I made it to the roundhouse; now which way?

[Little Engine]

PHX2--a lot of what you say speaks to me about her and wanting to be free of the hold she has on me. I guess I want her to in some way feel the amount of pain she has inflicted upon me and our children. Part of me is looking back at my own Beaver Cleaver-esque childhood and thinking if it had been a little tougher for me, maybe I would be better able to deal with the reality of the situation. Not that I wanted my parents to D because they had a sound marriage, I just never was presented with anything other than a "go to work, pay your bills, love your family and everything is easy" mentality.

My S did not want OM coming to his game, but D said it was OK. So XW poses the question to them? If she thinks that it might be a problem for them, then why not spare their feelings and not even make it an issue. But, this is how she has done it from the get go. A co-worker said that this behavior now is what will damage her reputation with them later. They will remember the tension she made them feel. I am not in some competition with her for their love, I just want them to not have to worry about the consequences of what might happen if they go against her wishes.

I have been buying clothes for them as much as I can. D threw this in W's face, saying "Daddy takes me to Gap and you only buy me Wal-Mart stuff." I don't want D having a sense of entitlement, and I took her there to buy her some nicer clothes to wear to church and for going out for dinner. XW sees this as some sort of game as well. The issue arises when it is time to go home and they are wearing stuff I bought and then it never gets back to me. Last weekend D stripped off her clothes in the entry and tossed them back to me. I hate that as well. It is all just a game.

I do avoid long exchanges with XW, and you are right, it isn't co-parenting, it is parenting separately. She has had OM--twice married/twice divorced--there coaching her every step of the way on how things should be and she has happily gone down this road. I still have to think she is going to wake up one morning and realize the only thing that changed is the guy in the bed next to her and everything else is no better, but worse.

I can't say that I want her back as that feeling is fading quickly, I just want to know that she isn't getting off scot free for her part in all of this. Maybe that comes later when OM wises up and takes off, but hopefully not when S gets in trouble for something like drugs at school or D comes home at 14 and says "Mom, I'm pregnant." Just seeing the physical changes in S and how he carries himself, I can sense the heartbreak going on inside of him. D is somewhat distant with me and reluctant to talk on the phone. It all hurts so damn much and there is nothing more I can really do at this point.

Thanks for the advice and sharing. It is already better than it was, and I can see a light coming from somewhere.