Enough with the math and rubbing it in my face you fools....
Anyhow, the plumber came and said my kitchen hot water heater was broken and sure enough it looked that way. So he replaced it and now there's a F----- leak from my water FILTER which he said he is not responsible for b/c.....um, he doesn't know those things....wth? Gotta go battle that poop now...
Oh AND there's a hole in my ceiling downstairs, that probably should be there to air out the water damage?? I guess....but sh--, and H will be here in a few hours and nope, the house is NOT clean and nope, I just got the water back on....so I'll be lucky to be clean and shave my legs. Forget about a wax...anyfoofoo--
Okay, what was I saying??? oh two things. First, ME. A teaching job may open up all of a sudden (after saying NO more hiring and "big staff cuts" and blah blah blah) but guess what? If you say you'll teach in a low income school, there ARE jobs...
So, I'm left with the question of why there's a job open like that, if there are no jobs? Could it be because I'll need a concealed weapon permit to go to work? Bear spray won't do anything if the students have 357s...yep, Mel, I'm starting to re-think this. I'm 5'3" on a tall day. But then, I do have my razor sharp wit and keen intellect to help me...??? College jobs are only part time, fyi.
Back to YOU...forget about the non-supportive friends. I do stand up comedy and the gig that got me the most work was my set on MLCs and WAHs and just how the whole lying thing becomes a sacrifice of THEIRS (as in "I wanted to tell you...but I didn't want to hurt you" OMG- PLEASE DO NOT MAKE LYING A NOBLE DEED) But my friend here saw zero humor and kept harping on the pain and darkness of it all.... and said I was using humor as "a coping mechanism for pain" YA THINK???? (well that's b/c beating the crap out of old people wasn't working for me anymore)...geez, isn't this happening to ME??? But But But... often there's a button in them that your sitch is pushing...
So as to your point about friends supporting you---My best friend here has not slept with her h for a couple years and they're too religious to divorce while the kids are young. So I had to listen to THIS expert tell me I was effectively being a slut & and being used....(I bit my tongue so often with her b/c I think she meant well, but reeeeaallllllyyyy )
so I finally said, "I don't know a man in the world who'll come back home b/c of the great sex he NEVER had..." and that helped her stay quiet PLUS I said, "this is a really personal decision and I think if I were to say "no" with finality b/c that is what h "deserves" then it would sound PUNITIVE to me...and that is not coming from a place of love." (And where does it get you? Fine, if you know you want a divorce. But as a tactic to reconciling it sure seems counter-intuitive to me).
Your friends are of two minds and only one is healthy; one type of friend wants you to set and enforce a healthy boundary and that friend is being healthy and thinking healthy and it's a good thing to do that.
The other friend wants you to punish your h, and feels your h "deserves" to be punished and though they may have a point, that is more about being "right/self righteous" and not about you being happy AND it's not your job to punish your h. Let God decide what he deserves and by the way, what do YOU deserve? You sound like a w who wants another round with H to really see if you can create a new, healthy and happier m with.....how is that a bad thing? But yes, the m you have now or did have, does have to end. I think you both know that part.
My pride comment was related to those types of people. And your h. He has had his pride very hurt (as have you) but for men and I KNOW THIS IS SEXIST but here it comes anyhow...for men, the whole sex act is partly a contest about performance.
So their pride gets hurt and gets in the way, and your h does have a temper and is a pouter anyhow. Which means he has little (and big) tantrums, as you are discovering. Sometimes he wants to hurt you and he acts on that. That ain't okay and it ain't healthy. But I think his mom IS telling him more than you know, as far as telling him to shape up, etc. She is likely telling him to stop whining about the A's if he is having one with OW, and even if he isn't, it sure looks bad. You know, dust yourself off buddy, move on. But yes, you also put your pride aside. As did I. If you had told me 5 years ago that I would put up with what I put up with (and some days I'm not sure I was right) and we'd still be M, I'd have said no way.
But that was my pride talking. You do have children to consider and if you can forgive, BOTH of you, and re-commit to your m, then your children will learn a great lesson. You'll leave them a legacy of what committment means, and unconditional love, and forgiveness which is always, always a part of true love and every lengthy marriage I know of. There was some heavy duty forgiveness going on at some point. Maybe, just maybe, You'll learn to see each other thru God's eyes. (That one part of the movie "Bruce Almighty" was truly poignant). OTOH, If you remain married in this craziness and the sadistic stuff keeps happening, you'll teach them a very different lesson. Yes, it IS about the kids. (Which = you too).
As Jackie Kennedy said regarding raising her children, "IF I screw that up, then nothing else I do will ever matter very much..." and I know in my heart that I'd never be able to look in a mirror if I had to think I'd done wrong by the kids for weak or selfish reasons...we do have to live with our choices. So far, I can honestly say I did what I thought was best for them. They know their place in my heart, and that's all I can do right now. BUT, the real dilemma, as you now know, is finding that line between the healthy boundary setting, and being punitive.There may be some overlap. I don't know. I DO know that at some point, one of 3 things will happen; a) it'll be obvious to you that it's over and you cannot ml with him and be a healthy woman OR, b) it'll be obvious that you are moving closer to each other and THAT will mean, by definition, that ow is out of the picture. c) If the gray area in between continues, then it'll be obvious that something unhealthy is happening. Make sense? Nothing else for me to do or say on that note.
