WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 2

[Dudess]

Towards the end of the show, she jokingly brought up how when she would try to talk to me, all I would say was "oh" with no emotion and was very disengaged. I joked back about it lightly as the show had just ended and we were starting to head upstairs.

When we got in bed, I tried to validate her feelings by telling her that I know she brought up the "oh" comment but I can see how hurtful it was and how it made her feel so alone and frustrated.

Nice work Confused. It's a good sign that she feels comfortable enough to bring up things that have hurt her.

It's hard for me now as it's frustating and hurts that the woman I love/married can't find it in her heart to forgive me. She said she can forgive me, but just can't stop seeing me as the person who hurt her so badly so it makes her want to leave.

I think those are two different, You can forgive someone, but still not want to be in relationship with them. If she can forgive you, then at least that impediment to healing and hope is taken care of.

She then said another issue is how we have had so few good times and so much bad times, that there doesn't seem to be much to build on. I said we do have 2 wonderful children together. She acknowledged that but then she went on to say how she gave me her love and I threw it all away. That was all that she could give me and felt that she wasted her best part of her life. She said that now that she has "baggage", she feels that she won't have a chance to experience that again.

I this instance, you jumped in quickly to remind her of good things rather than listen and understand her point of view and feelings first. I think it's okay to mention some things that have been good for you, and which you think may have been positive for her, but do it only after she has a chance to fully express her thoughts and feelings. Make sense?

I told her I'm continuing to work on myself because I need to and that's all I can do. This is entirely in her control and told her that if there is any time that she wants to talk or needs something to help her, I will be there.

Great. She is likely afraid that the changes she is seeing are only because she is on the way out and that she couldn't trust them to last if she stays with you. If you are doing it because you want to be a better person, then she may have more confidence your changes will last.

She then made a comment about how she sees that I've changed, but some of the changes are making her wonder who is this person. She said that she's doesn't remember me ever acting like I am now. I asked her to explain as I didn't understand what she was talking about.

She said that in the past when she was sick, all I would do would is give her a hug to make her feel better. Now I show a lot of sympathy/empathy/emotion about how much I care and it concerns me. She also said I'm talking in softer tones now. It sounded like this was really confusing her. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Any comments?

That's good that you asked her for more information so you could really understand.

It's a good thing that she is confused. She was sure she wanted to leave. Now she's confused about it. That's progress.

Keep up the giving her space. For me validation means to agree with what she says she believes and just apologize for the instances that she says she was the most hurt.

The reason for validation is to not contradict her beliefs. Once you do that, they start getting defensive. So even if you know something is not true, just agree and then move to another topic.

I disagree with Stuck about validation. I actually find the term 'validation' confusing in this context because it sort of sounds like saying "that's true". I think of it more in terms of empathy, i.e. putting yourself in the other person's shoes and understanding what they are thinking and feeling. You do not have to agree at all. In fact, your viewpoint and feelings may be very different.

I think it is fine, and even beneficial, to state how it was/is for you after you have fully listened and understood her. Sometimes, it can be harmful not to let her know what was going on with you.

For example, (and I'm making this up based on something you mentioned), if she said she was hurt by your comment during your first long dance because she thought you weren't enjoying dancing with her. It would be understandable that she might feel hurt if she was enjoying it and thought you wanted it to end. And it might also be healing if you told her you made the comment because you were feeling anxious because your hands were getting sweaty or you felt insecure about your dancing skills or something (but only if it is true). Then you could tell her that and it could put the incident in a new light.

IMO, the important thing is to show understanding for her point of view and caring about her feelings first. If you encounter defensiveness it is often because she doesn't feel like her feelings and point of view have been fully understood first. Stating your thoughts and your feelings is not contradicting hers, (as long as you really are talking about what you think and not what she thinks). No need to fake agreement and move on to another topic. Stay with what you are talking about for as long as need be.

There is a great section on communication skills in a book called "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David Burns. There are lots of specific examples and practice exercises that might help you. He may even have a book more specifically about relationships that includes that part. I don't know.