I've been praying for you the last couple of nights. But like my sitch, I have moved more toward praying for me, and my desire for love and happiness, and less for the "success" of my M.
You are such a wise women and your sitch is so complex that I'm always reluctant to offer any advice to you. I feel like you are more the teacher and many of us are the students. Anyway, I never noticed your signature quote (taking care of me...), but that subject is hitting home with me these days. I posted it recently is a couple of places, but wanted to share it with you.
All of our sitches SUCK. Especially for the kids, but I think I've finally realized, for my benefit (and the kids' too), I will be better off w/o longing for love and forgiveness from someone who's not likely to give it to me. I think a sitch like this beats us down even more.
I know it's not simple for you to move on, but I pray that you're happy, one day soon, wherever you land.
NM
Originally Posted By: NewMe
I was reading a parenting book (scream-free parenting) when the author gave his interpretation of St. Bernard of Clairvaux's four degrees of love, which centered around balancing love of self and love of god, but applied it to the parental, or any (spousal) relationship. Disclaimer - I am not a theologian and am paraphrasing the author's interpretation.
The Four Degrees of Love 1) I love ME for MY benefit - selfish and infantile. Serving only and considering only oneself. Like children act when they are young.
2) I love YOU for MY benefit - loving you so I can get validation, a good sense from being needed - like Cheap Trick sang "I need you to need me".
3) I love YOU for YOUR benefit - sounds selfless, but also too serving. Doing all for another, with no benefit to self, can expose hidden self interests and create martyrdom.
4) I love ME for YOUR benefit - the highest form of love. Taking care of yourself, making yourself whole and making yourself happy - so no one else has to. When you complete yourself first, only then, can you truly give without expectations or needing care.
I read about GALing here, knew I needed to take care of myself and then might be able to bust my D. The topic also came up in MC and IC, as the W was exhausted from giving and being needed. When I read this piece the other night it really (finally) hit home.
Not sure if this missing piece can save this M - there's too many wounds at present. I do know, it will help me continue on to be the best person I can be and to allow me to truly give love to my kids and my mate(one day). NM
