WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 2

[Coach]

which is what her principle issue was for the divorce - that I ignored her and made her feel unimportant).

So make her feel important. What are her "love languages?"
You have recieved the keys to loving your W. Make her feel like she is the most important person in the world. Listen, make a connection, validate - means you understand her feelings, point of view, issue, concern and needs and you tell her, and stop controlling. Listening is one of the most loving gestures you can do for another. Detach and view your interactions as a outsider - look in the fishbowl at yourself.

[volleydog]

Guys,


The part I am really struggling with in my mind is that in the past, she would give me these signals (i.e. resting her legs/feet against mine) and I would ignore them or worse ask her to move them. That was one of the issues as in the beggining, when she did that, I would give her a massage or rub/carress her. I don't want her to think I was just ignoring them again now. How do I balance that?

Let her keep them there but don't do anything else maybe just touch them to acknowledge that it's ok. Don't be an a$$ (not saying you would be) treat her nice.

I guess another confusing point last nite was that the mid way through the nite, she moved the pillow that was between us - back when we would use to spoon in bed. I didn't try to hug her or anything like that, but did notice it. It is the first time in a couple of weeks it wasn't between us. I'm sure it was just an accident, but thought it was interesting.

Stop over thinking things. I know it's hard I do it all the time but it WILL drive you nuts trying to disect every little thing as "what does this mean".

[MrBond]

In terms of meeting her love languages, I'd only do that if she's comfortable enough. You start filling her love buckets too quickly she'll think it's not sincere and still bolt.

Slow and positive. If she puts her leg on you, just pick it up and start massaging without asking like it's no big deal. If she jerks away, then you know you read her action wrong.

Right now it seems like she's giving in to you because she feels bad for putting you in this sitch and the last thing you want is for her to pity you.

[confusedinpa]

So make her feel important. What are her "love languages?"

We actually took that "test" a couple of weeks ago - 2 weeks after she filed for the divorce. For both of us, touch was the highest. A tie for second was quality time and verbal. All 3 were very closely "scored".

Unfortunately for me, I had thought her's had been service and gifts for the last several years, which is what I had been focusing on. My big mistake. Both of those where almost nil for both of our scores.

The toughest one for me is touch, which you can tell from all my posts of hugs and kisses and massages/caresess. What kills me is she tells me if I had done that 4 months ago, she would have melted, now she it doesn't do it for her.

Our Quality time has been during dinner we talk and I've been trying to enjoy life, we watching Lost together (something she had said she tried to do in the past but I expressed no interest) and when we go to bed, we do talk as we are falling asleep.

The verbal is I tell her when I think she looks nice or if I enjoy a meal that she prepares or if she is wearing the perfume that I really like. I also try to look into her eyes while listen to her emotions (versus her words) while she's talking so I can validate/empathize with them. Before when she would talk, I would just say ok without even looking at her.

I'm trying to fill the love buckets, I must remind myself it's will be 5 weeks as of tomorrow. It's still early......

[confusedinpa]

Stop over thinking things. I know it's hard I do it all the time but it WILL drive you nuts trying to disect every little thing as "what does this mean".

I think the big reason why I am so overthinking things now is that I am getting really frustrated and want to give up. I know it sounds bad and desparate but I'm just looking for something that will give me some hope/reason to continue. I know I need to do it for the kids, but at the same time, I am getting to the point where I feel I don't deserve to be treated this way (which is I'm sure how she felt when she filed for divorce). I know she knows it's driving me crazy - she said it last nite as that's how she was feeling all these years.

I can't blame her for giving up as I've only been at this for 5 weeks. She's been trying for years.

Its so hard to hear that she is proud of my changes and sees how I'm a better person for it, but can't see past the pain/hurt to still want me as a husband - which is what she said on Monday just prior to the counseling session.

My therapist/our counselor, said that what's confusing with her is that my wife cries (albeit really briefly - a minute or so) when she talks about the pain/hurt. She says most wifes who want a divorce is very cold and talks about the pain/hurt with no emotion or is angry. She feels that there is still a chance (albeit small), but keeps trying to remind me that it may take time for her to get really engage the anger. She also is worried about how long I can keep this up as she's picked up that I'm getting mad/frustrated.

It's sooooo confusing.

That's a big reason why I have such severe mood swings during the day. During the week, when I'm home, I'm able to hold it together and keep a positive mental attitude (which I think is confusing her as well). The weekend is a lot harder, as during the week I can post and get support from everyone here. Plus we are together so much that it's a constant reminder of what at stake - whether I'm with the kids or we are all together or it's just my wife and I.

I do appreciate everyone's support and encouragement.

I know some of you are getting frustrated repeating the samethings to me, but please believe me that it helps as it's part of the constant reminder for me as far as what to do.

Thanks

[MrBond]

That's why you need to stop filling her buckets. It just doesn't work now because it's too late. Wait till you're at a much better position with her.

