LoveNoMatterWhat's New Thread

[25yearsmlc]

a NOT SO quick comment....

Lodo has a good point about weak men and how UNattractive that is...Amen!
I don't want to dismiss that comment at all, with my stuff below, but to add something to it that parts way with a bit of what Lodo said, with all due respect.

Strength in men...a good thing!...but sometimes what appears strong comes out a way that isn't really strength at all, just b/c it's "decisive"
....

I've noticed a certain negativity with some spouses, for me it's more noticeable with the man or "aggrieved party" or whoever sees themselves as a victim in that moment, anyhow...they blurt out some things that sound really rigid or judgemental. (Often during the news for example). Also it tends to be rigidly negative, not rigid either way. More likely to be really negative. (EX: Not "Wow when someone has a high credit score that's always a good sign about them...." BUT INSTEAD "only a loser would have that bad a fica score" so the sweeping generalizations take on a smug negative put down tone to them. Check yourself and see what type of sweeping generalizations you make that are good, if any. If there are some, are they all about money? Like, "Joe's doing really well, he made $344K last year...." and ignore that he was dishonest with his 2nd wife and missed a court deadline or didn't pay his taxes or wrecked 3 cars, etc. At my class reunion at least 3 men told me that "Joe" was doing really well in his life and they were exclusively focussed on his declared income.... I found it shallow, at our age, to still think like that.

Lately my h has been doing this to the point where the kids noticed it as well so it isn't just me putting a spin on it. Watching the news makes him the worst person to be around. NOT Archie bunker but dang, some of the things that come out of his mouth and I don't think he believes them!! But now I'm not sure... His mom has cancer and he has some floundering feelings professionally, so yeah, I think he's depressed....but regardless, it is also a big turn off.

I think it makes him sound on the road to being bitter. And NOT fun to be with. And I am guessing your wife was reacting to that fear of hers; that you are becoming someone she won't want to be with down the road. If this is off base, then I'm glad. But if there's a thread of something in here, try to heed it..but without putting yourself down too much. Listen, we all have "the leveler" inside us; the desire to be on the same playing field as those around us. When we feel bad about ourselves, it's just easier to tear someone else down, or reduce them to a stereotype from a Reader's Digest format, than a real person with dimensions...

I have to learn to show my sadness with just that, being sad, rather than anger, when I deal with h and pain from his actions. My anger never works that's for sure. But it is weird b/c my hurt and feelings of still not being his priority somehow seem to express themselves (or at least this is how HE hears it) as anger...I know some of it is how he hears it, as I'm careful about my wording but he does not hear what I say...he hears what he fears I actually mean...and that stinks.

So anyhow, that's my two cents. If you want to comment about a FICA score, which I assume she was asking you for, b/c if not, why bring it up at all? But if so, then say the score and attach no judgement to it. Better yet, acknowledge that there are times that could cause such a mediocre or low score to happen to a "good" person and if those events don't exist in her friends' sitch, let HER determine that. E.G., "well that's considered a low score but banks will look at circumstances like...illness...or maybe he went on family medical leave and lost his job b/c a relative was sick (fyi, I'm an attorney and my h is an MD and we did just that last summer for his cancer mom, we moved so he was "unemployed" for 3 months while waiting for his medical license to come into the new state where his mom was). (I'd have to take the bar exam there in that state and that's offered 2 times a year and has a 50% pass rate ummm....fun times) So, we had no income (Fam Med Leave does not give you pay, fyi) and went thru some savings and a credit card and missed at least one or two bills in the move, (meaning the mail caught up to us late, and it was emotional and we just dropped the ball with too much going on). Honestly, I don't feel like looking up our score. Our income is high again and the debts are gone now, but hey, point is, that "sh-- happens" and that's a fact. Even to good people.

If this friend doesn't fit those facts, or no other mitigation exists, that's not for you to determine UNLESS they asked for you professional opinion. Then maybe refer to an "expert" so you don't have to pass on bad news, and see if you can get something positive out of the interaction. Don't pay too much attention to what your' wife's initial comments were anyhow, she may reflect later and realize you were negatively spinning things, true, but that you did provide requested info. (Sorry I'm not sure why you were giving her this anyhow and assuming you were asked. But please let me make it clear, that if she was NOT asking you for your prof opinion, this was probably way out of line and might have looked like weird snooping, negativity, etc. ) FWIW...

SO you could have passed on the information IF AND ONLY IF IT WAS REQUESTED.... and then either attach NO judgement to a number, or offer positive possibilities that show your compassion, and leave it to HER to realize that those types of factors were not applicable in her friends sitch and therefore he probably has a low credit score b/c..???.. he has bad credit and though he could be a great guy in many ways, money management is not one of them, but again, SHE has to determine that. Let her put the spin on it, not you. Make sense?

Hope I'm not digressing too much and that you get my point.

RE: your comments about getting past the "bad" of your past.....I don't know all your history but assume you had an A and or did some "Big bad event/thing" and IF SO, then maybe in her eyes, you are the last person to be casting stones....so if she's coming from that view point, and your sitch, then you have to back off any moral statements big time and ask yourself why you'd be making them. Would you want her to view YOUR past actions with a negative spin? I think you want forgiveness, and so you must demonstrate it....it's an opportunity to MODEL it for her..... I mean, are you getting defensive b/c you feel so guilty and ashamed that in order to level the playing field with others, so you won't keep feeling 'beneath', then you put others down? That happens to ALL of us when we are feeling insecure, but we try to hide it and face it inside, and then move on....you can do that too.
Better yet, we learn to lift ourselves up so we are up to the same world level as our loved ones, not higher but not lower and we don't do it by draggin them down, we do it be affirming our own inner goodness and our own boundaries; responsible for ourselves and no one else and not blaming others, etc.

lately my h has sounded so embittered about people with different political beliefs, that I am getting annoyed. We share some fundamental values but I don't like the dismissive way he is talking. He was NOT always this way. Now that I've posted here, I think I see he is feeling bad about himself...not sure totally why. I wish it was b/c of family neglect and that he wanted to improve there, and maybe it is....but I fear it is still, all about his professional life and where others are compared to him...this is a trait he has had that bothers me a lot. Damn. I thought he had learned more...
Well, sorry to hijack,

good luck,
(( j _))