I am doing great today. I am just taking it one day at a time.
I didn't want to post anything until I was thinking a little more clearly. My last post got a little out of hand and I am sorry. It seems my threads tend to get these evil viruses so I was a little leary about posting again.
I do have a few things I want to say though.
My mind has been out in left field for a couple of weeks but I think I have finally accepted things for what they are and am learning to deal with them. I got side tracked but have found my focus again. I will prevail. I will come out on top. I won't settle for anything less. I won't be the victim!! (I took this line from Mach)
I am going to live my life for me, not for anyone else. I may still love my stbx but I love me more. I need to focus on me and less on him.
I have been told I need to "find" myself again. I wasn't sure where to look though. My eyes were opened but they weren't seeing anything and then, I found that I was here all along. I just need to work on getting my self esteem back up, getting rid of my fears and just learning to enjoy life again.
I want people to take me serious and not think I am someone just out to have fun. I have taken things to the limits on the threads when I shouldn't have. For this, I felt that a remark made yesterday was a slap in the face. I know it wasn't meant to be but it was the way I took it. It woke me up. If I can't be serious on my own threads then how are people going to take me serious if I have any advice to offer to them?
I do owe a lot of where I am today to quite a few people. If I had never met AmyC on here years ago then I would have lost out on a great friend. Her advice and the way she continues to stand no matter how bad things have been for her really inspires me. It shows me that you never give up on hope. I got a chance to meet her a few weeks ago and I'll tell you, if you get that opportunity...take it.
Along with meeting Amy I met 3 great guys. Each of them has their own special place in my life and heart. They each taught me something different.
One taught me that I could trust again. Trust has been a big issue in my book for a long time. I now know that not everyone is out to walk all over me.
One taught me that I didn't need someone standing next to me all the time and that I was strong enough to stand on my own two feet. I get to make my choices and I don't need someone there holding my hand telling me which way to go.
Last but not least, I was taught that I am still worthy of a man's attention. I really had my self esteem boosted up. For that, I am greatful.
I want to give a special thanks to someone who I met through a mistaken email that has been my rock many times. Without her, I would be in a white padded room.
About 4 months ago I met a guy but was leary about going out because for one, I was still married. I decided that since my divorce was in progress that it was ok to date. (Plus it has been 4 years and I didn't see my stbx jumping through hoops to come home) This guy has been wonderful to me. I couldn't ask for anyone better. As I was going through this "mood" or whatever it was I have been dealing with the last couple of weeks, I almost let him go. I'm glad I didn't. He and I have been honest with each other and he knows I am not completely over my stbx and he is ok with that. He says it all works out in the end. We just take this one day at a time.
If anyone else is going through the same thing, I want to say you can't live your life sitting home and hoping your spouse decides to come home. You have to live your life for yourself. Dear sweet Lola told me that sometimes things have to die before they can regrow. I am letting my marriage die and if it regrows then fine, if not then that is ok too. I will survive this. In the meantime, I am going to live my life the way I want. I am going to have fun. I am going to be happy.
A special friend told me that you have to be open and honest about things and that is the way I am going to be from now on. I am ready to open up to a few people so be prepared, you may get an email from me. I am not going to do it here on the board. It may be today or it may be tomorrow but I am going to get everything off my chest so I can start fresh.
I really want to say thank you to everyone who has put up with me. Mach, I'm ready to settle in the middle for a little while and stop spinning.
I am very proud of you and how far you have come in the "Learning Process" of starting again.
It's hard.
I came across this and thought it would be perfect for your new thread!!
In our grand scheme of things, we set out in our very safe row boat for a quiet day of sun and fishing only to find ourselves falling into the river and learning to swim. Life is nothing like what we originally may have thought. And all of us at one point or another in our lives have found ourselves out of the boat and learning to swim. If you choose to become bitter and resent this change of station in life, you will eventually sink. If you choose to take on the challenge of being in a new place, trust that this is a natural part of the journey, and enjoy the experience, you will learn to swim. It's your choice - sink or swim.
OH!
And I have an panoply of faith that your going to be ok.
(((hugs)))
Jeanette
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
I woke up this morning feeling calm. Don't know if it is because I finally slept all night without waking up or not tossing and turning but I feel at peace.
My girls were talking about Valentine's Day this morning and I was so afraid it would trigger something inside me to pull me back down but it didn't. They were telling me about the candy and stuff their father got them.
Of course this year my box of candy goes to someone else but that is ok. I don't need it anyway. If I want candy, I can buy my own. This will be the first year I don't have to buy anything special either. It doesn't upset me.
As I look in the mirror I see someone new, someone that has a yearning for life again. Someone that smiles back at me. (It could be because now that my eyes are open, I see Edward staring back at me every morning)
You know, I have something better than a valentine or a box of chocolates...I have each and every one of you. I have the greatest friends in the world. I wouldn't trade any of you for anything. (well, maybe a couple of you....just kidding)
Through thick and thin, I know I can count on all of you. So, through this post, I am sending each and every one of you a very special valentine from my heart.
