It comes down to that he doesn't think he can ever trust me again. It comes down to that when he looks at me, that's all he can think of. He is disenchanted with the idea of marriage in general. Because there have been two As and he feels like no matter what I should have made better choices. And he's right. But I can't change that. I can change the future. But he just doesn't want to be married to anyone ever again basically.
I'm at the end. He finally said he was going to start working on the paperwork. I don't know if he will or not. (My emphasis added).
Melissa
All you know is what he said today. It differs from what he expressed last week and the month before. All you "have to do" is seek legal advice to know your rights and make sure NM treats military retirement the way we both hope it does. I am not up to date on that but back in the 90's SOME states did NOT count it as a definite, so that's a huge issue. If it is as I hope/think, then you benefit by taking your sweet time as your % of retirement goes up the longer the M...so, you can "invest" in patience and an IRA....
and let him maybe get around to filing or maybe not...Let him assume responsibility for filing, why should YOU? Assuming you know your legal rights, and you aren't doing anyting financially stupid by sticking around then why rush it? You can certainly "decide emotionally you are done" so as to protect your heart, and do nothing legally until it behooves you in your purse....and my L told me a third of the divorces she files, never quite get done....for whatever reason, they don't actually go thru with it. Maybe they don't care to make it official but at least some of them changed their minds after the papers were filed. AND I told you that 2 relatives of mine got divorces and remarried YEARS later my friend. That is how long it took for them to "get it" and work it thru and forgive, and learn whatever crap they needed to learn, etc.
But they both said the 2nd time around was better... Your h needs time to trust you again and not nearly enough time has passed my friend. Honestly. If h had had 2 affairs, and IF I even considered taking him back which I am afraid I might not, although I think learning of them at the same time was better than getting thru one, forgiving and it happened again. Sounds more like a small series of the same destructive behavior and kind of a "crime spree" rather than two separate, well thought out "crimes" for lack of a better metaphor.
I'm tired, but will post more later.
Mel, I am on facebook and will try to find your group. Your facebook name is your first name ? and in that place so I'll see what I can see....MODERATORS-- I don't know how to say this without breaking the rule that I have not read, anywhere. But when I returned to the posts a few months ago, after a hiatus, someone told me we can't post phone numbers or emails and that part, I get. In the past, some people "hooked up" and it didn't go well either b/c one of them stalked the other (this is 3rd or 6th hand info, btw) or they "HOOKED UP" and since this is pro=staying m, it doesn't look so great if we come here to support M's and end up NOT doing that b/c we found someone here!! I did hear from semi-reliable sources that a couple who had been LBSers ended up marrying, rather happily I'm told. That must have presented a dilemma. I thank GOD for the men I meet here, b/c without them, I'd have a much lower opinion of guys.
So some of this is why the emails were not allowed to be posted. MODERATORS____ NOTE THIS PLEASE....I really understand the deal with the emails not getting posted b/c in this case here at hand, I want to touch base by email or phone with Mel and only her. We're not gay (yet!! kiDDING!!)
If I post my email here, I cannot control who else gets it and that is NOT something I want to do. So I accept completely your position on this. But what if I could directly and privately mail her a message, or even thru YOU, and YOU can screen it, then she can decide if she wants to be in touch privately,?? etc. Also There are topics I'm more comfortable sharing with a woman but don't want everyone here knowing it, yet maybe someone uniquely similar to my sitch could help. There are AA members here, SSMs, and co-dependents, etc. so it'd be nice to have this.
MODERATORS/// IF this is not possible I could really use an explanation. I know you have reasons for what you do, but it'd help me to know them. Just explain and I promise to shut up about it....fair enough?? Do you moderators have any suggestions for how we can keep in touch with the friends we make here, outside the DB board? I feel so close to some of the people here, it's true that they've helped me more than many in my "real life"...
Okay Mel, I need some sleep. I have to post my own dang thread asap too. So dont' disappear b/c hello? I need your advice too buddy, this friendship things' a two way street....you narcissist you...
(plus I'll need the "self defense for slum teacher's" seminar you should be giving me...)
( j )
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