Except for finding another plumber...gotta go, good luck!
Also, Mel, on the teaching thing-- seriously, how bad can it be for me to go to a "low income" school if they mean the ghetto, which they do....? I mean, my h is totally opposed to this. And sometimes I'm a little afraid myself. (And check for my email from faithfulh or brandnewday cuz they have it).
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I think you are gonna have to be my buddy through this. Sorry! LMAO because I am 5'3", too. NONE of my friends and even most of the people on this board believe he is sleeping with her. My gut says no, although I will say I do believe she has probably tried and hopefully been shot down. She is not a pretty woman. She looks like....I don't know what. 5'10 amazon woman, chunky, unkept. she is from hawaii but is not hawaiian, so something mixed. so it's hard for me to imagine. IF he is, he's doing her a favor. but that's just me being catty. okay, not really.
so. today i called base legal and talked to them a minute. i did manage to get an email where he confirms they slept in the same bed but he did not sleep under the sheets. email further down states that command knows about it and is okay with it. i am not going to do anything with it right now. i understand he is prolly still working through crap. that is fine. i don't think i should let it go to july though. i dunno. i would rather be married than right, yes. quit reminding me. but at least i talked to legal (did not give name). it was just a staff, but still, she helped. it's not proof, but she did say that people would be interested to see the email. i asked her about no contact order. she said to see security forces, to which i replied H is security forces. she says oh. so now at least she knows who the shirt is that is condoning it. i did call back 5 min later and confirm that they would not act on anything until i requested it. she agreed.
what i think would be ideal would be for a legal rep to call the shirt, talk to her, voice their concerns and let them know that while they do not want paperwork, they expect her to make the stitch right.
oh well. i am trying to step back right now but it is so hard with so many people telling me how stupid i am - that he is sleeping with her. i know that no one has called me stupid (here) but i still feel that way except that I friggin believe him. He said he does not want to be emotionally involved with anyone right now. He is enjoying his freedom hanging out with the boys, doing whatever he wants, he says. So anyway. The C believes him. His parents believe him. The problem is that none of my friends know him. We didn't have "joint" friends that we hung out with that could give me an objective opinion. Anyway. I will just wait to see the C on Monday, I suppose.
Don't have any contact for anyone on this board. Not complaining, but it makes finding you hard.
Talk to you later.
Melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
Maybe he hasn't then. That would obviously be great. Its at least a step in the right direction if he hasn't. My W says she hasn't either. But there is just so much pointing towards it, its hard to believe her. I know what you mean about wanting to believe its true. You want to believe the best in them and hope for the best. I know. I hope he hasn't and that he will come back to you soon.
I'm on FB to. But I don't have any pictures. I need to get those posted.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Hold on, now, what diff does it make if the separated spouse says they are not sleeping with OP, do you want to snoop and find out they are lying? Maybe, maybe not. If you were "normally married" I'd say by all means figure it all out. But you want to make the M work AND you are not "normally M" right now. If they say they are not sleeping with, at least it means they are not ready to say "Yes I'm having an A and love OP"....could be worse you know.
You know there are problems and you may or may not stay M....and since you are sep,...what the heck diff does it make right now? (Of course I'm not dealing with this, so I get that it's easy for me to just say this. )
My point is, however feebly expressed, that until if and when a recon is started, you're in a bit of a bind. You don't have any say in this, in a way. You already know you don't have "control;" everyone here knows that. But, since you are not M, in HIS eyes, and since he considers himself single, IT SEEMS...then why bother even thinking about it? Oh, b/c MAYBE he wants to sleep with you? And maybe that will lead to something else?
Then we're back to those "eventually obvious events" of him 1) wanting to be M to you (and acting like it), or 2) him moving on, or 3) him wanting it both ways. I mean, at some point one of these options will be self evident, unless it's the last option and YOU are in denial.
How about not going crazy until one of these things happens, and not obsessing about OW anyhow? For a week or a day, just not freaking out. And no way do I buy that the shirts know what's going on and said it's okay...no way.
"Best case" for his career scenario, is that he told them you are separated and therefore, none of this matters. The military does NOT make a distinction, and says you are either M or not, UNLESS there is a court order saying something to the contrary and granting specific rights to custody or support. Of course unofficially, who knows what he's being told or telling them? But officially, no way is he getting the go ahead...and regardless, he's probably being frowned upon b/c it's embarrassing to have an E-7 having any wacky personal family drama...
Honey you need to chillax some. I wish we could do the FB thing or email.
