Well, I'm getting more and more things put away, but getting settled has consumed my time as of late, so I haven't been doing much for myself except for allowing myself to collapse after going through boxes every night. At this point, small victories are the best thing for me.
I sent XW an e-mail yesterday thanking her for picking up the Valentine's Dance tickets for D and I for Friday then I mentioned what we have to finish financially in order to be through.
She wrote back and did preface by saying she wasn't trying to "piss me off" but she was going to be "straight-forward and blunt." Well, needless to say, she was very bitchy and accusing me of purposly changing the mortgage behind her back in order to decieve her and avoid paying the full mortgage. She complained that my lack of payment caused us to not make any profit on the house and said I owe her $1150 for her half of what we "would have made if I hadn't been "decietful" w/the mortgage and had kept up w/my "court ordered" payments of the mortgage and property taxes.
She also said we should try to work out the pension information w/out the 3rd party between us to save the cost and lastly, about the ring, asked "do you want me to sell it when the economy is so sh!tty or wait until things rebound?" Another direct attack on me.
Anyway, I sighed and replied to her e-mail and was open and honest. I realize it won't do any good, but I felt good w/getting my side of the story out. If she persists in the future, I can simply say "I've explained my side of this issue, so I'm asking you to please stop bringing it up. What is done is done and we need to move forward."
I told her of my debt incurred by living alone in the house as well as the divorce. I told her that working w/the mortgage company was done to avoid foreclosure which benefitted her. I informed her it was either re-work the house payments or not pay child support and I didn't want to not support my D.
I told her if she feels she's owed money, I'd pay her the $1150, but she'll have to wait in line w/my other creditors. I said I'd like to at least know what the going price for the ring is so we can make a decision. I let her know that the only way we can accurately divide up the pensions was to use the outside source, so that is something we need to do.
I finished w/the following, which may have been a waste of time, but I felt it needed to be done:
Quote:
I hope you were able to read this in the spirit it was written. I wish I could stop you from wasting energy on being angry, upset and disapppointed with me. It is unfortunately wasted energy because I already fully know you've moved on past me w/lightening speed and there isn't much I can do to make you happy anymore.
I'm tired of fighting w/her and can only pray for the day when the money things are settled so I can be completely free. Truly on my own w/out things for her to yell at me about.
Maybe she'll get it, maybe not. I don't know and although it was probably a waste of time, I did feel good sending it.
There is no reply and I don't expect to have one, but I am going to send a follow up today and tell her that I'm fine w/her shopping around for another pension attorney for us to use if that would make her feel more comfortable.
So, that was my latest and other than that, there isn't much to report. I feel bad that I've not been the best dog owner to my little guy as I've been stuck w/the transition. I know he's not happy and I'm hoping to use the up-coming long weekend to work w/him and get back into a routine for us again.
Rob, Don't be so fast to pay her the 1150 unless it was court ordered. The ring, well, gold had never been higher and it might be good to get that behind you. Your W wanted a divorce , she got one, she really should not still be complaining about the terms. She did so many useless things that drove up your legal fees and meant nothing. I know you feel so much better when the last tie is cut. Each step brings you closer to a truly starting a new life . Once you are settled in the apartment , it will start to feel like home. Take Care
I also dont think you should agree to pay her the 1150 she thinks you owe her because she thinks you did something decietful. You did the best you could to get the house sold.
Ex uses intimidation techniques, out and out lies, questioning my integrity.. anything at his disposal to achieve his goals all the while extolling his virtues.
You do that to get what you want.
You have lots of choices. Pay her what she wants as a way of getting her off your back. Hopefully she doesn't come back for more. Quote the divorce settlement papers as a guideline for what's required that was agreed upon by both parties. Lay out your boundaries of what is and isn't fair and equitable.
If you want a fight on your hands, tell her what she should do. If you keep it impersonal and businesslike, the only thing she can argue about are the facts. As far as taking a loss on the ring, ex and I had to liquidate all our stocks and bonds (at a significant loss) to repay part of the legal fees. It is what it is. It's one of the hardships of divorce.
