WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 2

[confusedinpa]

Everyone here is always a voice of reason, hope and calm in this sea of chaos I'm in. My wife on her facebook page put down last Thurs - why does life have to be so complicated. I couldn't agree with her more.

I managed to achieve a calm and enjoy life attitude as I got home after picking up my son from school. My wife came home and I didn't offer a hug or a kiss. We had a nice dinner and talked like we had the last couple of weeks.

She brought up that her friend wanted to go to happy hour for my wife's B'day next week. I said that sounded fun (last year I got all mad about it since that was the day I had just come back from a weeklong trip). We then talked about how we hadn't gone to happy hour since our second son. I asked her if she wanted me to just pick up both kids or if she wanted me to go and leave early to pickup the kids or if she wanted to ask her mom to pick up both kids.

She said that I could go and go when it was time to pick up the kids since she wanted to ask her mom to watch the kids that Sat so we can go out for her Bday and celebrate a late Vday as well as on Mon so we can both go to counseling. I said that sounded like a good plan. Now I'm thinking I should just not go and let her have the space. I'm sure I can figure out how to get out of it.

We then talked some more and I wound up giving her a hug from behind and kissed her on the neck. We swayed a little while we did that the she turned and asked me to crack her back with a hug.

I know I have to keep up a postive attitude and keep on enjoying life. I do resolve to pick up one of your books tomorrow

Thanks for all your encouragement and advise!

Well it started out very positive and upbeat, but it must be a Thursday nite thing as we wound up having another tough conversation. The positive is that I didn't let myself get pulled in and have it escalate. I really focused on validating, I'm still having hard time between acknowledging and validating so any additional pointers will really be appreciated.

While we were watching Lost, she wound up resting her knee on mine. I didn't think much about it but then her foot wound up next to me again. I pulled it up on my lap and massaged/carressed it gently for a bit. When I stopped, she put her other leg/foot up and I massaged/carressed it as well. We wound up chatting and joking around a little bit. I thought it was very nice. I didn't try to hold her hand or hug or kiss her.

Towards the end of the show, she jokingly brought up how when she would try to talk to me, all I would say was "oh" with no emotion and was very disengaged. I joked back about it lightly as the show had just ended and we were starting to head upstairs.

When we got in bed, I tried to validate her feelings by telling her that I know she brought up the "oh" comment but I can see how hurtful it was and how it made her feel so alone and frustrated. She agreed. I tried the same about the "crazy" comment from the Weds nite, but it didn't go as well as she said she really didn't remember that entire conversation.

I made some comment during my validation of the "crazy" comment about how hard it must had been. She caught that right away and said it still is hard.

That's where I worked in that she is right about how hard it is now. It's hard for me now as it's frustating and hurts that the woman I love/married can't find it in her heart to forgive me. She said she can forgive me, but just can't stop seeing me as the person who hurt her so badly so it makes her want to leave.

She then said another issue is how we have had so few good times and so much bad times, that there doesn't seem to be much to build on. I said we do have 2 wonderful children together. She acknowledged that but then she went on to say how she gave me her love and I threw it all away. That was all that she could give me and felt that she wasted her best part of her life. She said that now that she has "baggage", she feels that she won't have a chance to experience that again.

It hurt me to hear her say that, but I just acknowledged how angry that must have made her feel. I tried to validate it, but I'm still really bad at that. I really needs some tips - i.e. specific examples - of how to validate.

I then told her I recognize that it's hard for her to try and find a reason to change her mind and that she feels that she has to choose the lessor of 2 evils (stay married or get a divorce).

I told her I'm continuing to work on myself because I need to and that's all I can do. This is entirely in her control and told her that if there is any time that she wants to talk or needs something to help her, I will be there.

She then made a comment about how she sees that I've changed, but some of the changes are making her wonder who is this person. She said that she's doesn't remember me ever acting like I am now. I asked her to explain as I didn't understand what she was talking about.

She said that in the past when she was sick, all I would do would is give her a hug to make her feel better. Now I show a lot of sympathy/empathy/emotion about how much I care and it concerns me. She also said I'm talking in softer tones now. It sounded like this was really confusing her. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Any comments?

Another thing that she said was an issue was about getting hurt again. I told her that I will continue to work on myself because I need to and will try my best not to hurt her again.

I also think she's down that tomorrow if V-Day. I'm taking the kids to the monster truck show in the afternoon. I had asked her what her plans were and she said she just going take some alone time. I asked why she wasn't going to see one of her girlfriends (her husband and son is going with me and my 2 boys to the monster truck). She said she was worried that she would ask how thing are going and she said she's not ready to talk to anyone about this - not sure if it means to talk about her filing the divorce or that she's trying to find a reason to change her mind or what?? She said her girlfriend wanted her to go over, but she didn't want to. I told her she doesn't have to do anything that she doesn't want to.

She said she just want to "hide" on Sat to avoid the whole V-Day thing. I told her if she didn't want to have a special dinner like we had planned together, then we shouldn't. I told her we shouldn't do it if she doesn't want to. She didn't respond/answer.

We did fall asleep together this time - she didn't storm out of the room to sleep in the family room. I guess that's a positive.

Any advice on the validation or comments on how things went?

Thanks