Just concentrate on you and not on what she or how she should be acting because of the things you do.

Like you said, you've only been at this for 5 months. Try 2 years like some of the others around here. Trust us when we say that it will get better for you.

[confusedinpa]

If she puts her leg on you, just pick it up and start massaging without asking like it's no big deal. If she jerks away, then you know you read her action wrong.

That's what I had started with, rubbing and massaging it without asking. She seemed to like it. That's when the sensual oil candle came up.

I have a feeling you are right about her feeling sorry for me. That was one of the things we talked about last Thurs nite's when she pushed me to blow up. I told her she was just trying to keep the peace instead of trying to find a reason to change her mind. My mistake. That's another reason why I had such a rough weekend. I let her push me into a fight about the relationship.

That's why I was so surprised at her comment on Monday of how proud she was of my changes, but it could be just her way of letting me down easy. I know, I'm overanalyzing it.

Sigh.....

[spellfire]

I agree on "giving with the expectation to get something back" point. This is called a covert contract. Get "No More Mr Nice Guy" and read it and you will learn all about this. If you have ignored her in the past, and doing things for her is a 180, then just do it and give something to the woman you love without expecting some kind of reciprocation, or even appreciation in return. The time will come when she is ready to give to you, but for now take this time as an opportunity to learn how to truly give without expecting reciprocation. You need to break these covert contracts, they are simply R killers.

With regards to how to go about it, here is my personal opinion. Either do it or don't, but be decisive. Women want a man who is decisive and resolved, not someone who is uncertain, lacks confidence, and beats around the bush (taking temperature all the time is a symptom of this). If you read a sign from her, just decide. If it is something that involves intimate physical touch, ask her straight out "would you like x". If she says yes, say no more and just do it. Always stand behind your actions with conviction. If she says "wth are you doing?" say "oh sorry I thought you might like x" and then stop like it's no big deal. Don't act all hurt and rejected, that is very unattractive (and yes I am guilty of this, but I'm working on it).

If she ever does the same - reaches out with her legs/feet to rest against my legs, should I just ignore them until she says something? How do I acknowledge it?

The answer to your question is, how do you WANT to handle it? Don't worry about her, think about you. Do you want to give her a massage? Then simply offer. If you just like her resting on you, then go with it.

[spellfire]

If you are mad/frustrated she will sense it. That is why you must do what is so counter-intuitive right now, focus on you. Everyone here keeps telling you that, but you continue to tell stories about how you approached her, and how she reacted. You have finally stopped temperature taking, which is good, so you are making progress, but from this thread it sometimes feels like trying to turn the titanic. If you want to avoid that iceberg you gotta really let go of your ego and absorb what people here are trying to get across. Believe me, this stuff works.

Try going back to the beginning of your situation and re-reading your story yet again. See if there is anything that you weren't ready to absorb, or overlooked. Allow yourself a pat on the back too. Not everyone is willing to fight so hard for their M, or willing to truly look at themself and change like you have. Be proud of yourself, you are growing.

Has the anxiety eased at all? I sincerely hope so given the path you are on now. Of course it wont be completely gone, but it should have subsided enough for you to get control of yourself. If not, go on back to GAL. Set some goals for yourself perhaps. I made a list of 20 goals on Jan 1, and they are all GAL items for me. So far I have done about 3 of them. It helps a lot and W will notice (not that it should really matter if she does).

Hang in there. Keep making life fun and relaxed for your W, then she will feel comfortable and may eventually truly open up to you.

[confusedinpa]

Everyone here is always a voice of reason, hope and calm in this sea of chaos I'm in. My wife on her facebook page put down last Thurs - why does life have to be so complicated. I couldn't agree with her more.

I managed to achieve a calm and enjoy life attitude as I got home after picking up my son from school. My wife came home and I didn't offer a hug or a kiss. We had a nice dinner and talked like we had the last couple of weeks.

She brought up that her friend wanted to go to happy hour for my wife's B'day next week. I said that sounded fun (last year I got all mad about it since that was the day I had just come back from a weeklong trip). We then talked about how we hadn't gone to happy hour since our second son. I asked her if she wanted me to just pick up both kids or if she wanted me to go and leave early to pickup the kids or if she wanted to ask her mom to pick up both kids.

She said that I could go and go when it was time to pick up the kids since she wanted to ask her mom to watch the kids that Sat so we can go out for her Bday and celebrate a late Vday as well as on Mon so we can both go to counseling. I said that sounded like a good plan. Now I'm thinking I should just not go and let her have the space. I'm sure I can figure out how to get out of it.

We then talked some more and I wound up giving her a hug from behind and kissed her on the neck. We swayed a little while we did that the she turned and asked me to crack her back with a hug.

I know I have to keep up a postive attitude and keep on enjoying life. I do resolve to pick up one of your books tomorrow

Thanks for all your encouragement and advise!