Whether we are HD or LD, it seems that true intimacy is intimidating....and, aren't they actually from the same word root? And I believe "intimate" means actually to "make known".
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I have learned so much about *true* intimacy from my fiance that I never knew before...and yet I was screaming to the world "I WANT INTIMACY!!!" And then when the opportunity to have true intimacy was upon me, I would scurry under my emotional blankets and ask "why are YOU here in my world of alone-ness trying to drag me out?"
I also learned that, some people actually use physical intimacy as a way to AVOID true emotional intimacy. That one took a long time to sink in for me, but now I think I finally "get it".
DQ,
Over 2 years into my own journey, I find this very timely and interesting. I desire to have an intimate, sensuous and sexual marriage with my wife, nothing less, and I believe I am making real progress compared to where we were 3 or 4 years ago. I think at that stage I talked about intimacy, but did not walk the walk. I lacked the courage of my convictions, was angry and frustrated, but was quick to blame it on my wife (thus giving her no incentive to deal with her own issues).
At the risk of sounding personal, in what ways were you avoiding intimacy with your fiance, and why? How did you and he get over this problem?
I agree that intimacy is intimidating - I think because (i) it requires commitment and therefore discipline, (ii) its like a fire and requires effort and fuel, but most of all (iii) because true intimacy is based on truth and honesty, we have to really reveal who we are - and there are always things we want to hold back (even from our partner) out of embarrassment, shame or a fear of rejection. So intimacy also requires (iv) strength and courage to hold on to yourself in the face of who our partner reveals to us!?!
Intimacy is definitely intimidating, but I (and I think my wife) are now starting to see how alive and connected we feel when we face up to that fear and walk into it.
"Some people actually use physical intimacy as a way to AVOID true emotional intimacy."
True - I think both men and women do this - perhaps for different reasons. I've read posts by men who say their wives "let" them have sex, but don't "show up" emotionally; I think that causes great emotional pain and worsens the problem. Equally, there are men that see sex as a short-cut to intimacy, and neglect all the other things that make a connection (John Gray is obviously good on this).
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
