\My wife is going to leave me in 5 days--help!

[AFWAW]

They are in her name. She may have treated me like this during my marraige but she has chosen this path and my 180 is to not let her do it anymore. I think I have entered my anger phase! Cleaning up the house has made me this way--what a mess. She didn't even care! Something is not right with her. God knows I love her but if we get back together and I still hope we do, we are going to need more counseling. %##$%$##$%^&$%$%$%!!!!!!

[spellfire]

You don't have to get angry to stand up for yourself. Please read "Hold on to Your N.U.T.S." It outlines setting boundaries quite well.

[AFWAW]

ok, thanks for the tip. I'll go check it out tomorrow.

[Mellenmack]

Not cleaning the house while you are gone is not necessarily a sign of not caring. It can also be a sign of being overwhelmed. I couldn't stand the dirty house, but I was perfectly happy to let the kids eat chicken nuggets, pizza, mac&cheese, or hot dogs every night. Not healthy, but it's what I did.

John, I will check up on you and your stitch from time to time, but I am going to try to check out of here for a few days. Today was bad. And it's not gonna get any better anytime soon. And I'm tired of caring. I'm burned out. He claims he is disillusioned with marriage in general. Okay. Whatever. Says he is going to start working on the paperwork for D. Whatever. I cried til I have nothing left.

Everyone knows that the As were NOT reflective of me. I am not an irresponsible person. I pay my bills on time. I am an honest person except when it came to the As. But I suppose that is hard to recognize. He can stay wrapped up in it if he wants. But I need out and he is not going to drag me back down that tunnel.

Eglin. My professor just moved there. I'm not sure if she is teaching at the ed center on base or what. She was so excited to be moving to the beach and I don't blame her. Something about the water. I jokingly told her to kiss her stuff when she got there and was unpacking. "Why?" "You know, kiss it goodbye!, for the next hurricane!" She laughed. That is what I like about Fairhope/Point Clear. It is up in the bay in Alabama. Which doesn't protect it a bit I know, but still. It's not a complete and total direct hit like Gulf Shores would be.

Good luck, bubba, and I will keep checking on you.

Melissa

[AFWAW]

Melissa,
Thanks for posting. Hope that you have a good couple of days away from here. My wife is supposed to come over tonight for a sleepover with me daughter. I have cleaned the common areas, have candles going and am doing my best to remain calm. Talked with the counselor by myself today. She asked me a lot of questions about the wife and said she was very confused by the actions my wife has and is taking recently. Like the stripping for me on webcam on a daily basis within the last two weeks. Like the fact that she does not pray and does not want to prayed for. She said it's almost like she's done something she doesn't want to be forgiven for and doesn't think she will be forgiven for. And the way that she is taking all the bills and has talked about her understanding if I date while we are seperated. The MC asked if I thought my wife would speak to her alone. I said maybe if you asked her next session. I am calm tonight. I don't like this at all but am trying to remain calm. I think I am finally over my jetlag. I will not breakdown tonight. I will not hover over my wife. I will not talk about the future. I will not talk about the relationship. If she chooses to talk to me, then I will just listen. Other than that, I don't know what else to do.

[spellfire]

You are doing the right thing, keep it up and keep us posted on how it's going.

[SRTTF]

Just wanted to check in with you and say hi

[AFWAW]

So weird. She came over last night to spend the night with my daughter. We all watched a movie together and then she started asking about how it went w/ the MC. I was very vague and told her very little. I think that if the MC confronts her w/ some of this stuff, she won’t come back to the sessions. She asked for a hug and then started kissing me and said she needed a shower, did I want to join her. Strictly non-sexual though, just hugging and kissing—drove me nuts. She kept saying, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, I’m not moving back home. On the way into the bathroom, she saw how clean it was and started crying and held me and said how she was a POS because she didn’t keep the house clean when I was gone. She said I wasn’t going to want her back when she’s ready to come back. I said I understand you were overwhelmed. She said no that wasn’t an excuse. After the shower we laid down and she talked about how she didn’t care about anything anymore, since my son had run away in HS was when it started she said and she just wanted to be by herself. She seems so depressed and self critical. I gave her compliments when I saw her body last night—wow, she looks incredible but she deflects every compliment given saying no, I’ve still go cellulite, still need to lose more weight, yada, yada, yada. We cuddled bascially all night. She told me this was the last time she was doing this as it wasn’t fair to me and she didn’t want to give me the wrong impression. Woke up this morning and was the best sleep I’ve had since I’ve been home—which isn’t fair! She got up and started talking about bills. Busted out her laptop and started going on about what needs to be paid, etc. Told me she is going to have to buy all new stuff and started surfing for pots and pans, etc. Asked if she could borrow the truck to move the formal living room furniture—told her I didn’t want it if she was leaving as she purchased it and would need a place to sit. I asked her how she could be so businesslike and she said she didn’t know. Felt myself getting upset so I got up and went to the other room. At the suggestion of the MC, I had gotten her a card and a small box of chocolate. The MC also said to write a note and stick it inside so I did. I basically said, I don’t know how we got to the point we are at. I would like to apologize for how I’ve reacted and while I don’t understand and will not try to understand I love you enough to want you to be happy. So, I will respect your choice if that is what you think will make you happy. I do hope you find happiness; I really want you to believe that. Then at the end I asked her if she wanted to go to dinner and to let me know either way (this was the MC’s idea). She accepted, although we’ll see if she really goes. She kept going on today about how she just wants to be alone and doesn’t want anyone and is just so apathetic about everything. She just wants to live, work, and socialize. So strange and so uncomfortable. I honestly think she is depressed and thinks this is the only way out. Like she is a detriment to me to stay here? At this point while I am really, really hurt, I am more confused than anything. Something is not right in her head and while I would love to take care of her, she would tell me again that I had my chance and she doesn’t want my help. Everyone she has mentioned and everyone who I've talked to have tried to reason with her to no avail. Really, really dissappointing. Trying to be cool but really hard to do so when she is so business like.

Any thoughts??? I am really perplexed...

[AFWAW]

bump

[Mellenmack]

John,

As someone who as been there and acted almost exactly as your wife....something happened while you were gone that I believe she feels immense guilt over. I felt the same way. I had to leave him because I felt so damn guilty and never believed he would forgive me.

I still think she needs her space a little, too. I think whatever happened, happened because she was totally overwhelmed with responsibility. She doesn't believe you will forgive her and everything she had to do when you were gone is still fresh in her mind. What I wished....was the H would have held me, asked me the question, or let me get around to telling him, I'm not sure, and kept holding me and forgiven me. I want a love like that! Maybe write her a letter and tell her what you think may have happened? Maybe that it seems like she feels guilty about something, and that if she is, no matter what, affair included, no matter with who, you forgive her (if that's true). That you can understand how overwhelmed she was, and that you aren't sure you could do any better if it would have been her gone....I dunno. I would talk to the MC about this.

Melissa