Hi Poet: I couldn't help but read what you last wrote to Laurie. I'm not sure what is going on between you and your husband, but I hope I can try to encourage you.
My husband left me out of the blue on August 21, 2006. He didn't talk to me for 1-1/2 years. A couple of times, I tried to email him with no response. I left a couple of messages here and there, still no response. If anyone should have not been talking it would have been 'me'. I chose to not fight or be angry. I cried a lot, but never to him. He filed for a divorce. I didn't fight with him, ever. I decided to be agreeable, always.
Anyway, Poet, last year, out of the blue, he called me! He called to ask a question about taxes and to tell me about hia buying a new condo. Now, he calls me every 2 to 3 weeks! He has his place. I have mine. But, Poet, he calls me and we talk and laugh. He called me on Christmas, he responds to me if I call him. We got together a couple of weeks ago, too. I love him so very much. I feel that I am taking care of him, even if it is from a distance. I will always remain hopeful.
Choosing not to do anything and to be quiet is still doing something. My H and I, by law, have been divorced a little more than a year. Do I want to remarry? I am working on it. It's teeny-tiny turtle steps, but I'll take today over two years ago any day!
So, Poet, hold on tight. As hard as it is, take time for you. Take it slow. Journal. Go for walks...or runs. Imagine the best happening and 'believe' that it will. Learn about yourself. Learn to be the best 'you' that you can be. Do things that you always wanted to do. I am doing that, too. Make small goals. Some days are easier than others--a rollercoaster ride. Just don't give up. Ok? Write to me if you want. I'll be here. K?
Dear Jojo, what an inspiring story. You are the epitomy of calm and patience. I need to learn from you. I am coming up to my one-year separation anniversary and all I see are obstacles, no hope. So you story is So important to me right now. Thank you so much for sharing. In case you want to read my thread and give any advice, I am at Infidelity (PM Thread 2/3).
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I checked out some of your past writings. You seem like you are a very giving, caring, and encouraging person. You have connected with a lot of people in this dbing community.
Sometimes, when I read about why people are here, it makes me sad. It shouldn't be. It seems crazy that this world has accepted 'd' and 'broken vows'. People shrug their shoulders, as if to say, 'oh well, he/she doesn't feel like it any more'.
I even had a friend (or whatever she is) say to me, 'you meant one thing in your vows and he meant something else when he said his vows. why can't you accept that?' I looked at her with astonishment ...'huh?'
I believe very strongly that 'Love' is an action word--it's a behavior. 'Love' is not a feeling. It's what we 'do'. People who believe that they have the need to decide things based on their changing 'feelings' will choose a very chaotic and unstable life. I want to line them all up and tell them 'shame on you' and give them a good slap!
Anyway ... on that happy note ... there isn't any excuse for your husband. His only excuse is like the rest of us--our sin nature. He's in a stupid place right now and probably not himself...and he's making stupid decisions because he allowed temptation to knock on his door, and he opened it. I'm jumping to conclusions. I really don't have all the facts, but when there is someone else involved, they opened the door.
God loves marriage and hates divorce. God wants to bless marriage. Staying married is God's will. I could go on forever about that. Don't give up and pray for your husband to wake up and fall in line with what God's will is. I will pray, too. Meanwhile, you sound like you are doing well at finding out what the best 'you' is. That's one of my goals. Don't let your H's kookiness ruin what you have to offer. Your 'acting as if' sounds awesome. 'Act as if', 'believe and feel' that all is going to turn around in a way that will best suit you and your H.
I can't wait until the time when he realizes what a kook he has been and he sees you. In the meantime, get ready for those moments. Envision the end result and believe in it. We don't know how it will happen...that's not our job...we just know that it will!
Happy Valentine's Day to my favorite dbing person ever!!! Big, Big Hug!!!! You're the best!
A Update:
I txt him yesterday...he txt back (right away!) He's been ultra busy, asked about how I am, I made fun of him in a fresh way, he kidded.
I wanted to continue, but I thought about being 'balanced'. I left his txt be the last. His last txt said that he was very busy, but he's just making enough to pay bills. I wanted to respond, but I just let it 'be'. I wanted to encourage and support him. Maybe he expected me to do that...I didn't...very difficult for me to stop there.
