Thanks, I told you that is where I am now on my "walk" with Him. I am in the pasture and I want to stay a while, He doesn't want to sit, He does want to move and walk. Maybe we aren't hearing anything because that is what He wants, silence, to listen. I don't know.
Yeah Trapt, I can name a few things I like about myself, but as you read I am locked onto her and you are dead on, I am waiting and watching for the crash.
Faith is what I have been going on since I went back to Church. I have no hope any more, I have no desire and I have nothng. Fear of loneliness. Let me tell you a little story of a little kid who had open eye surgery at the ripe old age of 5. Let me tell you how this little boy was in the hospital recvoering for two weeks, during Vlalentine's Day. My only real compardre was a little boty who had cancer. One night after bveing there a week, he died. I was all alone in my room for the rest of the time. My hands were bond to the rails to keep me from touching my eye. Place that picture in your mind. Oh, by tyhe way, my mother can tell you i speak the truth, my memory is nothing short of unbelievable. Fast forward to age 6. Patch over the good eye so the operated eye could get stronger. Made fun of, laughed at and abused by the older kids. No one defended me, not even my older brother. Spent the summer int he corner of the backyard bymeslf and my GI Joe's. fast forward, first year of high school. My badass reputation proceeds me and I am in a fight every single day for the first month of school. the school wants me to go to therapy for what they deemed a violent disorder. My father laughed at them.
I wasn't a bad ass, I wasn't a tough guy, I just needed to fit in. finally I did, graduated, national honor society, one of the most popuklar kids in school and a beuatiful girlfriend that eventually became my wife,
I have fought all my life to not be the one thing I had been for so long, alone. I hate it and always seem to end up that way. And i don't just mean alone, no one around, I mean like I could be in a football stadium full of people and could feel alone.
It is very hard not to have this fear, as it has been with me all my life. Sometimes I use it, like now. I lock myself out and deal with everything like no one else exists, that there is only me to deal with it. I cannot detach in a healthy fashion from her. I walk a very sharp edge, There is no middle of the road. I love her too much not to care for her and I love her too much not to just let go. Which I am doing as of 6:20 PM yesterday. My texts never should have happened. I should have never answered it. I should have done my taxes, washed my hands and given her an oh well. But timing was everything. Do I beleive the devil gave me the strength to text vomit her my intimate feelings of what she has done to me, no I don't . Do I believe god gave me the strength to get that outt of me, yes. Because I could have been cruel, nasty and very very mean. I wasn't. I told her, heap it on baby, just keep dumping on me and you know what, it still won't hurt as bad as what you did to me.
Faith is the belief in something when logic is completely defied. Fact. My life. No logic for anything I do anymore, just my Faith. Without it, I am not sure what I would have done to myself. 103 broken bones in both hands, do the math.
I don't think there will be a healthy detachment as you call it. I will detach now the way it needs to be done. My way, God's way, whoevers way. It hurts and it is tearing my mind and soul apart right now. But at least I am doing something, I am doing what I need to do to survive. I am not a selfish person, I am not a mean person and I am no longer a vindictive person. I am me, just a man who needs to be heard and seen. How bad is it that all I can see now in my time with her is how long and how many times has she cheated on me? How sad is that. I cannot shake those thoughts, because when I hear her voice, see her face, get a text or hear about her, its what I think of. i have no memory of goodtimes with her anymore. i hjust told you my memory is unreal. I remember drowning at the age of 3. 3!!! Yes my cousing pushed me into Pillings Pond and I remember it all, my mother crying, my father beating on my chest to get the crap out of my lungs, seeing him jump in the water to find me and I was under the dock. God was with me that day because for no reason, my father turned back to the dock reached underneath and pulled me out. I can remember all of that at 3 and drwoning, but I cannot remember any good times with her anymore, noe....Now do you see where I am, do you see why I have to take this journey, God does, He is with me, He is taking me away from this in my mind. I have the images I see the spaces and the surrounding terrain where we are. It is very nice and quiet, no rushing, nobody wanting anything from me. Just me and him, thats it, Alone again, naturally!!!
