I want to thank you all again. I need to feel whole again. I need to feel purpose and I need to feel the one thing I need to feel, love...reading up on some things, trying to think of new jobs i would like, but mostly thinking about my decision. I took down the picture my D17 took out of me and her mom, hugging and happy. I can't bear to look at it. Funny, never in a million years thought this would happen to me. Thought if I worked hard, gave everything of myself, i would also be rewarded. 4 years of absolute hell. Lost dad, good Job, huge pay cut, lost wife. I figure the five year deal will be divorce or something worse. but the flow is going the the gates are open and I don't think getting things heaped on me and taken away from me are even close to being over. Jesus had to carry his own cross, boy am I in touch with that feeling and fate. four years of carrying my cross, I am looking forward to the end....At least it will be over...He gave all of himself, life and soul for people who didn't even know him. He was persecuted, tortured and feared...I am n touch with that as well. I gave and give everything, I ask for nothing in return and I received it. I look at the picture of me and my Dad, and I cry. I miss him very very much...I look at the picture of my Mamere and I cry, I miss her very very much...I can't stomach looking at the picture of my wife....How did everything get so bad, how did everything get so wrong? Why am i feeling this way?