Well, XW did reply today and said that I needed to start "thinking about what was best for D" and "about D's future" and look to drop the pension stuff in exchange for her dropping claims I owe her money from the house.
She also said we should sell the ring and get cash "because money coming in and not out is good."
I replied that although I am worried about D's future too, we need to settle the pension issue so we can move forward w/out questions.
I let her know that divorces cause a lot of issues and this is just one that we need to settle no matter how we like it. I let her know that this was not an emotional decision, but a business decision and we need to settle it through the pension attorney even though we don't like spending more money.
I was calm and cool in my reply and stayed on the line of "the business of divorce" and reminded her that choices were made and now we have to finish the deal.
I finished by saying we both have another 10+ years to deal w/D's college and we both have 25 years or so to rebuild our retirement funds.
So, she wants to avoid the pension issue, but I'm going to pursue it because I really think she'll end up owing me some money. I can use it as a negotiating tool w/her but I'm not going to be swayed or bullied by her into dropping the pension issue.
So, she's not happy and I didn't get a reply. Surprised? I'm not.
On another note, I had a fallout w/my VP in December and I've been concerned for my job at school, so I talked w/my principal today and cleared the air. He said I don't have to worry as I'm coming back next year and the VP is good at a lot of things, but he's terrible w/interpersonal communication, so I don't need to worry about him.
That is such a relief so now I can concentrate on just doing my job and not worrying about being unemployed next year. Another stone off my shoulders w/only the pension and ring to settle before I can finally feel "free."
Hi Rob, your x is ... unique. She doesnt give up, does she? I think you should calmly stick to what you think is best for you. Pulling out the best for D's interest is manipulative and a trick. She probably knows too she will end up owing you money and she is trying her best to avoid it. I am glad your job issue is resolved. Living in uncertainty is really nerve breaking.
You are moving on nicely. I am proud of you. xxx K
She is wrong to even bring up your daughter in regards to the financial part of the divorce. I am gld you stood your ground and will treat this as a business matter.
Thanks for the support and affirmation. Yes, I agree she is manupulative and is inappropriate in her use of our D as a pawn in the finalizing of our D.
Unfortunately, Kalni, you are so very correct as she just doesn't seem to give up. Why the need to still "punish" me? She has all she wants and got her divorce. I just don't get it and probably never will.
Anyway, here is the e-mail I just received from her:
Quote:
"I wish there was another way to do this"?
There is another way to do this. I told you what it was in my previous email: you keep your retirement and I keep mine. We can make it "official" by writing a document that says something to that affect, and then signing it in front of a notary. Easy and cheap.
Let me know what you chose to do.
My reply:
Quote:
The only way for us to officially close the books is to have the pensions evaluated by a pension attorney. Anything less would leave doubt and questions, so unfortunately that is the way we need to go.
I'll let you know before I start the process with the pension attorney and if you decide to shop around to find someone else, let me know. As I said, I only was able to contact three, but (pension attorney) was by far the cheapest.
She doesn't want this to happen and I've stood my ground. She'll continue to be angry and drag her feet on her end, so I'll just get the ball rolling for me and then continue to stress the "business side of things" to get her in gear.
With my luck, I'll end up owing her. But even if I do, I'll feel better knowing than not knowing the outcome. So, the evaluation is a necessary evil and will be the last card to fall.
Someday, looking back, you are going to realize that all you really wanted was your child full-time. You'll find that your wish to reunite with your wife was more about your child than any real feelings for her. She's a beatch and probably always will be. Down the road I think you'll even feel lucky (like I do) that you aren't with her anymore. Make the most of the time you have with your child. They grow up way too fast. Don't waste time on regrets or worrying about whether she will quit being angry with you or ever change.
Also, unless you are going to be screwed royally by not evaluating your pension plans, I'd get this over with as quickly, and painlessly, as possible. Don't fuss over small sums or waste money on lawyers if you don't have to. You'll feel better to get this out of the way ASAP.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
But even if I do, I'll feel better knowing than not knowing the outcome. So, the evaluation is a necessary evil and will be the last card to fall.