Well, I'm no expert. But the proof may get you full custody of the kids depending on the judge. However, I know you just want to fix things and that is what is best. Just whatever you do, don't make it look like blackmail to her. That will not bring her closer to you.
You might start with just talking to her and letting her know that you know about the affair and that you do have proof because of how she was acting. You might tell her that yall can work through the affair.
Of course, I say this and it didn't work for my W. Some have told me that while the A is going on, there is nothing you can do except keep back and work on yourself. Then when it ends, be a great option. The typical A lasts about 6 months. But since yall are already talking to lawyers, I don't know. You have to watch out for yourself and your kids. So you have to use it in your favor when it comes to court if it comes to court. But heading it off before that point, could keep it from going to court. Then you don't spend thousands of dollars fighting it out. She may realize that you have her and its in her best interest to retreat from the divorce.
I really don't know. Wish I could help you more.
Kevin
Not going to try and 'make' her work anything out. I looked her in the eyes and told her I loved her enough to let her go two weeks after this started.
I'm going to wait and talk with her (with witnesses) so that there is no drama/claim of abuse. I wouldn't put it past her to hit her head on my table and then call the police.
I'm sure there is nothing I can do outside of exposure and letting it die a faster death since it thrives in the secrecy she's built around it.
This isn't my first rodeo in terms of custody/legal issues - so I've already built a heck of a case against her to demolish anything she's saying about me. My goal is to force a settlement, and if her mom stops bankrolling her - she and OM have no money to speak of and won't be able to fight me. I hate going through my savings, but I have enough to drag this out for a year and not use a credit card.
Every dollar I spend is one less dollar that goes to the children though. But I won't stop until I get what I want in terms of custody/etc. in the settlement.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Ok, I see the reasoning behind telling her what you know in front of the family. Sounds like you need witnesses unfortunately. I'm sure you have done this already, but have you closed joint accounts at this point? You wouldn't want her cleaning it out secretly. I wouldn't normally say to expose her in this way. But, it looks like it is necessary.
When you have this confrontation with the family....make sure that you say that you are fighting for your marriage.
Best case scenario- You tell her what you know, she confesses, apologizes, agrees to "no contact"/full transparency, and you both see a marriage counselor and start the repair work.
I'm guessing it won't go that way. Maybe more along these lines- You tell her what you know, she denies, you end up having to show proof, you tell her that you love her and are trying to repair the marriage and give it a chance but that is impossible with a third party, she gets angry, throws any and all of your faults out there (and some lies), her family put some pressure on her, she breaks down and agrees to "no contact"/full transparency.
Worst case scenario- She denies it all, her family disowns her, she hates you, and a bitter battle ensues.
Ok, I see the reasoning behind telling her what you know in front of the family. Sounds like you need witnesses unfortunately. I'm sure you have done this already, but have you closed joint accounts at this point? You wouldn't want her cleaning it out secretly. I wouldn't normally say to expose her in this way. But, it looks like it is necessary.
When you have this confrontation with the family....make sure that you say that you are fighting for your marriage.
Best case scenario- You tell her what you know, she confesses, apologizes, agrees to "no contact"/full transparency, and you both see a marriage counselor and start the repair work.
I'm guessing it won't go that way. Maybe more along these lines- You tell her what you know, she denies, you end up having to show proof, you tell her that you love her and are trying to repair the marriage and give it a chance but that is impossible with a third party, she gets angry, throws any and all of your faults out there (and some lies), her family put some pressure on her, she breaks down and agrees to "no contact"/full transparency.
Worst case scenario- She denies it all, her family disowns her, she hates you, and a bitter battle ensues.
Are you religious people?
I've closed joint accounts. Our finances are separate.
I've told her brother that I intend to be open to the possibility of fighting for the marriage. I'm going to say the same thing during the family conversation.
I don't see the worst-case scenario, but probably the "more likely" scenario you listed. Her family is a huge part of her life, and she wouldn't last in an "us against the world" relationship. I doubt she'll truly stop the affair though - that is going to require some heavy duty stuff including moving, full transparency, cutting off contacts, etc. that is a serious investment from me. If she doesn't act serious about it - I'm not going to bother.
And yes, I consider that we are both Christian. She used to listen to christian music every time she was in her vehicle. When her father died she quit listening to it and started listening to heavy metal, etc. and quit going to church.
I've continued going during this period, but she says she's going and is instead with OM (as happened Sunday). She should have gotten a call from her lawyer today. Haven't heard anything from her - but I'm not sure what her reaction will be.
- Daniel
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
1) No matter what, her family will eventually support her and not you. 2) Unless she is on drugs or is sexually abusing them, you will not get 100% custody of your kids regardless of her indiscretions. 3) When she sees your counter paperwork, the gloves will come off and you are in for a dogfight.
Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
H: 38 W: 36 S: 8 S: 5 M: 16 Bomb: 8/25/08 OM: 9/21/08 EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...) Sep: 9/21/08 D Filed 9/23/08 My Situation
1) No matter what, her family will eventually support her and not you. 2) Unless she is on drugs or is sexually abusing them, you will not get 100% custody of your kids regardless of her indiscretions. 3) When she sees your counter paperwork, the gloves will come off and you are in for a dogfight.
Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
1. That is what family is for. I don't expect anything different - but they will support our child before they support either of us. 2. I've actually got custody of my two sons and terminated the parental rights of my ex-wife. I've been through this before and can provide a more stable home, already have a track record, etc. 3. The gloves came off when she filed first. She could very well have accepted joint custody and the better than 50/50 split I offered.
I always plan for the worst. I think at the very least I will walk out with what I've been willing to accept anyway. But if she continues a downward spiral (She's got history with depression, self-cutting, etc.) and pursues a relationship with an alcoholic who lives with his parents right next door to me while tearing her own family apart - I can make a pretty strong case for custody.
She's been very helpful about handing me evidence.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
My wife is/was at least a very family oriented person. If this affair comes out with her family knowing - it will probably fall apart very quickly (or go deeper underground). She is relying on her family for financial support without me, so if they all of a sudden understand the real reason she is pushing divorce so quickly they might not be so helpful.
Sure - family will support her in the end no matter what. But her mother won't support her relationship with this guy at all. Especially not with the lies and breach of trust that her daughter has put on her. Her mom has chosen to believe everything she says and mistrust me. Now that I can show that she has in fact been lying, her mom is going to re-evaluate her own enabling behavior.
Her brother is going to view the evidence I have. He says if it is 'compelling' he will talk to his mother (so she doesn't get defensive if it is me.) Then they will decide to confront my wife with or without me there. Once the 'secret' is out, I'm convinced that it will evaporate.
I can't do any DBing, etc. with a hostile divorce action + OM involvement whispering in her ear on what to do.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
My wife is/was at least a very family oriented person. If this affair comes out with her family knowing - it will probably fall apart very quickly (or go deeper underground). She is relying on her family for financial support without me, so if they all of a sudden understand the real reason she is pushing divorce so quickly they might not be so helpful.
Sure - family will support her in the end no matter what. But her mother won't support her relationship with this guy at all. Especially not with the lies and breach of trust that her daughter has put on her. Her mom has chosen to believe everything she says and mistrust me. Now that I can show that she has in fact been lying, her mom is going to re-evaluate her own enabling behavior.
Her brother is going to view the evidence I have. He says if it is 'compelling' he will talk to his mother (so she doesn't get defensive if it is me.) Then they will decide to confront my wife with or without me there. Once the 'secret' is out, I'm convinced that it will evaporate.
I can't do any DBing, etc. with a hostile divorce action + OM involvement whispering in her ear on what to do.
No way in hell I tip my hand to her family. Once she (her lawyer) knows EXACTLY what you have on her, she will move quickly to mitigate it. She cannot mitigate what she THINKS you have on her.
Talk to your lawyer, he/she will agree.
Tip your hand AFTER she signs a reasonable and equitable divorce decree.
H: 38 W: 36 S: 8 S: 5 M: 16 Bomb: 8/25/08 OM: 9/21/08 EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...) Sep: 9/21/08 D Filed 9/23/08 My Situation
No way in hell I tip my hand to her family. Once she (her lawyer) knows EXACTLY what you have on her, she will move quickly to mitigate it. She cannot mitigate what she THINKS you have on her.
Talk to your lawyer, he/she will agree.
Tip your hand AFTER she signs a reasonable and equitable divorce decree.
I just wanted to say that I am very sorry for your discovery. I also am thinking about hiring a PI, I have three consultations next week. I don't have any advice, but just be careful and watch out for yourself with the legal issues....take care
Okay an update: 1. I didn't give her brother all of the evidence, or even most of it. I just gave him 3 screencaps from the video to prove I wasn't full of crap. He doesn't know the extent of the evidence, but I promised him it was enough to hold up in front of a judge. 2. Last night my wife told me that I "couldn't keep my daughter anymore" that "her attorney had advised her I had to come to her house to see her" and other things. That is b.s. because that is a good way to lose custody. 3. This morning I walked up to her holding my phone recording video and asked her to hold up to her agreement for me to keep her Saturday. She acted subdued and told me it'd be fine. I asked why she hadn't been answering her text messages and she said she didn't have her phone. (odd because it has been tied to her hip since before we split) 4. I spoke with her brother for a bit, talking about my desire to work on the marriage, etc. Apparently he confronted her with his mom and she came clean. So my assumption is that they've taken away her cell phone and put her on curfew basically. 5. I sent a followup email to share with his mom my 5-point plan for working on the marriage, and a desire to not hold anything over her head but to see if we could work through it.
I'll wait to hear back.
Either way - at this point I'm wanting to just sit back and let the legal issue continue until they tell me they want something different. If it continues they already know what I have.
So... assuming the affair ends, my wife may or may not decide to go to counseling. If she doesn't come clean with me, and decides to pursue divorce I was already prepared for that. But hopefully this changes the dynamic.
My evidence at this point is staying with me and my attorneys.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
