welcome back Coaster Boy...just when I thought it was safe to go away...you start spinning again..
I'd make a plan brother...a plan will eleviate some of that stuff your feeling..
a financial plan.. where you gonna live.. how the kids are gonna visit type plan..
I'd prepare myself for the worst possible..
there's a really good life out there Ken...I'm walking, talking,, stylin' profilin' proof...2 times over...
suck it up...and move forward..
Hi Mike. Nice to see you back. How could you assume that I'm not spinning....lol. Tomorrow night I'm going to go over to my brother's house and start measuring out the area that me and my kids are going to be. I have to figure out how to set it up so it's nice for all of us.
I also started to write out what I think my budget is going to be with all the fixed expenses. (car, insurance, etc...) I'm going to another lawyer today at 1:00 with my brother to clear up some questions I have. I'd rather go the mediator route if I can - it's a lot cheaper and more civil.
Thanks for stopping by.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
So now I saw another lawyer. He said I could go a few different ways.
The first - I could dig my heels in and say I don't want a divorce. This will force my W to sue me for D. NY is a fault state so she would have to prove grounds - which she wouldn't be able to do so it would get thrown out and we would remain married.
Second - come to an agreement with my W and then legally seperate.
Three - do it all through lawyers and let them hammer it out. This would become very expensive.
So now here I sit, as confused as ever...lol.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Steady Have you already agreed to move out through this whole ironing out the details process?
As for the separation / divorce....it seems that the best thing to do would be to work out some sort of amicable agreement if at all possible.
What has her mindset been through all of this? You say guys are friendly and carrying on the normal day to day stuff, but I don't remember you saying much about what she is pushing for in the whole deal.
Is there pressure to get the ball rolling or for you to get out of the house? Is she talking mediator or lawyer? You have to be separated for a year before you can divorce right?
Steady Have you already agreed to move out through this whole ironing out the details process?
No, I haven't agreed to move out.
Originally Posted By: ndsmhelp
As for the separation / divorce....it seems that the best thing to do would be to work out some sort of amicable agreement if at all possible.
I don't even want to get a divorce. What I want is effort on both our parts to move through the issues that are between us. Of course she doesn't want that at this point.
Originally Posted By: ndsmhelp
What has her mindset been through all of this? You say guys are friendly and carrying on the normal day to day stuff, but I don't remember you saying much about what she is pushing for in the whole deal.
Well her mindset is to get a legal sep then D. We are on friendly terms but our conversations about things are dwindling. For example, last night we put the kids to bed and then she got ready for bed and went into her room at 8:30. The only thing said between us was goodnight. She did cook me a hamburger for dinner and left in the frige and told me that she did that. After I got home from work I had a headached so I went upstairs and rested when she was cooking dinner.
Originally Posted By: ndsmhelp
Is there pressure to get the ball rolling or for you to get out of the house? Is she talking mediator or lawyer? You have to be separated for a year before you can divorce right?
She's putting on a little pressure to get it moving. The other morning she said, "I don't want to hound you but have you figured out what you want to do?" She was implying choosing between mediation and a lawyer. She wants to go through mediation. And yes, you have to be seperated for a year in an uncontested D.
Like I said before, I don't want a D. There are no grounds so I don't have to grant her one. I have alot of thinking to do. I don't want to leave my kids or my house. I didn't ask for this. I don't really know what to do at this point.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
I know you don't want a D. And I know you want HER to work on the M with you but that is not going to happen at the moment. Unfortunatley you getting S is going to happen whether you fight it of not, sorry for being blunt but do you really want to live in the same house with her right now in her state of mind?
Just because she is pushing for a fast decision does not mean that it is going to happen quickly. I would agree at the moment to go to mediation and let her know that you are not going anywhere untill it is all set and done any you both come to an agreement on everything. That will drag it out for a while and make it look like you are giving her what she wants at the same time.
I feel that she is going to continue to have less and less interaction with you and get more and more pissy the longer you drag this on without mediation and then lawyers will get involved.
One thibng I want to point out and since I have not been there I could be wrong is that I feel this may be a huge reality check for her. She is not going to get everything she wants. She is going to see that she wont get to see her kids everyday either, she probably wont be able to afford the house and have to move also and as having any extra cash to do stuff she might as well forget it. This I will assume will come out in mediation.
And also remember its a full year of S before D. A long time for you to detach and see if she truely is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
All of my thinking up until yesterday included my W; putting her first (thanks Mike and WT for waking me up) - what she wants, what she needs, and didn't include much of what I wanted and needed. It was also affected with my thinking about the possibility of reconcilliation - in other words, what would be my best action that would give me a better shot at reconciling with my W.
Then it dawned on me. If I make a deal which includes thinking about reconciling with my W and that doesn't happen then I'm just screwing myself and my kids. My thinking right now has to be what's in the best interest of my kids and me.
So when I take her out of the equation I find that I don't want to leave my kids, I don't want to leave my house, I don't want to be put in a financial position that will require me to live at my brother's house because I can't afford a place of my own because half of my take home pay goes to child support.
I don't want any of those things - so why should I have to pay the price when I don't even want a D?
How does that make sense? It doesn't to me.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
How could you assume that I'm not spinning....lol. Tomorrow night I'm going to go over to my brother's house and start measuring out the area that me and my kids are going to be. I have to figure out how to set it up so it's nice for all of us.