I'm in a funk like Lucky. A SL is NOT something to be saved just for special occasions, it should be always there. Nothing since my birthday and nothing will happen for Valentines day (not entirely her fault but I know it's a no-go for Saturday. Just too much happening that day).
I guess I should be grateful we've broken out of the old two-times-a-year mold. My b-day and our wedding anniversary were the only two days "special enough" to warrant obligatory sex. Even that wasn't guaranteed nor all that special sometimes.
Even after having the, "If everything that I desire is right here with you W, why would I ever want to leave?" conversation... It still isn't sinking in with her. We fix this now or I'm through. No wonder she doesn't trust that I won't leave... because I'm about to.
By being a wimp and putting up with this for so long, I have created a M where only the bare minimum requirements of sex ever happens between us. Stupid "Nice Guys" stay because it seems to be the right thing to do. A "normal guy" would have left as soon as it was apparent that his needs were no longer being met in the R with no changes in sight. For us that would have been 18 years ago when I was 30, I could have easily started my life over then.
I know I'm supposed to feel strong enough in myself to not need sex. When we go for more than about 10 days between times it just plain messes with my head. I can't change who I really am, I won't hide my sexuality any longer. I can't change her, she has to decide for herself.
I wish I had hope for us finding a meeting point that we both could live with. Right now I don't see it. I know everyone here has seen my pattern: I'm happy as a lark when we are sexual. I'm sad when I'm left wondering when the next time we ML will be.
I keep fooling myself into thinking we've truly made a breakthrough. All I have done is stir things up only to have them settle back to where they've been for too many years.
The only "real changes" are happening within myself in facing my reality that I can't stay in a M like this. I do keep hoping for a miracle change in her and that what keeps me here for now.
