H news Well, I have heard nothing from H for the past few days. He didn't ever reply to my suggestion to meet on Thursday but then I haven't followed it up either as I have been so busy at work my energies have been placed elsewhere. I think next week I will contact him to meet to discuss the house or I could wait for him... I don't know which to do. Usually now I just wait for him but I feel 'ready' to have that discussion and it would be good to get another pink elephant out of the room between the two of us.
Journal and thoughts Something happened that threw me the other day - isn't it funny what affects you and what doesn't, often the most bizarre things! I think H's post re-direction has now lapsed and his post is coming to the house. His model railway magazine came through and when I saw it my heart leapt and I thought 'he hasn't changed the address, it's a sign that he still wants part of him to be here'. Then I thought get real, he just hasn't changed the address on it yet as it is being redirected. I need to stop this line of thinking and getting my hopes up and dashed and the only way I can see to do this is to force myself to move on. My reaction to the mail affected me for a good few hours of that day. I am not sure how much longer I can do this and put myself through this.
I feel like I am at a cross roads... Option 1. Carry on as I am going and give him time and space and perhaps he might change his mind and once the house is sold try and re-establish friendship. Then wait till either one of us wants to re-marry before divorcing as he will probably not initiate divorce till then. This is me in limbo relationship wise and while I am happy and carry on my life around me, there are certain aspects of my life that I can't really pursue as it would be unfair on the person I was dating and I'm not sure this is good for my mental health.
Option 2. Accept things as they are at the moment, and as they have been for a while - he doesn't want me and is living with someone else and I have to let go completely and move on. Push forward with the house sale and financial discussions etc. and when the time is right initiate divorce and be open to meeting new people and enter a proper relationship with no attachements or baggage.
Option 2 is the hardest for me to do. The thing with option 2 is that I have to say good-bye to my marriage completely because if I met someone else I feel it would be unfair to go into that relationship with the door open to my ex. Wow that is the first time I have ever written ex! Ok, that wasn't so bad...
Is there another option I haven't thought of?
I worked out the other day that I don't miss him; I don't mourn him. I mourn my marriage and having to break vows that are so dear and important to me. The thing is, I feel that if I initiate the divorce I can take some control of my life back and not feel trodden upon - this is a real change of feeling than before, waiting for him. I know longer feel like this would be 'making things easy for him' rather, I have some control of my destiny and where my life is going.
Don't get me wrong, I will continue to DBust and be friendly and respectful... but maybe move onto the last last resort technique. Not that divorce is much of a threat to him - maybe more of a relief!
I know the decision to divorce is up to me but I suppose I am journalling my thoughts. I just wondered if any one had seen anything I missed in terms of options?
(((Naej))) The cat is much better thanks. I think one more trip to the vets and then she should be tip top. I only told two people he had left for the first 3 months - even now my sister called him a 'd*ck' in a text, she is of course leaping to my defense but in my mind I immediately leap to his defence... he may well now be a 'd*ck' but once he was very special to me. She is only trying to help though, I know.
You know, I am really hard on myself if I view myself as 'not coping'. I'm trying to work out what that means. You are right I am going to try and be kinder to myself but still know that dwelling does me no good!
(((OD))) Wild horses will not stop me next week... although I've just realised that I have a potential funding meeting so... argh! Even so, we need to catch up! Let me know if you fancy lunch next week.
(((Saffie))) thank you for visiting! How are you?
(((Al))) I know what you mean, it is easier to just not. However, I know that meetings we have would be about house stuff until that is gone I don't know how we can meet neutrally. Although our last meeting was pretty much 'old friends catching up'. Plus we don't have mutual friends and he would not come out with my friends... I don't know how I could work that?
(((Mish))) I am resting mostly this weekend, seeing a friend tomorrow and catching up on housework. I am exhausted from this week - work has been manic, loads of important projects. My chairman described me as a 'tigress' which made me spit out my water with laughter - I quite liked it though perhaps not coming from him lol. I get a bit between my teeth and nothing stands in my way (maybe why I find it so hard to 'fail' and let go, I know I haven't failed with the marriage/ divorce thing though). On Sunday I am going to visit my new niece again with my family. But sleep is my priority.
