Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

Well, new low down on my relations with XW. Received a call from her and she proceeds to tell me that she re-thought her decision about letting me stay with her. The initial decision was a surprise to me, even with the short allowable duration of stay, but this one was not a surprise. Hurt regardless, and made me sad, but the change of heart wasn't unexpected. At least it's now instead of two weeks into the stay, or two months like the last time when she asked me to move in and then asked me to leave.

Speaking with a good friend, who tells me that I call him because I always know he'll give me a good dose of the medicine that I know I need, he tells me that XW should NEVER have entered my mind as an option. He said that this will simply solidify my need to let go and move forward in my life. Get MY life sorted out and take care of ME first, instead of everyone else, because I am falling apart.

I love the fact that I have good friends who speak harsh truths lovingly. I'm not mad at XW. I'm mad at myself for being so blind and helping her with the expectation that she would reciprocate. I'm not mad about my helping her. I'm disappointed and mad at myself for placing expectations on someone who has had no problem showing me who she IS the entire time we've known each other, but I have always held to the vision of her as, what she CAN BE; what her POTENTIAL is. I recently saw a quote about an NFL coach talking to his quarterback, telling him, "Your 'potential' is going to get me fired." That's my feeling on XW's potential. I've placed too much importance on her because of my perception about her potential, which may forever remain a unrealized. Recipe for wasted time and heartache. Let go. Move on. Just do it! More clarity today. Feeling sad, but feeling better. Life moves on.