Exposing at EA

[sandi2]

Dear Still Waters and Puppy, thank you so much for what you said. I am slowly coming around and seeing what the two of you have pointed out. Puppy knows that I was very strongly against exposing at first and I know now that it was out of my lingering guilt over my own EA. Still Waters, I did not mean to imply that you were to blame or that you were wrong in any of the stitch. I did not do a good job at writing the post and in fact, I thought I went back and deleted it b/c I knew it sounded so mixed up.....but apparently I didn't. Anyway, I appreciate what you had to say and help me see your side and your feelings. I do feel protective of elderly parents and guess I always have felt that way toward my grandparents and now my elderly mother b/c I know she doesn't handle problems as well as she did when she was younger, so I tend to want to shield and protect her. I have had to watch her age about ten years since she was told about my EA. But, that was my fault. I caused her pain and I have been blaming my H for telling her. I was not thinking of it being like lying to her by not telling her what was going on. I remember feeling that it was a private matter and that it should not include anyone else. Of course, my EA ended without ever meeting the OM in person or anything like that, but it still caused serious problems in my M. I was terrified that my grown children would find out and that I would lose their respect and what had taken a lifetime to build and instill in them would be shattered by my .........rather short-lived "craziness". Do you know that I went into that thing......I mean, I KNEW I was not doing the right thing by flirting and playing around, but I had never heard the expression of an emotional affair before I came here. I did not even think that that was what I was doing! That is how "out of it" I was! But, my H got my attention when he said that I had cheated on him and was unfaithful and had committed adulty in every way except the physical act. Then, this board got my attention and I knew I better get my act together. But, it was very hard and I realized and had to admit that I was actually addicted to the OM and all the ego food he was giving me. That EA was the fantasy that I hid in to get away from all the terrible stuff that was going on in my real life. So, I can identify with so much of the WAW's feelings b/c I had all of that. I even experienced what one might think of as a late MLC, if you can imagine that. But, I had those feelings and acted like some of the things I have read about. It embarrasses me to admit it. It hurts so badly when Puppy says that cheaters always lie. It is like a knife goes through my heart and I want to say, "But I didn't lie. Everytime he (my H)confronted me, I told him the truth". But the real truth is that I lied by withholding everything that was happening. So, you see guys, I am still having to deal with my own shame and guilt and it is the men on here that have helped me to see from your POV and helped me to learn and, I hope, to grow. As Puppy probably has read from past posts, my H would not go to counseling and he did not talk about things, so this was my therapy.....and still is. That is why I said that I have learned from reading what the men have said on the board.

The thing that I don't understand is why any of the pain that this affair has caused should be deflected back onto me. It was my W who had the affair and then lied, over and over, to me and her family. Will that damage her relationship with them? Yes. But that's not my fault. I firmly believe that it's always right to tell the truth. Allowing people to live in the dark to protect them, in my opinion, shows a lack of trust and respect for that person. That's the SAME reasoning my W used when she explained why she never told me about the affair. She didn't want to hurt me, she thought I'd rather not know. But really, she made it so much worse by not telling me.

I don't like the idea of protecting people from the truth. It never works in anyone's favor, because the truth always comes out sooner or later.

This really, really got me SW. If I said things the wrong way, ...and probably did,.....to make you think that I thought things deflected back on you b/c of what she has done......I did not mean it that way at all. I did not mean to paint you as the bad guy in the stitch b/c you certainly aren't. After you explained her family in this last post, I understand better how you were looking at them helping her and I see your love and concern for her welfare. However, I have seen families torn apart and also have nothing to do with the H involved after he exposed his W of the A. In some cases, the parents, especially, have a very hard time with it coming from the SIL. But, you know them better, so you have to use your best judgement. Also, I did not think of looking at disrespecting the parents by not telling them what was going on. Isn't it amazing how different people can think about things? But that is how we can learn from each other. In this case, however, I know that I was the student b/c I have learned from you and I do appreciate it. It still hurts and probably always will, but I want to think "right" about it and see what is the "truth" in how things should be done without putting my personal feelings into it. That is hard, but I will try. I am trying. It is facing the pain and huge disappointment that I know I have caused that is almost unbearable. If it had not been for God's grace and forgiveness.....and my H's love and forgiveness, I could not have contined to stay here and I'm not sure what I would have done....but I'm glad I did not have to cross that bridge. Even now, the tears are blinding me until I can barely see to type, but I have to deal with what I caused. To think what was such a short span of time out of my life and all the damage it did!!!

Anyway, SW, I pray that your wife can be helped and that she will find herself again. I do remember how horribly confused I was and the emotional roller coaster I was on. It is hell on earth even if some WAW's do not express that. I also pray that you will be happy and that however things turn out with the M, you can have peace in your life b/c the older you get, the more you realize that is about the most important thing to have.....is peace within your own soul.
Thank you for being so honest and so sweet in your response.

And, Puppy.......gosh, I don't even know where to begin with you....LOL. It was so very hard for me to see how a WAW could feel affection for a man that exposed her to everyone......and I know you and your W are still working on the MR....and always will as long as you live (as we all will). I want so badly for your M to be 100% successful! I think you know I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for staying around here. I was so afraid you were going to leave us......and look what you would have missed.

Well, I would not have written such a long post, but I know how much Pup loves them, so .......

Anyway, I'll let the two of you go for now....and thanks for the guidance.

Sandi