Yes there is something wrong, I have hit the point where I don't care anymore, I am tire dof her crap and her lifestyle and her boyfriend and her ifgnoring the kids and the sound of her voice and the tone of her text and the plain site of her.
I want her out of my head nad my life. I have no use for her whatsoever anymore....Yeah i listen to plenty, just like the song, Sounds of Silence.
It is destroying me that I feel this way, you have no idea what this is doing to me right now, I find myself on the verge of tears with every hour. But the pain is too much for me to not just get away from her and remove her from me. I want God to help her. She is seriously damaged goods right now and I have no need for her in my life now, at this moment. I cannot sit around twiddling my thumbs hoping she "wakes up". Antoher year, two years, five ten years.....And all that time I will sit like i am now paining for her return, afraid to find love somewhere else because maybe she will come out of her fog and what, still walk away from me...I am not a gambler. I lose every time. this is not a game, this is my life we are playing with here. I hate being alone, I hate it with every fiber of my being. God wants me to stay with her, wait and hope and pray that she will "fix" herself and come skipping down the road to me. Again, i need to be a big boy and sit at the big boy table.
Yeah I listen and wait. I ponder and wander. I pray more in the past 6 months than my entire life prior to this. I have stopped asking for her to come back, stopped asking for us to reconcile, stopped asking for her to wake up. these things are not going to happen in my lifetime. I know her and I have posted this before, she will stay in the fires of hell to prove she is "justified" in what she did and everyone else be damned, hell thats what the therapist told her back in September, great advice. And she is living la vida loca....
Yeah Amy, something has snapped in my head, and I mean snapped!!!
I am not right anymore, I need to get her away from me, I need to get her out of my head because it hurts more now than before, the pain curve isn't going down, its going up. Her making me feel like she is "entitled" to any damn thing in my life , texting me with her attitude about what she is entitled to and this and that. I don't need it anymore, she thinks by paying her car loan she is helping me with my bills, I have no friggin life, I have to save for weeks at a time to go ut and enjoy myself. I don't have her luxury of no kidfs, not worrying about meals, food in the house, utilities being shut off, mortgage comapany calls, none of it. Yeah, if I were her I would run back to the stuff she ran from. KLet her keep running. She will crash, of that I have no doubt, none whatsoever. When she hits the wall or rock bottom or whatever analogy you want to use, she will be alone. I know this, OM and the rest of her partying tribe will bounce, she will look in the mirror and see a ruined soul. And somehow, she will blame me for it all. I am not stupid, I am not emotionally challenged, I am me. I believe God is telling me these things, if He isn't then He isn't and the ulitmate cost and penalty is mine and mine alone. I pray, I go to church for me. And I am better for it. She, well she is her own person, let her live with it.
Supplanter, which definition would like me to use. I am supplanting no one. If I am, please tell me who, I'd like to know.
Yeah I seriously have a problem....But The only one who can help me now is me. I am now believing God is guiding me, and some people do not. Because everyone believes that god wouldn't tell me to bounce. then I wonder what He is telling me if that is the only message I get? So I am the one who will suffer in the end. But after 6 months of thumbscrews, water torture, silent treatments, what if 'ng myself into a frenzy, pining and paing for her return, turning my personal life around and dealing with everyone as if she were dead, well I don't know what to say. 31 years pissed out the window, and what do I have in my head and heart right now, How many times has xcheated on me? Great, fabulous thoughts, and its all I have ......
I have thought about seeing a shrink. I have decided I don't need one. I need to clear my head of all of this my way. this could be the biggest mistake of my life, but then again, I have been told that so many times, it is just words. the biggest mistake of my life was forgetting what is most important. that's water under the bridge. I won't do that again.....the hole in me is big, very big and the emptiness hurts like Hell. But I will close this hole, I will close it my way. And if it isn't God's will or wish that I do so, then I will be damned for all time. Really didn't think I was going any place but anyway...No rest for the weary or the braindead as I have always said. I fit both of those now. I am getting back to my routines. Amy, I am very scared right now of how my mind is....very scared....
You may be pleasantly surprized at how there words can give you clarity. I used only 1/2 a `dozen times a behavioural anaylsist . Brilliant.
Having said that I am 6 months in to this and I feel just like you and I am tired of struggling just to do everyday things so I have started anti depressants.
I dont want H back but I want his life to implode on him with the realisation that his actions have seriously eroded his childrens trust and love. His business is about to hit a huge bump and in this economy , it will be a lot of work to repair.
All I can tell you right now is that in my experience this is the worst possible time you could make any long-term decisions.
You need to stand down and do nothing - which means ZIP IT, DUCT TAPE YOUR FINGERS TOGETHER, SHUT OFF YOUR PHONE - whatever it takes - until you know what you are doing and why.
Just freeze. Trust me, this is just another meltdown. You can quit. You don't have to stand.
But you can not choose wisely when you are in this frame of mind.
Take Amy's advice right now and be still, about everything. Your far enough along into this to know how much our emotions swing. Always try never to say or do anything until your head is clear.
One hour at a time if you have to. When I get home from work I'll read up on ya a bit more and give ya a holler.
I wasn't planning on doing or saying anything to her, just basically going midnight dark. My taxes are being done tonight and will be over with. I am still shaking over what i text her last night. I have never done that with her or even communicated how I felt about this situation. No response from her and no more argumsent over taxes last night. I guess she got hit with my 2x4. i just feel like sitting in church, I really feel like just sitting there and running my head....No distractions, no noise, no confusion, me and him in His house, just to sit there....It has become a kind of safety blanket for me...Thanks again, for everything you do for me...this is really tearing me apart...Mentally, emotionally, physically, all of it....I am suppressing my rage becasue if it comes out, i don't think I can control it this time...
i like sitting there in church, it really calms me down. I will do my taxes and a couple of other things I need to do. Still shaking and can't seem to stop. I know what that used to mean with me, I am keeping my head full of my job right now, very busy, I know I have been typing alot, but I am flying in here getting things done.
