Yep, that is basically why I don't talk to RL people - they don't understand and try and help and I get annoyed and frustrated that they don't understand and they get annoyed and frustrated that they are unable to help. So, all in all, it is easier all round if we just don't talk about it. For me it is more about surviving it and people don't understand why it is taking so long - that this is my process and his. Plus I still don't like to hear people calling him names etc.
H and I have been corresponding about the cat on a different email (other than the one about meeting up). I didn't bring up the fact she is stressed by people coming round and he has naturally come to that conclusion himself which is good as I am not being 'mother'. He also asked about feedback about the house. I think I am going to bring up the fact that most people seem to be noticing the snagging bits that I asked him to come up and do - it is true, I think it is putting people off. And then told me a story about someone we used to work with that he had seen. This morning he sent me a BBC news clip relating to an old private joke we used to have together (when we were lovely dovey and a 'family') about the cat. Weird, but nice that he still remembers...
I'll respond back and engage, I remember a funny story about that woman so I will tell that I think and laugh about the clip - it did make me lol!
He hasn't mentioned anymore about meeting up. I have already put it in the first email so he can respond when he likes. Although, it does now look like i will be busy on Thursday. Or would it be a 180 for me to ask? It will come up eventually, but I am enjoying this email chat as friends. What do you think? It is not giving me hopes or expectations, just chatting about old times.
In other good news I went to visit my new little niece who is adorable! She had an infection and has been in hospital all week but has been given the all clear. The exciting news for me is that they have asked me to be god mother. Seriously, I could not be more pleased and proud, it is such an honour for me. Now, not only do I get to be the favourite aunt (as I am with my nephews ) I get to be god mother too.
Hi, JCJ, I can understand why you don't talk about your situation in RL. It can become like a circus with the he said she said....and before you know it you are back in the play ground and being told well he punched that means he really likes you stuff. I see it every day at work. The other side of the coin is that sometimes we need one person who we can offload to, it helps with the blood pressure. This made me smile and was so me back in the day "Plus I still don't like to hear people calling him names etc." I never told anyone my H had left for months because I didn't want people to think badly of him, as he had started working away in the week, it made it easier.
You seem to have it all together so I wish you well. House sales are rated up there with death and divorce as regard stress so be kind to yourself.
Hope the cat is improving. Mine has just attacked me as I tried to force a worming pill down her throat, boy those claws are sharp! Take care.
If it helps at all, I spoke to Jody. She said that people on teh boards get stuck in the Last Resort technique and it becomes that, the technique.. and they do so as they feel comfortable there and it involves little risk.. but at some stage, you are supposed to Try something different, move out of that technique and once contact is reestablished, you need ot work on being in stage 2 - friendship. She said how would you treat a friend yu hadnt seen for a while that was emailing you? You'd say, in a very non-pressurising way about meeting up -BUT she said, spur of the moment invites are perfect and better .. as in, hey got your email, sounds like you have a lot going on, I'll be going along to X if you fancy joining us for a drink and a chat about it (or something, but she is American, so I find it needs to be "Englished-ised"!).
She made me reaslise, although my ex is now emailing me every few days the past month, I'm still "afraid" to call him, or ask to meet for a drink - she said to me, but what have you got to lose?? So I did invite him along yesterday, but he still didnt come! She said dont take it personally though, its often about how the other person feels abut themselves more than how they feel about you. So... anyway, if that helps, sure, why not suggest meeting up one day, when you're in the mood for it?
Glad he is being friendlier on email.. he had kind of cut you off for much of last year hey.
Thats a shame people in RL expect you to be moving on sooner and cant be particularly supportive, like I said, my T said its like a death and 1-2 years to get over a sudden traumatic breakup of this kind is normal.
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
H news Well, I have heard nothing from H for the past few days. He didn't ever reply to my suggestion to meet on Thursday but then I haven't followed it up either as I have been so busy at work my energies have been placed elsewhere. I think next week I will contact him to meet to discuss the house or I could wait for him... I don't know which to do. Usually now I just wait for him but I feel 'ready' to have that discussion and it would be good to get another pink elephant out of the room between the two of us.
Journal and thoughts Something happened that threw me the other day - isn't it funny what affects you and what doesn't, often the most bizarre things! I think H's post re-direction has now lapsed and his post is coming to the house. His model railway magazine came through and when I saw it my heart leapt and I thought 'he hasn't changed the address, it's a sign that he still wants part of him to be here'. Then I thought get real, he just hasn't changed the address on it yet as it is being redirected. I need to stop this line of thinking and getting my hopes up and dashed and the only way I can see to do this is to force myself to move on. My reaction to the mail affected me for a good few hours of that day. I am not sure how much longer I can do this and put myself through this.
