Let me try to answer some of the questions you posted back.
Quote: What would be her response to you telling her you are going to call her Dr...[or] that you are going to accompany her to her next appointment...
Based on past experience she'd get very upset if I told her I was going to talk to her Dr. It's both her "privacy" and my disrespect because "I don't trust her to take care of herself." I do respect her; still, that doesn't change the many instances where she doesn't take care of herself. On the other hand, I've been along with her on several other appointments, and she is extremely reluctant to raise any subject regarding sex, certainly not in any level of detail, and makes it quite clear that any additions by me are equally unwelcome. Even when she was going to start the antidepressants, the Dr. was the one to raise the side effect issue, which frankly didn't appear to bother my wife a bit.
Also, during the last argument on this, she told me "If I can't talk to you about this (sex), I'm sure not going to talk to anyone else about it." Other, similar statements in several contexts make it clear to me that outside "help" is unwelcome and not something she's willing to consider. As a point of reference, I first thought that she might (at least periodically) be clinically depressed about ten years ago. I even (with her reluctant consent) got a referral for her to be seen, but she kept putting it off until we moved. She didn't raise the issue with a Dr. after that, either; I actually did at one of her appointments, and she was upset with me at the time. Now at least the depression seems relatively under control, but there's still no desire.
Returning to the top of the last paragraph -- even though she started that section of her eruption with "If I can't talk to you about this..." she isn't willing to talk to me about it. If I try to "Do a 180" and not say a word (which I have tried, literally going for for multiple years on some sub-issues), she's perfectly content to let the issue lie. If I do try to raise the issue, it's "the only thing [I] ever want to talk about." Then she changes the subject by making personal attacks about my failings in other areas (yes, I'm trying, but I'm certainly not perfect) and having learned over the course of 18 years which buttons to push, eventually succeeds. Further, if I can't remember "details" and "specific examples," then obviously it couldn't have been a big deal, but if I can, then I'm "keeping score" and "dredging up stuff from the past to throw in [her] face." So I lose either way.
With her insecurities, she tends to be very insistent on holding me close when we go to bed. Unfortunately, she's insistent right after she falls asleep. So she cuddles, lays on top of me, squirms to get comfortable, etc. for a half hour or so until she feels secure, and then rolls over to her side of the bed. Intellectually I ought to feel happy that this actually does make her feel secure. But I'm so physically aroused by this point that I could scream. Naturally she's made it very plain that "trying to start something" once she's asleep is unacceptable. At the same time, if I don't let her do this I'm rejecting her. So night after night I lie there until after 1:00 am before I can relax enough to fall asleep, before trying to pry myself back out of bed around 5:00 to start getting ready for work. And then she complains that I'm always tired and grumpy! Of course, if I find reasons to go to bed before or after her, then she accuses me of "being distant" and "avoiding" her. And what woman could have any desire for a man who doesn't want to be around her? So I lose again.
I love my wife with all my heart, and still cannot conceive of considering a divorce (BTW, the only time that "option" has been raised, she raised it, and it was over sex). I'm also in a lot of pain. I just don't know how I'm supposed to communicate when I can't talk to her about it (this includes writing, which I've also tried and been crucified for). I don't see any other way to break out of this pattern without some kind of third-party involvement, which she's essentially ruled out. So that's why I'm considering "being sneeky and going behind her back." If you (or anyone else) has another option, I'd be grateful to hear it.
Finally, you seem to suggest that I should concentrate on dealing with the other physical issues. Rest assured that I am doing everything I can in that area as well. There seems to be an unspoken subtext to the statement, though, which is something like "...and then the sexual issues can resolve themselves." I wish I could believe that, but it certainly hasn't been my experience. Still, thanks for caring; I really do appreciate it.
HERE is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin...sometimes he feels that there really is another way [of coming downstairs], if only he could stop bumping for a moment and think of it.
