I'm in a funk like Lucky. A SL is NOT something to be saved just for special occasions, it should be always there. Nothing since my birthday and nothing will happen for Valentines day (not entirely her fault but I know it's a no-go for Saturday. Just too much happening that day).
Says who? Her? Why are you coming up with excuses in advance?!? Cinco, maybe you should just go for it in a full-blooded way. She can only say no. "No" big deal.
I guess I should be grateful we've broken out of the old two-times-a-year mold. My b-day and our wedding anniversary were the only two days "special enough" to warrant obligatory sex. Even that wasn't guaranteed nor all that special sometimes.
"Grateful" - again - the wrong mindset. Gratitude (to her) simply doesn't come into it. There's been progress - you're going to push for more - and keep pushing.
There is no such thing as obligatory sex. IMO its a thoroughly bad idea. An expectation that leads to laziness and resentment on both sides. Spot the difference:
"Oh, its my Birthday, I should have sex, I deserve to have sex, I expect to have sex, sex will come, because its my Birthday."
"Its my Birthday, I'm a year older, I feel great. Its been a great day. They were great presents. It was a great meal. I feel like having sex. With you. Because I want to. Because I want you.
Even after having the, "If everything that I desire is right here with you W, why would I ever want to leave?" conversation... It still isn't sinking in with her. We fix this now or I'm through. No wonder she doesn't trust that I won't leave... because I'm about to.
Okay Cinco - what has she done/ not done now? What have you done/ not done? I am no fan of lazy, complacent women, but why is it always her fault when things die down? She must really love that air of resentment you emit.
By being a wimp and putting up with this for so long, I have created a M where only the bare minimum requirements of sex ever happens between us. Stupid "Nice Guys" stay because it seems to be the right thing to do. A "normal guy" would have left as soon as it was apparent that his needs were no longer being met in the R with no changes in sight. For us that would have been 18 years ago when I was 30, I could have easily started my life over then.
But there have been changes - what happened just a few days ago?
I know I'm supposed to feel strong enough in myself to not need sex. When we go for more than about 10 days between times it just plain messes with my head. I can't change who I really am, I won't hide my sexuality any longer. I can't change her, she has to decide for herself.
Messes with your head? So are you seriously stating that if you don't have sex for 10 days your mental health suffers? Sex is your medicine??? It is that precise problem that your wife senses in you, and hangs all her issues on. Your desperation thinking. And if you leave this marriage - who is responsible then for meeting your needs, which woman suddenly gets that duty? Its not exactly a great chat-up line, is it? "Let's go back to my place - I haven't had sex in 10 days and its messing with my head - I must have sex!"
I wish I had hope for us finding a meeting point that we both could live with. Right now I don't see it. I know everyone here has seen my pattern: I'm happy as a lark when we are sexual. I'm sad when I'm left wondering when the next time we ML will be.
Because you have still not taken power over the issue. Why be left wondering? Why not decide when you are going to "take" her?
I keep fooling myself into thinking we've truly made a breakthrough. All I have done is stir things up only to have them settle back to where they've been for too many years.
You stir her up. She settles down. You stir her up... etc. I for one, do not see this cycle as a problem. Let's cut to the chase - once you "stir" her up - does she satisfy you? Is it good sex once you get her on the starting grid? Or does she "fail" in your eyes?
The only "real changes" are happening within myself in facing my reality that I can't stay in a M like this. I do keep hoping for a miracle change in her and that what keeps me here for now.
Hmmm. She may not have changed, but I think your communication with her has definitely improved. Sex is well and truly on the agenda again. Will any improvement ever be enough for you? Do you resent the fact that this is so much effort. Would you rather she was "easier"? I wonder if fear is holding you back? Look at DQ's latest thread.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