And there are peeps here on FB but I wish they'd let us send private messages and make this moot. Not everyone wants everyone to know their email or fb, but to have it be ALL or nothing is UNhelpful. I mean, I'd like to post to some people here but not all, and now we cannot even post private messages so we're sort of stuck. If we publish the email we get booted.
MODERATORS--can you help us out somehow? Can we contact YOU and ask you to make a contact for us? I'm at a loss as to how to support someone privately, if I can't post my email, but I respect the point about not making it totally public to all DBers...
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks. I know I need to chillax. It's so hard because when the freakout Mel is here, she has a hard time. It's a cycle she gets caught up in and it is hard to separate from. Printing out the email and at least just calling base legal made me feel better somehow. That at least I do have maybe 10% control over the stitch. Even if it is only 5%. Not that I have to exert that little bit. But there are options. Just knowing that and being more aware of them is huge. I don't know why.
Your three obvious signs. To me, right now it is #3, but there are also things supporting #1, and things supporting #2. Which leads to #3!
I don't think I am going to push knowing more right now about their R. I don't think. But if something happens or if something gets said, then yes, I will push. I believe him, but it just amazes me that he really truly believes that as long as they haven't had sex, then it's "okay".
How bad can an inner city school be? Concealed carry license/weapson was admittedly the first thing in my mind, except that how often do those people die by their own weapon? I think you are smarter than that, but...have seen cop rack the slide (load round), drop magazine (empty gun, (oh wait!! except for the round in the chamber)), and practice shoot self in leg. In my back yard. Friend. So....yeah. Will admit he's not as sharp as you though. On the other hand, if the kids like you, it could be okay, but please realize they are going to push you to the absolute edge. You may be hanging on to the edge by your fingernails.
Why are you wanting to do this?
Melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
I don't think he is sleeping with her. He is just helping her out. I agree it's inappropriate, but I'm done with it. After today, I am done with it.
It comes down to that he doesn't think he can ever trust me again. It comes down to that when he looks at me, that's all he can think of. He is disenchanted with the idea of marriage in general. Because there have been two As and he feels like no matter what I should have made better choices. And he's right. But I can't change that. I can change the future. But he just doesn't want to be married to anyone ever again basically.
I've already put in for a personal day tomorrow. I should go to work, but I am tired and I have class this whole weekend, so it is almost like working two weeks straight with no break.
I'm at the end. He finally said he was going to start working on the paperwork. I don't know if he will or not.
So, 25, certified to provide legal services in NM?
Melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
"You have to do what you have to do. Nobody can sit on the sidelines and make their opinions right for you. I think feelings have more to do with it than “right” and “wrong.”
I don’t think two wrongs will ever make a right. And spite is never right.
I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anything work out clean and neat to everyone’s satisfaction.
I probably would not have picked him for you, but on the other hand he is not a bad choice, either. I know you all have had some good times, too.
Would he still be sitting in the middle if he had to sell the house? Seems like this is having your cake and eating it, too.
As I recall, he was dating a dog before he met you!
Odds are that both of you will NOT be the bigger person.
Getting through school is your main objective and I’d sure try to keep that focus in spite of everything.
Don’t worry, you have done no wrong and we don’t need to know all the details. We love you! I will most likely not continue texting, but I did tell him those were the first presents we bought back when it was hot and to not set anything on fire. He said he’d try not to and that was all. Am LOL because he probably doesn’t want to talk to me VERY much! And I can guarantee your dad doesn’t want to talk to him at all!
I will repeat, if you haven’t talked to a lawyer, you probably ought to just to know your rights.
AND, this is just MY opinion. Please know that we love you. Period. And you can be honest with us because we love you and understand that it is not our right or job to pressure. WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!
Mom"
I want to not care what he wants/does anymore. I wish it didn't affect me the way it does.
I don't want to be hurtful or spiteful towards him, but I do want to live a brutally HONEST life. So if he is fine with whatever I do then great. If not, he can GetTheFOverIt.
No more calls. No more emails. No more sex no matter what. (You were right, I wasn't strong enough. Or, I was, but when he said "if we work this out" I believed him.) DAW with a DAM anyway.
I may be in the poor house now, but next year, when this degree is final, I will be perfectly fine. Really. More than fine. Not great, but good enough, and better than most.
I want to keep coming back here, and I'm sure I will, but I don't think I'm going to be here as much. It keeps me wrapped up in everything and I need to be moving forward. I have tons of studying to do, and I need to focus on that.
I love you all so much.
25, you should join fb. my hometown, uvalde, tx has a group on there that anyone can join. it's amazing what all is on there!
gotta take a break. I appreciate everything ya'll have done for me. I know I am a better person for the experience.
Melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
but that's just me being catty. okay, not really.
but i still feel that way except that I friggin believe him. He said he does not want to be emotionally involved with anyone right now. He is enjoying his freedom hanging out with the boys, doing whatever he wants, he says. So anyway. The C believes him. His parents believe him. The problem is that none of my friends know him. We didn't have "joint" friends that we hung out with that could give me an objective opinion. Anyway. I will just wait to see the C on Monday, I suppose.