I feel like I am at a cross roads... Option 1. Carry on as I am going and give him time and space and perhaps he might change his mind and once the house is sold try and re-establish friendship. Then wait till either one of us wants to re-marry before divorcing as he will probably not initiate divorce till then. This is me in limbo relationship wise and while I am happy and carry on my life around me, there are certain aspects of my life that I can't really pursue as it would be unfair on the person I was dating and I'm not sure this is good for my mental health.
Option 2. Accept things as they are at the moment, and as they have been for a while - he doesn't want me and is living with someone else and I have to let go completely and move on. Push forward with the house sale and financial discussions etc. and when the time is right initiate divorce and be open to meeting new people and enter a proper relationship with no attachements or baggage.
Option 2 is the hardest for me to do. The thing with option 2 is that I have to say good-bye to my marriage completely because if I met someone else I feel it would be unfair to go into that relationship with the door open to my ex. Wow that is the first time I have ever written ex! Ok, that wasn't so bad...
Is there another option I haven't thought of?
I worked out the other day that I don't miss him; I don't mourn him. I mourn my marriage and having to break vows that are so dear and important to me. The thing is, I feel that if I initiate the divorce I can take some control of my life back and not feel trodden upon - this is a real change of feeling than before, waiting for him. I know longer feel like this would be 'making things easy for him' rather, I have some control of my destiny and where my life is going.
Don't get me wrong, I will continue to DBust and be friendly and respectful... but maybe move onto the last last resort technique. Not that divorce is much of a threat to him - maybe more of a relief!
I know the decision to divorce is up to me but I suppose I am journalling my thoughts. I just wondered if any one had seen anything I missed in terms of options?
(((Naej))) The cat is much better thanks. I think one more trip to the vets and then she should be tip top. I only told two people he had left for the first 3 months - even now my sister called him a 'd*ck' in a text, she is of course leaping to my defense but in my mind I immediately leap to his defence... he may well now be a 'd*ck' but once he was very special to me. She is only trying to help though, I know.
You know, I am really hard on myself if I view myself as 'not coping'. I'm trying to work out what that means. You are right I am going to try and be kinder to myself but still know that dwelling does me no good!
(((OD))) Wild horses will not stop me next week... although I've just realised that I have a potential funding meeting so... argh! Even so, we need to catch up! Let me know if you fancy lunch next week.
(((Saffie))) thank you for visiting! How are you?
(((Al))) I know what you mean, it is easier to just not. However, I know that meetings we have would be about house stuff until that is gone I don't know how we can meet neutrally. Although our last meeting was pretty much 'old friends catching up'. Plus we don't have mutual friends and he would not come out with my friends... I don't know how I could work that?
(((Mish))) I am resting mostly this weekend, seeing a friend tomorrow and catching up on housework. I am exhausted from this week - work has been manic, loads of important projects. My chairman described me as a 'tigress' which made me spit out my water with laughter - I quite liked it though perhaps not coming from him lol. I get a bit between my teeth and nothing stands in my way (maybe why I find it so hard to 'fail' and let go, I know I haven't failed with the marriage/ divorce thing though). On Sunday I am going to visit my new niece again with my family. But sleep is my priority.
Hee hee... I got a Valentine's card and a rose! From one of the guys I went on a date with. So exciting!!
I texted h yesterday and just asked if he fancied meeting up next week and he replied half an hour later saying yes, we needed to talk about the paper work. So we are going to have the 'split the proceeds of the house' convo this week - no day as yet. I did like the fact that he texted me back on Valentine's evening - had some element of satisfaction for me, although I don't really know why!
I went down to see my new niece today. She is so gorgeous!!!
Hope everyone is well. I have a busy week coming up and I am still exhausted! I also have a massive spot!! I hope it goes before I meet h. Anyone have any emergency remedies??
you sound great!!!! I just wanted to let you know that I am reading and sending you buckets of love!!
I use these special q10 face masks but I have to buy them online or in a chinatown type store... they come in an orange package with lots of japanese writing all over them. But q10 is a hot beauty ingredient in a lot of products these days, so probably a health foods type store would have something with it.
) I get to be god mother too.