It exemplifies what troubles me with this approach...It's a quiz for a wife to determine if her H is cheating - I answered it honestly from my point of view - and it would have warned B that I was cheating on her...though that was never the case when she dropped the bomb...It seems like a gimmicky way to get people to worry about and try to fix their marriages...not by working on themselves but by fixating on their impressions of their partner - if B would have taken this quiz, she would have certainly been convinced that I was cheating on her - which would just have been a distraction from the real issues at hand...
I agree with you about the dangers of the gimmicky approach. I wish the authors of some incendiary books would think about the probable effects in situations like yours.
You might enjoy this blog post by Steven Stosny:
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A sure-fire way to destroy your relationship is to diagnose your partner with a personality disorder or other character disease. Unfortunately, a cottage industry of self-help books exists to encourage you to do just that.
I'm sorry you have to leave your house with the fruit trees, but I know that what makes a home is that the inhabitants feel loved and valued, not the relative elegance or simplicity of the structure. Even if you move to a beat-up single wide trailer, you are making a better home for your boys.
Veronica, I like the idea of making new discoveries with my kids...that's a great thing to remember. I'm also realizing more and more that being in a new place, in a new neighborhood, with a lot of fresh experiences awaiting me should do a lot for my continued healing.
Rob, I'm doing well in most respects...though I still have my tough times...today was a tough day...Just had to go through a process a lot of the loss that comes from the end of a marriage - and a lot of the pain that was left behind. There's also just the occasional concern that I am being hit with a hell of a lot at once - and I just have to keep moving so I don't sink. One big realization that hit me today was that I am a good man and a good father - and when she left me I was a good man and good father then too....Not that I didn't have things to work on and improve in myself as a man/father - but i wasn't the man she concocted in her mind just so she could leave me...and knowing that is both liberating and kind of sad...since it also tells me that she was going to do what she had to do no matter what...but, then again, given how much I've learned with her leaving...it has been quite the blessing in disguise.
I also want to tell you just how timely your words were for me today - in a tough day, when I was feeling not as strong and not as together as I might come across in my words here, it was comforting to read your words...in particular the value of being a better role model to our children then what we were offered growing up.
I do still plan on going back into teaching - it's the one job I've had that I have always missed - and when I was teaching I also never felt like it was "work" - since it was just so very enriching to share in the development of others.
I know I've got a huge mountain to climb over the next few weeks/months...and I intend to keep moving onward no matter what. These days, whenever I have a moment of fear I immediately know that it's a sign of something I have to work on - something I have to face - accept - and make the most of - otherwise I risk too much.
I still get pain in my chest sometimes - but it's not out of the loss of my M anymore...it's just the pain of rebuilding...and whenever I feel it I know there's something I have to accept, reflect on, process, perhaps mourn, and through that, I heal.
You are a good man, Rob. Among the best of them...And I appreciate your friendship and respect your capacity for compassion.
Purple, You are so right about the extra space being outside and in more public spaces...Sometimes I think I get to insular in my thoughts and forget just how easy it can be to step outside - both of myself and out the front door.
I know you've had to juggle a lot yourself as you've taken on that role of single parent - so I value your advice tremendously.
I'm looking at some places this week/weekend...hopefully my S11 will have a chance to share his thoughts on them with me.
Dudess, ...you can't hear me say your name, but I've been told that I have an unusual way of pronouncing your nickname...perhaps putting my accent on the wrong syllable...kind of in a French way...
Those incendiary books really do cause a lot of trouble - and I think they just make it far, far too easy for anyone to keep looking for the solutions to their marital problems in their partner - rather than in themselves (at least that was the case with me). For some, the solution can lead to a more fulfilled and fulfilling marriage, for others, that solution can lead to a better sense of one's self...and, well, the end of a marriage.
Stosny seems to have a very sound view of what works and doesn't work - and I know that as I put too much focus on trying to figure out what ailed B (MLC, borderline, bipolar, etc), I kept myself distracted from looking at what was harming me in this R...
Leaving this house will be a good thing...and you are completely right - a home is built by love and a sense of value among all of us who live there - it's not in the beams and the walls or the trees...
I feel so very fortunate to have so many angels watching over me...
Carlos, Have you read the "Meaning of Life" by Victor Frankl? One of the key concepts was having something to dream of in the future to keep going, Frankl used to visualise giving lectures of his experience in the concentration camps. All the "lessons" we have learned here make us better teachers. I view my experiences the past year as a gift, something that has touched, changed and grown me as a man. Imagine how you can use your new wisdom going forward. Cheers Coach ps Do you mind if I start a "wishing tree" in the park across the street from my house?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach, I've not read Frankl's "Meaning of Life" - but it sounds like he makes a powerful statement about what it means to get through the worst kind of nightmares. Yet another book to add to my list - which is always a good thing.
These last few months, no, this last year, has changed my life in virtually every regard - not just the practical matters I have to take care of, but also the more emotional issues one has to tackle on a daily basis. I am a different father now than I was before, far more aware of the ways in which I must model for my children what it means to be a good man. I've also found that people seem to stop and talk with me a lot in RL - much more than ever used to happen before...I have found a kind of quiet confidence in knowing that I am dealing with my own issues now - looking into my own life and working on some very profound issues that I had avoided for far too long.
I love the idea of starting a "wishing tree" in the park across from your house. I know that children, like you 11-year-old, especially love it.
I am a different father now than I was before, far more aware of the ways in which I must model for my children what it means to be a good man.
With you be their father, they are going to be good noble men, don't you worry about that.
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I have found a kind of quiet confidence in knowing that I am dealing with my own issues now - looking into my own life and working on some very profound issues that I had avoided for far too long.
It is a good feeling, isn't it?
You are doing great...
Have a great weekend..!
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
Hi NW, I'm doing okay. A bit stressed with all that I have to do over the next couple weeks - but reminding myself that I have to play the cards I'm dealt - and so I am sitting down to play. I'll have S11 with me for this long weekend - so that's thrilling - though we'll miss S2 - since B is taking him to visit her family for the weekend.
I had thought about taking S11 camping this weekend - but it looks like we're going to have a lot of rain down here...so instead, we'll go biking when the rain stops - hopefully find some time to play soccer - and....I'll take him with me to see a few apartments tomorrow.
Oh...we're also going to join some friends for dinner at Din Tai Fung - one of the best dumplings houses in the world and one of S11's top 5 restaurants (that's Saturday) and then we're going out for Peruvian food on Sunday - which should be great.
My baby boy has been under-the-weather all week - with a fever and a cough - and apparently has a fever again today (so says his mom...though I don't think she remembers that babies often wake with a bit of a high temp when they're a bit sick...).
Also thinking of taking S11 to see Coraline this weekend...looks interesting...and supposedly the 3-D actually works...
hello my friend, its been a long time. i'm just catching up on everyone, feels like you're all old friends i havent seen in a while.
incendiary books and incendiary friends. both destructive. i feel that was the downfall of my M, that she chose to surround herself with incendiary friends, exclusively.
but what comes first? do they read the incendiary books hoping to find something to justify their actions? i think this is what happened to us.
i have to say, you've changed so much since we've gotten here. its obvious how much you've grown and your perspective has shifted. i'm proud of you. be well.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
