Everyday I learn so much more about myself and my sitch. Wednesday was another MC session, and this one was the most emotional yet. I learned that my H isn't really the one having such a hard time working on putting our M together, I am. Many of H's complaints about our M have been directed at my treatment of him. And they are valid. I was resentful and said and did many hurtful things over the years.
I have been dealing with such guilt that I haven't treated my H with the honor and respect that he deserves. What I have learned is that H may be working on forgiving me, but I need to work even harder at forgiving myself. I don't know why that is so hard. I always said that both of us contributed to the place that our M is in, but I know that unless I can get past my part, I will never truly heal our M.
I want so badly to R with H, and I really believe that is what H wants as well. In the beginning, H said he was uncomfortable when I said ILY and initiated contact. Now that we are at this stage, it's hard because I have to learn how to show my love, ask for what I want, and become vulnerable again. It's so scary. I think it's almost easier to act nonchalant and GAL and detach. I am back to facing rejection, but if I don't try and risk a few things, we will never move forward.