I'm glad that he kept bouncing txts back to me. I'm trying to take some balanced risks.
Anyhow...OH...I have gained 22 lbs. this past 1-1/2 years. I joined WW, and I'm glad that I did. My goal date is July 4 (20 weeks). I'll keep you posted.
Thank you so much for your post. When I first read it, I sobbed. I can't honestly say that I am even close to you emotionally. I've even just today melted down on the phone to his VM and he never called me back. (Long story).
Anyway, I keep hoping and praying that soon I will be able to let go completely. You are a great mentor, and I cherish the possibility of it.
Hi Poet: Thank you, too. Try to believe that God will carry you through. My friends from church really helped me in the beginning. I felt comfort surrounding myself with my friends who could listen to me cry. I spent many of my days off at my friends house drinking tea and cuddling up on the couch and watching DVDs. I put all of myself (and still do) into my work. I listened to tapes about God. I learned that it's ok to be grateful to God even when you don't feel like it. I started to visualize the best outcome I could imagine. I now visualize a beautiful day at the beach when I start getting panicky.
What else? Let's see, every moment connects each day together. Soon enough, I could concentrate and focus. I realized that I was surrounded by people who loved me and liked me for me. I realized that I loved and liked them, too. I realized that I didn't need my husband to feel filled up. I didn't need my husband to feel loved and to have a good time. I found out that I like that place. I didn't need my husband to like my life and feel happy. I just preferred being a wife. I think I'm a better asset to all of my relationships now.
Poet, don't give up! Cry if you have to. It's ok to cry. Cry until you don't feel like it anymore. Let people love you and care for you. I promise you that one day you will feel good about yourself and know that you can love and be loved. It is tough to realize it, but you will come out of the other side feeling whole and feeling good. One day when you are laughing out loud, you will surprise yourself.
I promise you. Take this time for you and don't give up.
Hi L: Did I tell you that I'm thinking about narrowing it down to a sentence or two?
My roommate said that I should continue staying distant. He told me that I should play the jealousy game. My roommate, V, told me that I should lead A to believe that I am having something with V. I would just lead him to believe...never actually say that I am. Mmmmm? I don't know.
Anyway, I keep hoping and praying that soon I will be able to let go completely. You are a great mentor, and I cherish the possibility of it
Hi Poet: I just got back from a nice brunch with my friends. I was wondering how you were doing? I re-read what you wrote to me.
I was thinking about what 'completely letting go' means to you. The other thing I was thinking about is being a mentor. I like to encourage people. It's too bad that you and I have to be in a situation like this that we both need mentors. Each stage has its challenges. I am looking forward to the stage where A, my H, and I are back together and I am dealing with that set of challenges. Each challenge seems eternal.
Make small attainable and possible goals for you and your H. No matter how small they are, when they are achieved celebrate them and write them down in your journal. It will happen. Keep me posted.
Anxious feelings rise up again. I read my recent adapted note to my mother. She liked it. What do you think?
I'm trying to 'take a little risk (yikes), be lighthearted, and be balanced (with A).
Hey, I was thinking that I’d really like it if you and I got together soon over lunch, dinner, popcorn…whatever…just for fun.
I know we both really enjoy our lives and the friends we have, but I think you’re a good guy! Plus, I just simply like being around you. I’ll buy, if you pick???? and, I kinda’ miss your foots, too. (inside joke...tellya later)
I think it's cute, but now my roommate says to stay dark. Before he told me to call him to arrange a night to talk. Go figure. My mother thought it was light. I'm going crazy.
Anxious feelings rise up again. I read my recent adapted note to my mother. She liked it. What do you think?
I'm trying to 'take a little risk (yikes), be lighthearted, and be balanced (with A).
Hey, I was thinking that I’d really like it if you and I got together soon over lunch, dinner, popcorn…whatever…just for fun.
I know we both really enjoy our lives and the friends we have, but I think you’re a good guy! Plus, I just simply like being around you. I’ll buy, if you pick???? and, I kinda’ miss your foots, too. (inside joke...tellya later)
I think it's cute, but now my roommate says to stay dark. Before he told me to call him to arrange a night to talk. Go figure. My mother thought it was light. I'm going crazy.
