Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

Received a text message from XW this morning reading:

My heart is hurting for you. You are in my prayers.

Nice sentiment, and she didn't have to send the message, but I have nothing to say to her right now. I'll file it under a small bit of nicety from XW and leave it at that. Yesterday she started to try to explain her change of mind and I simply told her, "Look, I understand. I really just want to get OFF the phone with you right now." I didn't want to be her emotional tampon about her decisions and she doesn't need to justify them to me. My best friend, Wil, told me that I never should have even considered her an option and I probably shouldn't have even asked her. But, frank_D gave me different counsel, which was to put the decision in front of her and see what her decision is because THAT will bring clarity for you, and it has. Her decision is what it is, she is who she is, and I am where I am. So be it.

This crisis in my life is not her doing and it isn't her responsibility to help me sort it out. It would have been nice, and it would have been what I would have done, but I am not her and using myself as the yardstick isn't fair to either one of us. I'm NOT her.... Perhaps now is the best time to put to whats phoenixdeux posted to me and let go. To quote phoenixdeux:

Letting go doesn't mean it's over...it just means you quit pining away and start to look at her as your EX wife. I've been where you are. I'm remarried to her, so I know there is hope...but it was just being open to possibility of reconciliation, without actually expecting it, that was more helpful.

I've had the benefit of so much good counsel in my time hear on DB. NOW is the time to, as Wil keeps saying, take care of me first because right now I'm not I'm not of much use to anyone else in my life. Sad, but true. On top of everything else, the policies of the CHP aren't helping me out with my need for the accident report so I can get my car fixed. I try not to ask what else can go wrong, because inevitably, that 'what else' becomes evident. So, I am in a holding pattern.

I've been offered a place to stay temporarily by a friend who is just starting chemotherapy treatment for her fourth bout with cancer. She needs assistance and I need a place to stay and it's a lot closer to local job opportunities and my children, plus I can borrow her car on occasion, until I get my car situation sorted out. I really don't want to be in the position to take her up on her offer, but I am, and this will help both of us fill a need right now. Plus, as my mom told me, try it for a month or two. It it works out, great, if not, you can always come back her to say with me and Poppa. Either way, I feel like a loser for putting myself in this position even though I am not alone in today's economy.

Well, not much in the way of DBing to post except that I'm working on taking myself and getting back on my feet financially. Without being happy, healthy and whole, I don't have much to offer in my efforts to DB, now do I? Strangely, I am more emotionally stable right now than I've been in quite awhile. If you find the time and think of me, either send positive thoughts and energy my way and/or say a prayer for me that I find God's will in my journey and I'm able to work out my 'stuff' sooner rather than later.