course sticking to the game plan but with each day I feel worse.
Another problem: I have to contact her anyways because of taxes (time to file and she has her W2) we'll have to file jointly because of the mortgage.
Speaking of which: today was the first time when I was late with the mort. payment. As said before I decided not to pay for the house anymore. I barely stopped myself from sending a bitter text message about how I feel about that.
Being afraid that "going dark" will only drive them away -- even into the arms of an OW/OM -- is perhaps the #1 fear/misunderstanding people have about DBing! I'm no expert, but I do know that's EXACTLY what you're supposed to do.
It's counter-intuitive, I know, but DBing is one of the most counter-intuitive things you will EVER do. It's all about making them miss you, and the fact that us humans tend to want what we can't have.
To be honest, I'm so afraid of this "going dark" idea. Sure, she called me noticing that something was different but deep inside I'm terrified of the final outcome. Here is why; If W decided to move out and to have an A because of her feelings of "being neglected, lonely, living under one roof but in the two different worlds" how going dark will fix that?
My wife separated for the same reasons your wife did. She felt unloved and unappreciated and she had an EA instead of PA but it has the same emotional consequences and she is till seeing the OP. We still live in the same house but in different rooms and have 2 daughters. She is at the I don't want to try anymore and I want a divorce stage. I did a lot of pursuing and everything wrong just like you. Lately I have been working really hard at staying away from her and not making any friendly overtures. I say hello and goodbye and goodnight but don't initiate any other conversation except about the kids or the house. I have told her I don't want to be friends and that I need my own space to move on. I have been going out and doing stuff and finding things to make me happy. The last week or so it has really started to affect her. She is now coming into my room to find me and chat. She spent her own money to buy steaks for us for dinner. There is definitely changes in her behavior. She laughs with me and seems more wanting to be my friend since I said I don't want to be hers.
I often wish I could tell her to move out (kids are going to stay with me ultimately) but it isn't financially feasible right now but it would be much better for her to see the consequences of her actions and have time to miss me and the kids.
Can I ask what are you doing to GAL? What are you doing to make yourself happy? You should go out with friends. If your wife notices even better but do it to have fun. Show her that you can have a life without her and that you can be happy without her.
Me-38 W-44 D8 & D6 together '95, Wed '97, Bomb 11/18/08 Still in same house