I have only few things I need to focus on now. they require me to focus:
D17 and her path towards the wrong side of the tracks. I know how to deal with this I was there and I will handle it the way my dad did. But I need to stay on top.
My Grandbabies. Well thats that, they are my grandbabies, they love their Sampy (yep only sampy in the world). I need to spend more time with them. we have sleep overs. They are the best.
My son. I need to spend time with him. He is confused about life. He has no clue. He is getting married, heading to Irag in 2010 and he is scared. I hear it in his voice. I need to spend time with him.
My D29. Well she is my pet, Daddy's girl. Int he dictuionary under Daddy's girl is me and her. She has taken this hard and is dealign with a lot. she is drinking a little more andhas slowed at my request. I need to spend time with her and her husband and show them I am ok.
D21, just moved back in and I need to have a h=night a week with her. Just us.
My hjouse, who's house doesn't need work.
A new and better job, me and 3/4 of the country.
Bills, bills, bills....
I have not given these issues my full attention. Iget by, but as you said I am more focused on the crash. Amy can tell you I have been for a while.
Quiet and calm, happy and thoughtful. I try very hard to be these things. But these are not things I used to have to try and be, that was who I was. I am a better person today. i will be a better person tomrrow. But I can't keep looking to the horizon for a new day without her. i ned to kick this habit and I have only one choice, fill the hole. I need to be the MAN!!! I need to do what I have always done, take control when the sh%^ hits the fan, grab the mop and clean up the mess, no whining, no compalining and no worrying about it. Get it done and down and move on.
Does God want my marriage to survive, yes, I believe He does. do I? Not righ t now I don't. I don't care anymore. Its like leaving a toy you used to love outside and letting it sit through the winter on the ground. When spring comes and you find it, you say there it is , oh well, and toss it. because you just don't care about it anymre. I knew this was going to happen to me. I tried and prayed for it not to. But I knew, even before one of her friends said to me "We are all afraid of it getting to the point of no return" I said" You mean her not wanting to come back" and they replied "You not wanting her back"
this is not Satan planting whispers in my ears, it is my survival. to get out of this I must leave it behind, kick it to the curb. If it is God's will and meant to be, then it will be either way. Io know what I know and I know how I feel. i am not bitte or angry, hateful or spiteful or maliscious. I am tired, I am in pain and I am done waiting for nothing. Soemone asked me what I would have to offer her if she decided to come home....My reply was nothing...I have nothing to offer her other than me, and if that was not enough, bye....
Like I need to have something for her to come home to, some prize, some millions, a new house a brnad new car...I have nothing...But you know what, she left me with less than that. I am at zero. I am not in the red or in the black, i am balanced, at zero. this is the better question, what does she have to offer me of she comes home....Picture my answers and none of it is good. She is more worldly, sleeping around, has become frugile, she is broke, has more carefree ideals, she's a drunk, has more enrgy, doesn't do anything...But remmeber, all this is my fault....No matter how you slice it, old LD is at fault.
3 days of reflection, 3 days of quiet reserve sitting alone in a hotel room. Working my ass off 10-12 hours a day at a trade show. Not wondering at all about her, but about my girls at home without me. She knew I was traveling. Stopped over on a wednesday onthe way to OMs house and had coffee with D21. Who basically pushed her out the door saying she had someplace to go. Never showed or called after or before that. I called every morning, every afternoon and every night and if i didn't get a hold of them I was frantic.
Yep, I got nothing...Nothing at all...Responsibility of a father, friend, companion, brother, uncle, son and self. Yep nothing...Cool hand Luke, somtimes all you need is a whole lot of nothing....
I know this talks in circles, but it is why i have chosen to kick this. Like DIL said, maybe this is the attitude you shuld've had all along...who knows. Haven't heard from W since my last text. DIL was crying when I read it to her. she said if that didn't pierce her heart, nothing will. My lawyer is telling me to hold off before doing or filing or even considering anything. He too has told me to give this to God, close your eyes and walk away. i am doing just that. Unfortunately I know me, and I know what that means....
